It feels selfish and wrong to say but I wish my father wasn't in my life. I don't wish anything bad to happen to him. But I don't want anything to do with him because he chose alcohol over his family. While it's unfair to blame someone struggling, I do blame him because we tried to help him and he has hit rock bottom plenty of times, but he doesn't want help. So I personally see it as he chose it because he didn't choose recovery. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Right now, I try to picture him far away (which is probably odd for others to understand because I live in his house) but it makes it easier to cope if I can imagine as if he's distant. Because to me, he's already mentally far, far away as he's drinking all the time. But if I can mentally put him far away, it's like he's in another country and out of my life. And to me, that means he can "come back" when he chooses to. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
That's why I love this song by Britt Nicole. Because while I see the meaning as a daughter who lost her dad, I've lost mine in a different sense. It's in past tense ("he loved") and that's helpful for me to see it as because it's too much to know he's still here and still hurting himself. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I don't know if that makes sense but it's easier to pretend like he is far away because he's constantly checked out of life and it's been far too upsetting to acknowledge he is still here, because he's really not mentally. That's how I have to see things to get through it. Because I was barely surviving when I was constantly reminding myself he's doing this to my family. So, as odd as it probably sounds, I pretend quite often he doesn't exist because it's my way to separate myself from getting caught up in the sheer pain of this. I hope one day he can choose help. Good for him if he does. But I can't be responsible for it like I have been. It's not my place and trying to help has only hindered my own growth and my own life. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
So right now, my dad is far away. And that's ok. Even though he is far away, I know for sure that God isn't.