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My last day of school at 16 years old, almost at the peak of me ED.
When people think about eating disorders, they think about shock value. They are consumed with the image of a teenage girl who's incredibly underweight with her bone structure entirely on display. It's so damaging to see anorexia as a body type, rather than the mental disorder that it actually is. When you're already thin and you acquire anorexia, you're going to be much smaller than a 250 pound person who's been struggling for months, yet the latter of the two is never taken seriously. ❌ making health assumptions based on looks and start saving lives, before it's too late.

I will be completely honest with you - because no one was with me when I was trying to recover from anorexia. I tried so many times but every attempt ended up in a failure.

People told me that once I start eating everything will change for the better; "you'll get so much more energy, you'll become social again, you'll sleep better, your brain will start to function properly, you'll be happier, you won't constantly think about food, you will start to love yourself"
For some people this may be the case but it isn't true for everyone (remember that I am only sharing my own experience here).

I expected this great internal revolution, and I envisioned immediate change for the better. Of course I realized that going from not eating for several days in a row to eating several meals a day would trigger anxiety and a mentally exhausting battle but I believed that I'd at least get an instant increase of energy.
I was wrong.

When I began eating I started to feel even worse. I got so depressed that I had constant thoughts of suicide. I didn't get more energy what so ever. Every time I had a meal I'd fall asleep right after. I was exhausted, I thought about food constantly, I was feeling angry all the time. I hated myself more than ever. I thought that it was never going to end.
I didn't like the person I became with food in my system.

The only reason I didn't give up on recovery once again was the fact that I knew I'd die if I would go back. And I wanted to give life one last chance.
One last chance - because anorexia didn't give me what I was looking for, anorexia didn't give me all those things that it promised me; it didn't give me confidence, it didn't give me self-love, it didn't give me body-acceptance, it didn't give me control. Not even when I had such a low weight that I was literally on the edge of dying.

I felt like this for about a year before the turning-point came. Today I can say that it was worth it, but if I knew what I know today, I'd probably be better prepared and wouldn't have given up during my first attempts of recovery. Here I am, years later - realizing that some things will get worse, much worse, before it gets better.

Happy Wednesday/Weekend! 💙
Survived another exam and have the chance to enjoy a break at home, currently making my brunch/lunch - but wouldn't mind having this SIMPLE but HEAVENLY bowl right now. Nothing better than Vanilla-Maca Chia Porridge with all the fruits and cacao nibs 🍓 Who says that simplicity is boring?
Schönen Mittwoch euch allen! Wir haben ein langes Wochenende 😱🎉
Ich habe gerade meine vorletzte Klausur der Klausurenphase geschrieben, und kann die Mittagspause Zuhause verbringen, bevor es später nochmal in die Schule muss. Nichtsdestotrotz geht's später zum perfekten Start in das lange Wochenende laufen, was macht ihr heute noch? Und habt ihr was für die freien Tage geplant? ☀️ .
#healthycuisines#cuisinesworld#sweetcuisines#eathealthy #foodie

Afternoon snack is a blueberry bagel with mixed berry cream cheese and a soy milk! 😋🥛🍦🍓🧀🍞🍪🍩 don't worry guys just because I'm drinking soy milk doesn't mean I'm inpatient 😂 my mom and I are on better terms but she still picked me a not very nice snack :( I'm on my way to therapist now so I'm going to try to talk about taking control back 💪 have a wonderful afternoon angels!! ❤️😘 xxx #prorecovery #minniemaud #edfam #ednos #edfood #edarmy #edrecovery #anawho #anabitch #anawarrior #anarecovery #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #recoverywarrior #recoveryarmy #anorexia #anorexianervosa #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #eattolive #eattogrow #eattogain #edfamily #anafamily #goodbyeed #edcommunity #beated #fuckana #happypoints

