I didn't realize I had been brainwashed into being abused.
In another life;
I was married... (thankfully in cases of abuse it is easy to get an annulment)
And because he had forced me to become his wife, he felt he was entitled to my body.
Whenever he pleased.
Regardless of how much it hurt me.
I had never known what love was until Spencer, and I did not know what the opposite of love was until... we'll call him "Voldemort" for this purpose.
Voldemort screamed at little things, like his inability to provide,
Or the comments men would leave on my Instagram.
He screamed so much my heart would flutter like a little kid who's afraid of being hit by their father, my anxiety would paralyze me and I felt absolutely weak.
Voldemort made it impossible to keep a job because after six hours of being at work I had to come home or I was "obviously cheating"
Sometimes he'd come to my work and sit in his car to make sure I was really there.
Voldemort filled my head with things; that I deserved better than my last relationship... and somehow manipulated me into believing the abuse, WAS better (so I deserve abuse?)
Voldemort made me feel POWERLESS.
I told my friends I was in love.
I told my family they just didn't understand.
I quickly lost everyone I knew because not only was I not "allowed" to see them; I was ashamed they would see me this way, that they would see I had become "one of those women".
I called his mother crying for help every day, but I just "needed to be patient with her son". That "He had been through things" and "I didn't know him like she did".
It's taken me two and a half years to finally talk about what he did to me, what he put me through, and the shame I feel in having let someone manipulate me into ruining my life and being forced to give up control of my own choices.
Even though I was the sole provider in the couple months we were together, he had brainwashed me to believe I couldn't make it on my own;
To the women going through it; you are stronger than you know,
You are ready to leave
you will make it alone
To the women who have gone through it; you are not any less for it.
You are not damaged.
📷 by @ocarmel
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