I binged the other night. It was the first time in ages. That familiar feeling of hurriedly grabbing chocolate and pushing it in my mouth, hardly taking time to chew or swallow before grabbing the next piece of food. The chatter in my head loud and unruly, voices both urging me on and simultaneously ripping my character to shreds. •
I probably could have told you I was going to binge hours before it happened, maybe even a day before. I was slipping back into a familiar, awkwardly uncomfortable state of mind, ruled more by my ED than by my compassionate self. •
Ignoring everything I know about how to keep my self safe, to protect my self and to care for my lovely hard working body. I was leaving breakfast until stupidly late in the day, then ignoring hunger quest all afternoon saying I could just wait until dinner time.
Tied up in times of day, judgment over portion sizes, frustration with my hunger signals, consumed with thoughts of food and fear of my body changing. It's no wonder my mind ended up screaming for calorie dense foods, it thought it was being starved again.
The wonderful difference this time was the liberation after. As soon as I left the kitchen, I apologised to my body. I took a deep breath, and smiled. I could see exactly why this had happened, I knew exactly what my body had needed and I already knew there was no judgment, I'd not failed, I wasn't off the wagon, I'd not broken anything, and I didn't have to start afresh the next day. •
Intuitive eating, but more, the body positivity I've been using lately has changed every cell in my body. The fat fear, that is still very real and a daily battle, IS fading, IS further from my mind. Learning to love this body of mine is a daily commitment, but it is so rewarding. •
I won't ever be done. I will ALWAYS be learning. But I will always have you guys. Your love and support means everything to me .. you're helping me to love MY self and I hope I offer something resembling that in return. Because our worth isn't measured by a scale, or a dress size, but who we are as people .. and you're fucking lush ❤