Every single word. My heart filled up on these words. Soul food. Chaos & concerns have been flooding my mind. For those new to my feed, this year has been a long year filled w beautiful God Winks & tiny spectaculars along w the great heartaches of immense let downs. It’s been a year of getting to know so deeply the and/boths of life as I continue to feel the deep pains of #trigeminalneuralgia & #glossopharyngealneuralgia & #genticulateneuralgia & #occipitalneuralgia & #anesthesiadolorosa. That’s a mouthful. I also went to have a brain surgery in May in CA w the top neurosurgeon in our country for the GN & GPN. It failed. He was great. My facial pains & neuralgias are complicated.
I’ve attempted to handle it all w grace, w humor, w raw vulnerability of how it’s all really going. I spend most of my time in the valley. I can breathe down here. The company is good. My choosing joy horizontally looks like yoga. I can left foot, right foot or simply just be. I have a f💙ck face & f💙ck head & I feel like everyone has one, it just might not be their face or head. We all struggle w something. Right? I’m recovering from all things. I have been for almost 6 years. I also struggle w depression here & there. One thing you can’t just “get better” from. I don’t get calm by being told to get calm. Ever. I’m sensitive. I’m real. I’m a badass Joy Warrior. I do choose Joy. I look for the good. I have a beautiful life w the ones I love. I exist in pain. I live by choosing joy. They exist together. That and/both thing which I know is grace upon grace. I believe that’s God working his magic.
There’s no cure for my neuralgias just like there’s no cure for recovering from addiction or eating disorder. There’s this want inside of us. Since the days of my youth I have fought through so many things & I’ve survived them all. So, I have to believe that even in the chaos & darkness, things will be ok. Today those feelings are there. Feelings left over from the weekend. In order to get through w grace, I first tantrum. It’s the way of a Warrior. A Badass Warrior & shit. This is some of me, not all. I’m hoping it all forward & just focusing on today. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy

A single thread of hope is still a very powerful thing.
I think it’s those threads of hope that I’ve been braiding making my own rope to tie knots into when I feel weary. It’s a pretty strong rope.
A single thread. Like a tiny spectacular can bring joy to last all day. Just sayin’. I love you. I love me. I love us.
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #hopedealer #hopingitforward #humansofjoy #findyourjoy #thisismystory #warriorspirit #badassery #hopevalley #wekeepgoing #asinglethread #iloveus

All of our beautiful selfies from last night. The second one being my favorite.
This little human is such an incredible “bouncer”. What I mean by that is that when she gets knocked down, she bounces back so quickly. She doesn’t skip any feelings at all. At 10, I was already a skipper.
May she continue to bounce. I’m always watching and learning. 💙

#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thatsmygirl #jrjoywarrior #webounce #humansofjoy #selfielove #thisisourstory #iadoreher #growinguphuman #iloveus #choosejoy #findyourjoy

Between hurting and shit, I do many other things. More than this but my board is too small & I hate to brag.
Right now, I am hurting a great deal. My worst is being obnoxious (more than asshole-ish). Today I made this list. So what else is happening when I’m hurting. This is my life. I am hurting24/7 AND...I am doing so much other stuff at the exact same time. I am horizontal a lot. I am in the valley, that’s how I breathe. I do live, love, & laugh. Laughter is my favorite sound EVAH. I think it’s the sound people make when they can no longer contain all of the joy they feel in that moment. Recovery is my job. I cry & have all the feels. Might be another job😐 I pray wholeheartedly & with intention. I make that time w God over coffee. Coffee talks are powerful. I learn & keep learning. Please let me never stop bc this is how I grow. And I dance (30 second dance parties with Meredith - my button, a feeding tube, for my new followers- are the best). And I tantrum. Sometimes in my head & sometimes not. It’s how I grieve & get angry for my old self, for having these diseases w no cures & all of this pain. I do sleep as much as I can. That’s my only relief. I feel so much gratitude for so many things. My surgeries & treatments have failed so far on the right side of my face & head AND YET, they have healed & mended me in other ways. I choose Joy on the daily. I exist in pain AND I live by choosing JOY. Choose Joy. Feel Joy. Spread Joy. And I swear bc it clears my throat chakras.
AND I coach. Today I begin coaching my daughter’s school cheer team w the help of a very dear friend & many other Moms I enlisted to help us. It’s something I never imagined doing (I don’t think many people at all imagined me doing it). That is what the Warrior pose is for. I am home alone & anytime I get up, that’s how I walk around. This is big for me. To be honest, I am kinda scared. I’m doing it anyway. And shit. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #cheercoach #andshit #thisismystory #warriorspirit #theinbetweens #thisishowiroll #badasswomen #invisibleillness #livingproof

