you guyyys 😭😭😭 little miss M popped in our home again today for a visit & brought her sparkly sass & infectious laugh. she's moving foster homes again & my heart is BROKEN. i'm a friggin, screaming, mess inside. i feel unsettled & frustrated.
it's nobody's fault (except of course the choices of those who put a vulnerable little girl in this position in the first place).
it's not her current foster families fault, it's not the systems fault—so don't be mad at either of them.
these things are just beyond anyone's control.
yet, iiiii want to control it! 😭 i want to be her mommy again. i want to protect & nurture her. i'm angry (although i'm not sure where it's directed) that she can't move back to our home. i'm STILL broken from when she left the first time. honestly? this just SUCKS. 😡
after i dropped the babies off for visitation this morning & after i squeezed sweet M in my arms this afternoon, i wanted to throw the towel in. done. it's all really hard on my heart. but then 30 minutes later i wanted to buy a huge farm & have ALL the kids in my home.😝🤷♀️
i don't always try to be a sappy sobbing mess on here, but this stuff is just intense. 😫 i've always been committed to writing out our journey, telling our story. this is part of it.
we're just one foster family—but there are thousands of similar stories & ones that are much much worse. i want you to feel a tiny piece of it, catch a glimpse of it. maybe the weight felt or the grief seen will fan a flame, stir conviction or open doors. maybe it will scare you away. i don't know. i just know there is a need. a big need. & we, you & i, have to raise our hands.
in the two years M has been in foster care, she has always confidently announced "WHEN i go home..." -- but today, i noticed her language changed to "IF i go home..."
a subtle change, but if you knew her, you'd know it was a big deal. my heart broke on the spot listening to a five year old girl face her unknown future.
can i be so bold as to ask that if you have EVER thought about foster care that you give it another thought & attend a class? there's no harm in exploring it further—but there's a LOT of redemption that could come from it. ❤️