Hey guys, meet my friends! On the far left is Mrinal who I first met freshman year while rushing my [Jewish] fraternity. Unfortunately, he decided against joining, stating" They're not nearly Jewish enough for me, bro." Mrinal went on to major in Israeli studies, and he recently got back from a Birth Right trip where he came closer to God and "lots of hot ass Israeli army chicks". Next to him is Zach. The two of us bonded freshman year when a short film I directed ended with us at gun point from four cops who swarmed in. (This really happened). Since that moment, Zach vowed to no longer pursue acting. He ultimately ditched his thespian dreams for a more rewarding life of selling renter's insurance. "It's such a non-creative outlet, I love it! I mean, I hate myself, but I can get you a HELL OF A DEAL on a policy for your new condo!" Next is my friend BJ. The two of us met my junior year in silent study--BJ was there almost every night. After continuously seeing him in study, I tried to convince him to come out to the bars after. His response: "I unfortunately will pass, friend. In fact, I reject alcohol and I don't do well in large groups." I bit my tongue, resisting the urge to shout back, "PUSSY!" Now as a 25-year old, BJ seldom agrees to come out. But when he does, he eats large portions of Dippin Dots, claiming they give him an "insane sugar buzz". And lastly is me--everyone should consider themselves their own friend. This explains why you've seen me shouting at myself and buying two ice cream cones: one for "stable-Cameron" and one for "repress-those-horrible-urges-now-Cameron". Don't worry! My team of doctors say it's just latent stages of puberty. And those are all the friends I have!