I’ve found my way out. And now I can give voice to it.
There are weeks of my life when I feel the gravitational pull—the downward force—against every. single. inch. of my body. My head, my neck, my shoulders, my chest, my hips. All sinking downward.
Everything is muted. I’ve felt like an outsider looking in since I can remember; but when this weighted darkness descends upon me, I feel further removed from the world and from myself.
My mind warps memories so that when I try to pull at them to remind myself of light and laughter, everything is dimmer, less meaningful, not real. My mind convinces itself that this darkness is how life always was and how it will always be. I challenge my worth and my ability to contribute to the world. I become a prisoner; I cannot escape my head.
Sleep and focus are elusive in the early stage. I frantically try to move it. Until what was once a life of passion and purpose grows meaningless. I can’t make sense of any of it, and eventually I succumb to the abyss. In those moments, those days, I hold fast to the simplicity of seeing another day, even—and especially—when I don't think that I can. I become hyper diligent about adhering to a daily routine. But I let the hurt in, and I sit with it.
The beauty and blessedness of my life only serve to fuel guilt, shame, and feelings of weakness—so I withdraw from my tribe, because I know that I’m the only one who has the power to find the light again.
I wear this. Internally and physically. The ache. I wear it.
But it’s a blessing and a curse. Because when I find my way out of the shadows, I can almost physically feel the light shining out of me, the fire inside of me, the passion, the purpose, the happiness. “I ask not for a lighter burden but for broader shoulders.” #depression #bare #stripitdown #mentalhealth #selfawareness #darkness #evolution #woman #strength #heart #human #truth #humancondition #clarity #fire #fuel #passion #depth #lift #muscle #backshot #back #traps #delts #lats #powerlifting #curves #tattoos #feedmeandtellmeimpretty