⚠️Long Post Alert⚠️ I don't know how to start this post so I'll just let the words spew out like the dysfunctional projectile vomit of anxiety they're trying to release. I keep it pretty low key, or at least I try to, because I don't like to show weakness. Or emotion. Or affection. Usually. But 26 years of that has imploded and now I'm left standing here, eyes tearing ash on my lips singed eyelashes and the remnants of what used to be my rock solid resolve in a pile around my feet. .
I've always been 360° of complex, as a child trying to understand whats and whys and how comes that adults don't even have the mind to wonder, even now. At any given time my synapses are firing a million miles a minute and that used to be a good thing, but at what point in my childhood did complexity and curiosity and observational thirst become anxiety? I remember my first panic attack- I wasn't even 5 yet and the insomnia was already a constant reality, but one night the boredom and restlessness became panic. I felt like I was suffocating, like my chest was one of those manual wall sharpeners and someone stuck a No.2 in me and my insides were grinding together, sharpening the warm, soft, malleable makeup of my being into a calloused, pointed, rigid texture. Even as I write this my chest feels like an icemaker thats been frozen over, struggling to create and push out material but just getting caught, grinding and screeching and coughing out shards but no cubes.
It's my day off. I'm less than 3 weeks out. I have a laundry list of errands to run to make sure I'm on top of prep and ready for this weekend's Olympia, but all I've done is eaten and gotten dressed and taken this selfie. But that's more than I did a few days ago.
Why am I writing this? Because I know I'm not the only one. Because lately it's been really bad for me, but worse for others, and if I can help someone and enhance their day, then mine wasnt a waste. Because I'm a fucking wolf, and excuses are for sheep. Because no matter how legitimate it is, the world doesn't care about your fucking problem. Because the only real solution is sack up and stay the fucking course #allfightnoflight #lonewolf #aintnobitch