; please? since tuesday, everything's been so messed up. it feels as tho i slipped backwards by like a year overnight, and now i'm struggling with EVERYTHING - eating, drinking, walking, pacing, self-harm, portioning, completing. literally e v e r y t h i n g. it's one step forward, a hundred back. i'm so scared the eating disorder has taken over and is controlling everything, and my ability to stand up to it has seemingly disappeared. it's like battles i have already fought a hundred times over have returned with a million times more vengeance, hellbent on destroying me, and i just don't have the strength to do anything but listen and comply with its demands. it's so completely in control. like i'm even back to being too scared to take certain prescribed medications for fear of their calorie content - because fuck what my body needs when my ed is in control, hey! i am so fucked. it's spiralling every day, and it's taking everything i have trying to keep it static, and not let it get worse - and where i am now is nowhere near where i should be. genuinely fucking terrified. i need help, yet every time i reach out i am simply told i need to get back on track, because even within an edu, struggling is only permitted if you are thin. the fat kid is having a blip? sort your fucking life out already, YOU ARE SINGLEHANDEDLY MAKING IT HARDER FOR EVERYONE ELSE; it'd be better if you weren't here - whether that referred to the table or the unit as a whole, i have no idea. either way, i obvs do not deserve support. if i can't fix myself, i'm just the failure i always have been.
"monsters are real...they live inside of us, and sometimes, they win." ☠
[Image credit; @theofficialsadghostclub 💕]
#struggling #personal #mylife #anorexia #anorexianervosa #blip #feelslikemorethanjustablip #relapse #outofcontrol #eatingdisorder #iwishicouldgobackwards #spirallingoutofcontrol #fuckweightrestoration #seeingmyweighthasruinedeverything #fat #fataf #bodyimagestruggles #youdeservetostruggle #fivehundredstepsbackwards #happenedwaytoofast #scared #dontwannadestroytheprogessivemade #yetalreadyitseemstoolateforthat