My 17th birthday, one of the worst days of my life. Every time it hit the 10th of December I promised myself I'd forget about the rules set by Anorexia. That I'd only do half an obsessive ritual. That I'd just be me. Obviously that all went to shit because you can't just forget about Anorexia and OCD, even if it is for one day. I spent the full day, forcing myself to walk around Manchester in freezing cold temperatures. I tricked myself into thinking the bare minimum was a treat. I cried in a restaurant over a pathetic children's meal whilst people stared at me, wondering why on earth I'm blubbering at the table. Because I said Anorexia wouldn't control me on my birthday - it came in full force. It made me feel like dirt for trying to eat in public. It made me feel like dirt for even trying to make myself feel anything else other than dirt. Waking up and accepting that a whole day was for me to celebrate my birth was a straight up, "you don't fucking deserve anything" and it tore me to bits.
The other day, when I took that photo, was also one of the worst days of my life. Funny, huh? I'm not skinny, I eat and I preach positivity. How could someone like me possibly have a bad day, as bad as my 17th birthday? Well. I am very much still Anorexic, I still struggle with the thoughts 24/7, I am still attached to my illnesses. That day, I had over 5 episodes which resulted in awful behaviour. I slip up very often - but you wouldn't be able to tell, would you? Bubbly, healthy Sacha. Stop deciding the severity of Anorexia on the number that comes up when they step on a scale. Stop deciding that a good day, month, year - means "recovered"
I am smiling, I am happier, I am healthier and I like to believe I make people want that for themselves too - but I am not recovered. This one's for the Mental Health Services across the world that base the amount of support they give on how many KG that person weighs. Educate, listen. Please. ✒️ #anorexiarecovery

Si hay algo de los que le puedo asegurar , es que en la vida no todo depende de un FÍSICO de un peso ideal, de medidas , de un IMC .
La vida va más allá de ser flacos , tener una linda figura, hacer dieta erjecicios
Muchas veces nos obsesionamos con cuestiones que sólo nos hacen daño
Recuerdo pasar días en ayunos , no comer más de 100calorias al día , de hacer erjecicios por más mal que me sintiera !! Y lo peor era tirar comida habiendo tanta pobreza y hambre afuera.
De los errores se aprende , y todo error tiene lo positivo y negativo !! Y así como tiene montón de cosas negativas haber pasado por la enfermedad anorexia nerviosa también tiene la positivas !! Hoy soy feliz hoy estoy recuperada HOY VIVO EL DÍA A DÍA
Hoy estoy para contarlo para ayudar !! Hoy soy yo y no una persona manejada por una enfermedad

Eating disorders are a right fucking pain. Battling with one for the past 3 years has been tough. I've cried so much at how fat I thought I was and crying at seeing my parents cry everyday screaming at me to eat, ignoring everyones comments on how slim I was becoming but I loved it. I loved the recognition I finally was getting from everyone on how good I looked😔 I've counted calories for 3 years and never knew how much of an obsession it would become. I've spat food out and hid it from my parents so that I didn't 'gain weight'. What a fucking joke right? I skipped social events and ruined my 16th and 17th birthday and friends birthdays all because of food. Started from a healthy losing weight here and there to constantly thinking of food, restricting to under 1000 calories and losing my period😢
But now, i've made 2017 MY year. Where I confronted my fears! I have come SO far in recovery increasing my calories and starting intuitive eating: i've eaten cake, chocolate, unknown calorie meals and made so many good memories i've missed out on. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO START RECOVERY❤️ And trust me, it's been a hell of a ride but i'm so so happy now I couldn't be better😇 No i'm not that skinny anymore, but i'm not fat either! Healthy is what it's all about - oh and GAINING WEIGHT IS TOTALLY OKAY💁🏼 I will NOT ruin my holidays this year - I will eat whatever the fuck I want🙏🏻 I absolutely love helping people reach their dreams and hopes and the amount of support that this community gave me is incredible - now it's time to help others and i'm always here for anyone, but I know you guys already know that😘 @beatingeatingdisorders

Last night we celebrated our last school day wuhu🙌🏼🎉 Still can't believe I'm done with school after (all in all) 12 years!! However, first we got our finals next week (5 days straight) and then the oral exams in 3 weeks but after that, I'm officially 100% done with school!! I'll study next year (english and sports) looking forward to it!☺️❤️

"Never give up; for even rivers someday wash dams away." Joshua Marine
Have a happy 🍑 day!! 💜🤗 Make it a great one!! #persistence #strength #patience #onedayatatime @timeframephotos #summerbody


i just left my psychiatrist appointment. i don't know how to feel or what to feel, but i'm feeling everything and nothing. b r e a t h e.

