I’ve hated you since I was little. I’ve hated the way you swell up when I eat junk food. I’ve hated the way you look when I sit. I’ve hated your fat distribution, I’ve hated that I’ve had fat in all the places that make me look like a girl. I’ve hated that you make people assume I’m a woman when I’m not. And the way you make me feel like shit. The way you react to my constant anxious state. I’ve hated that the way you look has stopped me from doing things I really wanted to do. But dear body - I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for treating you like garbage when you fought so hard to keep me alive. I’m sorry I didn’t feed you the right diet for 15 years. I apologise that for a while, I didn’t feed you at all, even when you told me you were starving. I’m sorry that I think such awful things about you all day long, and I’m sorry that I keep measuring your worth in numbers. Now that I’ve grown a little older, and have trashed the scale, I know that you do a kick ass job. I’m still alive, despite having tried not to be on several occasions. You’ve kept me strong my whole life, and made sure I was safe. That my little 5-foot body was doing well. Regardless of what’s happened to me mentally, you’ve kept me physically healthy my entire life, apart from some allergies and allergic asthma. Every single day, you fight your butt off to keep me alive and well, and all I give you is hatred. I’m so sorry for that. When you’ve had an eating disorder and are constantly pestered with those thoughts, it can be hard to see your body for what it really is - the one thing that keeps fighting for you no matter the circumstances. We only get one body in this life, don’t look down on it. When it comes to bodies, it really is the inside that counts. The skin plays no part in keeping your heart beating.
So here I am, in all my vulnerability. I’d be lying if I claimed the tummy roll didn’t bother me, but that shit won’t stop me anymore.
#emetophobia #emetophobic #emetophobiarecovery #emetophobe #phobia #lgbt #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #anxietydisorder #anxietyrecovery #lgbtq #ocd #bodypositivity #eatingdisorder #edrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #trans #transgender #ftm