Day 1: symptoms of depression, "D".
I get a LOT of questions about how I'm feeling, and I'm sure anyone with mental health problems knows the constant, "How do you feel?" From doctors, family, friends. I also get, "What's it like?" And sometimes I'm happy to explain, to open up and talk. But other times, particularly when I'm low, getting me to talk is like trying to open up a vault without knowing any of the combinations. And by that point, I usually want to shut you out.
This is my way of explaining a little about what I feel. I'll be posting a new symptom and explanation.
Sometimes my depression manifests as this strange sense of dread and defeat that looms over me, like a heavy coat. Sometimes it's there as soon as I wake up, as natural as stretching, the dread will be there. It makes me want to cower, hide and not move. Other times it creeps on me through the day, as though I'm mentally glancing around to see what's creeping up and then BAM!
Dreading the day is tiring, so on days like that I remind myself to not be too harsh if I'm a little more nervous and tired than usual. I can't prevent the dread but I can try and understand it, welcome it and try to prove it wrong: that there's nothing to dread about the day at all.
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