You are a Badass. I am going to be one too. There’s something I’ve been wanting to write about but it’s hard for me. When it comes to weighty posts on social media, it’s about weight loss. It’s difficult to write about a weight gain. When the world around me is dieting to lose weight, including my hubby, it’s very hard to be the one trying to gain weight. And because of my 23 year love affair w anorexia, it’s harder to do & harder to talk about. My weight has always been low, especially since I have had the feeding tube & glossopharyngeal neuralgia. My weight has dipped down into malnutrition at times from pain. Since my surgery in May, it had dipped down about 12 pounds, give or take. When I get depressed, my appetite is the first to go. We never point the finger at me that I am using old behaviors. My therapist says that losing one’s appetite while grieving or going through depression, etc., is a normal response. I went through all of this again & again. And for me, it is a very fine line bc of my history w addiction. The dips in my weight came w the grief of a failed surgery that left me in more pain than ever. It came w a feeding tube that broke down. And it came w me being angry & depressed & not knowing what to do w feelings I kept stumbling over. And then there was this point where I had to question my self? Am I using my anorexia to cope? Is this a relapse? I wasn’t sure. Someone who loves me dearly didn’t care what the reasons were, she just wanted me to nourish my body. To be stronger. The numbers have been climbing over a long period of time. Slow and steady. We fall & we rise. And just as I wrote yesterday, I’ve lost over the past 6 months & I’ve gained.
My history w addiction & eating disorder was very long. And anytime my weight drops, I get nervous, anxious. I worry about another relapse. Why wouldn’t I? We don’t think that’s what all of this has been but maybe parts of it were. There has been incredible grief alongside the tiny spectaculars. I need to be open & honest. To own it. You know?
I hit a goal that was important to me. I feel badass and shit. My tries are becoming try-umphs. #Joywarrior