A tiny glimpse of my real life. My hubby just texted these to me. He took them while I was attacking Scarlett last night with love that oozes out of me and her giggles when I do it. These moments are tiny spectaculars, the greatest joys. These are the moments that make my heart dance.
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #mothersanddaughters #thisisourstory #myreallife #thatsmygirl #thisisthegoodstuff #shesthebestest #iloveus

This was yesterday. We did our Target run. It was meh. It’s my head & it’s pulling me under. There is this heaviness I feel that is more than sadness. It’s a depress- ish weight. The treatment I received Thursday for the #occipitalneuralgia was a loss. It was a big “Damnit! What the hell??!”. And Friday I sunk as I spent the day alone & in that room w my self where all is quiet & tears fill buckets. And there are no more f😐cks to be given. Tantrums are thrown. And I’m in so much pain l just can’t be still. And Saturday comes & my people are around & I feel my bones shake that need to choose Joy or else. Pain and Joy. “Dear Lord, help me choose Joy” is an oh so common prayer for me. He hears, “It’s me. Thank you for sending the sun” followed by my prayer. It’s me making another knot at the end of my rope. The depress & the reaching for a life preserver meet up so I can catch my breath & stop trying to figure it all out.
Scarlett & I chose Joy by decorating the Christmas tree. Scarlett put an ornament on & then left to decorate her own little tree bc Musically. And I did our tree. This is the earliest I have EVER put up a Christmas tree (My dad died on Xmas eve so it’s not ever been a thing for me) and yet yesterday, I loved every second of it. I put on my “Ohmyhell Choose Joy” t-shirt & did it.
My pain and joy danced together with every ornament placed. A new kind of Joy woke up in my house. And in me. I still feel the let down, the “what the hell?”, the heartache of another fail. And I feel this greater joy. It’s all so and/both. It’s fuckery and joy. It’s life. Day by day. Left foot, right foot...breathe, choose Joy.
I love you. I love me. I love us.
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisismystory #badassery #choosejoy #findjoy #depression #wekeepgoing #whatthehell #ohmyhell #warriorspirit #invisibleillness #chronicpainwarrior #christmastrees #dearlord

Because this. This is what we need, to continue to astonish the world with your acts of kindness.
So many people think they can’t change so much of what is happening in our world. And maybe we can’t do big things but every single small act done with big LOVE is “something”. Those random acts of kindness we do AND then very intentional ones we do DO HAVE A RIPPLE EFFECT. You know?
I notice it here.
This quote moves me deep in my soul, especially in the times we are living in now. Please continue. Continue to shake the world up with your kindness. We need it. Choose Joy. Feel Joy. Spread Joy.
I love you. I love me. I love us.
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #mayaangelou #thisismystory #randomactsofkindness #intentionalkindness #rippleeffect #choosejoy #findyourjoy #humansofjoy #beaworldchanger #sisterhood #loveyourtribe #wekeepgoing #togetherwerise

A little #flashbackfriday to Rosemary Sr. and Rosemary Jr. I am Rosemary’s granddaughter and quite literally the spitting image of my father.
My Grannie was my biggest fan. She died when I was 22. She would have been 93 today. In January she will have been gone 20 years. It’s so crazy to think about that.
I think about her ALL the time. I have pieces of her all around my house. Tiny trinkets of her and us. She was my favorite. I got my red hair from her. And so much of me came from her, little things I say and do.
I am Rosemary’s granddaughter. I always will be. Nothing will ever ever change that. And there’s even a song about it, “Who I am,” And a line that says, “My Mama’s still my biggest fan,” (Bardie). Scarlett loves to listen with me. 💙
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #memoriesforlife #grandmothers #myheartisfullofher #thisismystory #iamrosemarysgranddaughter #thisisjoy #justasiam

This post is to raise money for the Make A Wish foundation. Disney will donate $5 for every post with us using anything as ears with the hashtag above!
Come on tribe, get your ears on!! Scarlett says do it!! #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #choosejoy #findyourjoy #makeawish #believeit #mickeyears #iloveus #dreamsdocometrue #needcoffee #morecoffeeplease

I do believe I can and so I keep going, trying. I had my first treatment today. It was hard. I’m waiting. Wondering. Curious of the outcome. For now just trying to hope and pray it forward while pain rocks me like a baby.
She believed she could so she did. That’s how we should just keep going, huh? Believing in what may come. Holding faith in one hand, fear in the other. Letting them just hold hands.
Either way, Bardie says, “We got this and God’s got us”. I’m going to keep clinging to that.
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #occipitalneuralgia #shebelieveshecouldsoshedid #thisismystory #warriorspirit #hopeandpray #believeinsomething #wegotthis #godsgotus #infearandfaith #hopeitforward