this arrived in the mail this morning!! 🤗 I've been excited for this to arrive ever since I order it last week! @pranaon is seriously one of the best vegan protein powders.. I can wait to add it too my overnight oats 🤤🤤 I've also given myself the new project of trying to summarise my favourite books I've read and any future ones I read... essentially just trying to give myself something to do so I don't get too bored 😅😅 but I've actually found it really good to go through old books and relearn!! hope your all having a productive day!! you are all capable of the incredible.. sending you love 💜💜

dinner was one of my fav pitas + @smartfoodpopcorn delights white cheddar popcorn 😋 joseph's flax, oat bran & whole wheat pita spread with a laughing cow light creamy swiss wedge, loaaads of turmeric, a good bit of black pepper and sprinkle of garlic sea salt ✨ then topped w baby spinach, beetroot, doced pearl onion and ~mystery apple~ 🍃🍎😂 D forgot what type it was but he always gets one of special/seasonal ones and had to stop to grab a few things coming home today (full grocery shop tomorrow). more popcorn too 🍿 ehhh posting has been sporadic the last few days as has intake. kind of not out of the ordinary (maybe a bit more than usual) but ! intake has not been *as* sporadic as posting. i've just been trying to stay in the good moments and not be on my phone so much, and instead spending time with my husband. and trying to enjoy that time. and actually be present. and talk a bit more. and maybe both let go of some of those resentments that have piled up (caused by ed and not). and we've been doing a decent job in that department. and another step in that is to eat today, to put together dinner with some of the things he brought home because he cares and is trying. maybe not All of the Time™ maybe not in All of the Ways™ but i guess neither am i tbph, and nobody is perfect so 👏✌️💕

I've eaten chili, rice, Oreos, cheese, chips and now this jello. I'm proud of myself. I didn't look at the calories on anything today. 💕I'm getting better.

#anorexiarecovery #anorexia #ana #thighgap #weightlossjourney #weightloss #eatingdisorder #collarbone #skinny #fat #triggering #triggerwarning #legday #strong #wanttobeskinny #bulimia #binge #purge

Thursdays breakfasts were very sweet. My oatmeal was with caramel syrup, kiwi and lindt egg. Very delicious 😋👌
štvrtkové ranajky boli velmi sladke . #mojekase bola s karamelovym sirupom, kiwi a lindt vajíčkami. velmi lahodné 😋👌 #mojesnidane#mojeovesna#lindtchocolate#lindoreggs#oamealporn#poridgelover#anorexiarecovery#anarecovery#edrecovery#magersuchtkampf

Lunch today was quite different. Went to a Shanghai Restaurant with my Mum in the City! Had two pan-fried pork dumplings and a rice cake stir-fry with cabbage. These meals were completely new and different to me. It's crazy to see the variations of food between cusines and cultures ☺
Hope you are all well ❤
#anorexia #anorexianervosa #anorexiarecovery #ana #ed #edfighter #edsoldier #edrecovery #healthynotskinny #beatana #happiness

I didn't post snack because I was at my boyfriends house again and I forgot my phone. 😝 I had yogurt with peanut butter as always. This was dinner. #ana #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #ed #edfight #edfighter #edwarrior #edrecovery #kickedsass #kickanasass #kickanorexiasass #recovery #recoveryisworthit #dinner #guilty😔 #tasty #staystrong

🔸Доброго утра✌ Ну, у меня оно не доброе, но вам не пожелать его я не могу💖 Хотя стоп, нет, вру. Полиночка @ дала о себе знать😱 Я скучаю по тебе, крошка🙏 Ты преодолеешь все, ты самая сильная, с кем мне доводилось знакомиться😚
🔸Парень кумарит мозги опять. Я уже не знаю, как мне на это реагировать. Нам нужно расстаться, чтобы он *цитирую* пожил спокойно. Хуя, думаю, беспокойный какой. Конечно, я ж в раю живу изо дня в день, а он как на иголках, бедный. Сук, злая невозможно. Вы простите мою такую злобу, потом почищу пост.
🔸Может, не совсем в тему, но кому понравился вчерашний релиз Скопитонита❓ Я пару треков добавила, мне зашло👌 А еще если кто-то хочет вп в профиль (от 2к подписчиков) на сутки, то напишите в директ, PLEZ. Мне нужен всего один человек 😅
🔸Сегодня я должна была поехать погулять с мч и друзьями, но, видимо, у меня предоставился целый день для подготовки к экзаменам👍 Отрепетирую в школе, вернусь злая и расстроенная и буду писать изложения. Охеренно.
🔸Счастливого дня, киси💟 Надеюсь, у вас все будет хорошо.
#edrecovery #foodlike #food #fooddiary #anorexiarecovery #дневникпитания #ип #интуитивноепитание #еда #нехудею #myfood #fooddiary #foodporn #instafood #рпп #правильноепитание #likeforlike #питание #мирдолжензнатьчтояем #eat #анорексия #анорексичка #edwarrior #anorexia #anorexi #recovery #healthyfood #пп #foodjournal

