Does anyone else feel like they’re living in nothing but clutter sometimes?
When I was depressed I hated my house. I wanted to change everything about it, I wanted to get rid of everything and start over. I felt claustrophobic, It seemed so small and everything in it seemed so pointless and materialistic. I was fanatical about mess, not particularly cleaning, just tidying, I was constantly tidying, even though I knew it was pointless I couldn’t just leave things until later. Sometimes I was so adamant to finish tidying that I didn’t attend to the kids when I should have, I ignored them that little bit longer because I just couldn’t bring myself to leave what I was doing. I feel terrible for that now. I suffered from hyperactivity, I couldn’t sit down, if I did I felt guilty because I knew there was something I could be doing. I also felt like if I kept the place tidy it would look like I was coping, even though I wasn’t, I didn’t want people to see I wasn’t coping and I didn’t want my husband coming home to a complete tip as well as a screaming baby and a emotional wreck of a wife.
I constantly searched estate agent sites, knowing we couldn’t afford to move, but I had to look. I also imagined leaving everything and moving the family to an island, living the simple life in a beach hut. I imagined the kids running in the sand, throwing their head back as they laughed so hard, I actually thought sometimes this could become reality, we didn’t need any of this stuff.
I think I was just really desperate for change and for some reason my brain focused on changing where we live rather than the change I really needed to make which was to get help and get better.
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