Sometimes the best thing you can do is have faith that everything will work out for the best. I confess, sometimes this is so very effing hard for me. I call HUMAN (like “post it”). With most things I can do this. I try very hard to do this. I keep trying to do this. Sometimes, fear wins over faith. Honesty. When it comes to my f💙ck face & head, I do try to #hopeitforward, have nothing but positive thoughts that the next something will work. I try not to imagine or wonder what happens if it doesn’t work AND holy shit, what if it does?!! Truth is, it’s very far out of my realm of all things that something could work to ease my pain. So far, all the surgeries have not only failed but 2 surgeries made things so much worse. And that’s more than a few F😶CKS.
AND YET, tomorrow I am beginning a new series of treatments to hopefully help the pain of my occipital neuralgias on both sides of my face & then the #trigeminalneuralgia on my left side. They are nerve blocks that could offer me relief anywhere from a few days to a couple months or so. I am trying with everything in me to let my faith be bigger than my fear. To only think, “This will work” or “This will turn out for the best”. As I have been having all of my worst headaches & throat pains & neck pain. I pray fervently that this will work for at least the #occipitalneuralgia. I told my hubby last night that something has to give. Even if just for a little while. You know? Isn’t that true for so many of us? That when so much of life keeps going & we are weighed down, we just need time to slow down or for something to just give?
My “sometimes” are tricky when it comes to this part of my life. That’s okay-ish. Pain. Hope. Grace. I’m equipped with many feelings. That’s real life. I’m also equipped w hoping while I’m coping. And letting my faith hold my fear’s hand. And believing with everything in me what Bardie says, “We’ve got this and God’s got us.” Either way, that’s true. And shit.
I love you. I love me. I love us.
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #thisismystory #sometimesiwonder #godsgotus #painhopegrace #hopewhileyoucope #justwait #wegotthis #wenustkeepgoing #forthelove #prayerwarrior

Big Syd (Doug- my kid’s and I renamed him) gives a thumbs up to voting and I did. We hope you did too! Because showing up has never been more important.
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #getmonked #thumbsup #votingmatters #keepshowingup #choosejoy #choosekind #letyourvoicebeheard
We love you @thesuburbanmonk 💜

You are a Badass. I am going to be one too. There’s something I’ve been wanting to write about but it’s hard for me. When it comes to weighty posts on social media, it’s about weight loss. It’s difficult to write about a weight gain. When the world around me is dieting to lose weight, including my hubby, it’s very hard to be the one trying to gain weight. And because of my 23 year love affair w anorexia, it’s harder to do & harder to talk about. My weight has always been low, especially since I have had the feeding tube & glossopharyngeal neuralgia. My weight has dipped down into malnutrition at times from pain. Since my surgery in May, it had dipped down about 12 pounds, give or take. When I get depressed, my appetite is the first to go. We never point the finger at me that I am using old behaviors. My therapist says that losing one’s appetite while grieving or going through depression, etc., is a normal response. I went through all of this again & again. And for me, it is a very fine line bc of my history w addiction. The dips in my weight came w the grief of a failed surgery that left me in more pain than ever. It came w a feeding tube that broke down. And it came w me being angry & depressed & not knowing what to do w feelings I kept stumbling over. And then there was this point where I had to question my self? Am I using my anorexia to cope? Is this a relapse? I wasn’t sure. Someone who loves me dearly didn’t care what the reasons were, she just wanted me to nourish my body. To be stronger. The numbers have been climbing over a long period of time. Slow and steady. We fall & we rise. And just as I wrote yesterday, I’ve lost over the past 6 months & I’ve gained.
My history w addiction & eating disorder was very long. And anytime my weight drops, I get nervous, anxious. I worry about another relapse. Why wouldn’t I? We don’t think that’s what all of this has been but maybe parts of it were. There has been incredible grief alongside the tiny spectaculars. I need to be open & honest. To own it. You know?
I hit a goal that was important to me. I feel badass and shit. My tries are becoming try-umphs. #Joywarrior

And with a little lotta coffee, we are so badass who got this and shit.
Happy Sunday Darlin. Have a day, any kind of day you choose.
I love you. I love me. I love us.
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #needcoffee #morecoffeeplease #wegotthis #iloveus #badasswomen #haveaday #sundaymorningvibes #sisteron #iloveyouboo

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