Partook in some therapeutic bubble blowing at PHP today during our walk to the "gratitude tree" lmao🌞🌳the building is always freezing cold so it's nice when we get opportunities to go outside and thaw out a little. Allowing myself to distance myself from the outside world and distractions has helped me ground myself and begin to truly become present in the moment and focus on my healing. For too long I have been an emotional sponge, just absorbing all the energies of the chaos and confusion and negativity of my surroundings and internalizing them to the point I have lost touch with my own person. I haven't had the capacity to be happy or peaceful because I haven't allowed enough space for it to cultivate. I have been too enmeshed with everyone around me to even begin to tap into whoever "Hayley" really is. If I can't give undivided attention to my own needs and learn self-compassion, I will never be able to offer the love I want to give to the people I care about. I can't give wholly with pieces of me missing. So I'm trying to find those pieces so I can love them better than I ever have (and to finally love myself too)❤️In this process, it is okay to take time to come home to myself. I've neglected myself for way too long.

Doing shots as an autoimmune disease warrior has a different meaning!🍶 A healthy gut is vital when battling yet another flare. I do a shot glass of each of these every night to support my body in it's fight. They're also pretty tasty in my personal opinion.🤗 #autoimmunedisease #celiacdisease #lymedisease #autoimmunewarrior #anorexiarecovery #aspergers #mthfr #guthealth #probiotics #supplements #justeatrealfood #wholefoods #healingfood #foodallergies #foodasmedicine #paleofood #paleoproducts #paleolifestyle #paleo #nutrientdense #realfood #glutenfree #dairyfree #soyfree #grainfree #refinedsugarfree @farmhouseculture @innereco

Dinner time. Turkey and cheddar on a ciabatta roll I grilled. Then had some asparagus watermelon and snap pea crisps! Grilling the bread made it monumentally better. #teamtexture #dinner #sandwich #turkeysandwich #ed #edrecovery #orthorexia #orthorexiarecovery #recoveryisworthit #edsoldier #edwarrior #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #prorecovery #anarecovery #bedrecovery #fearfood #recoverywin #pancakes #breakfast #brunch #blueberrypancakes #foodpics #foodporn #foodporn #foodpics

"Haley, you want some ice cream?" says my mom. "No I'm good thanks" is my response. "Are you sure, I bought some drumsticks?" She says. ".........drumsticks??..... no... I'm good." "Haley, I want a drumstick. Go get one for me. And one for you too. Let's have them together" says my dad. No joke. Just like that... said he'd have a drumstick with me 😃 And so we had drumsticks together! (And side note... he freakin' bit the bottom of the cone off first guys?!?! Like what are you doing dad?!? 😂🤦🏻‍♀️😂🤦🏻‍♀️) The simplest of experiences, yet the best. Memories > ed. Every day. Have a good night ya'll 😘• #edrecovery#edwarrior#eatingdisorder#eatingdisorderrecovery#anorexia#anorexiarecovery#anorexiaathletica#prorecovery#bulimia#ana#mia#recovery#fuckanorexia#adultswitheds#togetherwecan#edfighter#edfamily#beatana#beated#realrecovery#intuitiveeating#eatittobeatit#foodisfuel#icecream#drumstick#recoverywin

night snack was chocolate halo top and (slightly mashed) strawberries! it was a little disappointing because i had to put benacalorie in here and i barely used any (i was supposed to use all of it but it just wasn't going to work) and it still made it all liquidy and it tasted weird 😕 besides skimping on that and like 3 servings of fruit (and part of my ensure) i've met my whole meal plan today! i know it might seem like i missed a lot but it's usually much more so this is pretty exciting. (ptw - weight) i found where my mom hid the scale last friday right after my doctor's appointment and it said i was 90 pounds. that scale is six pounds heavy so i was actually 84 but still. now it says i weigh 94 (so really 88) and i'm really scared that i gained all that weight in such a short time and not even eating my whole meal plan 😣 my weight has been up for a few days too so i don't think it was water weight or anything. of course it's a good thing because i won't have to be hospitalized but at the same time i still don't want to gain 😬 i had a good appointment with my therapist though, she really helped me out! she said my mom should eat breakfast with me though which is annoying because i like to be alone for breakfast (part of it is ed related but part of it is just me). have a good night everyone 💖

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