Accessing file: Finding the Nerve.
I have been through a lot of changes. I have witnessed a lot of pain and death, fighting for reasons that seemed almost preventable. I fought over land that in my opinion no one has claim to. I've fought against ideological and religious beliefs that condemn one another. I've fought over another country who simply wanted to start a fight. And I did it without one single thought. Never afraid, only thinking that this was life. Only thinking that the world we lived in needed people like me. But how self righteous is that? You are watching people die over a plot of land. You are killing people just because they thing your beliefs are wrong and they would rather force you into their own system than prove their own point rationally. It's ridiculous. It's adding pain and negative energy. The more death we experience, the more we distance ourselves from what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. It's getting to where animals have better cognitive reasoning than the ones whom have developed a method of communication to explore the abstract. Why did I kill so many people by my sword? Because I was told it was necessary. I was brainwashed to believe I could die for a righteous cause. But then I realized that the others that I was fighting against had no fear of fighting me either. They were told the same thing. It was at that point that I realized the being fearless was not being courageous. Being fearless was a defect in human emotional consciousness. I thought of the Lion. The symbol of the people in the island that I had come to visit. The lion was always a part of the pride. But a lion takes care of the pride by making the best decisions and fighting for the reasons he, himself believes is necessary. A lion, is king because he makes his own decision. I realized that I had never made a decision for me-self at all. I realized that I had been duped. For the first time in me life, I felt fear. I knew I had been wrong and I didn't know how to leave my violent life. I only knew that I had to, reguardless of what my peers thought. For the first time in me life I had to find the nerve. Love, Alec.