Highs and Lows
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Well, for the first time since 2002 I am off all medications and, for the most part, am free from any Crohn’s symptoms! Yesterday I found out that the blood clot in my neck that we discovered last November is finally gone. So, for now the only pills I am taking are vitamins - and my liver and I couldn’t be happier about that.
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However, as much as I would love to say I’m doing great, that just wouldn’t be honest. I am still struggling with seeing an ostomy bag hanging off of my body everyday and I am constantly afraid that something will go wrong or I will get a blockage and end back up in the ER. To make matters worse, just this morning I had my first mishap with my bag while out in public. When I tried to empty it, my hand slipped which resulted in it exploding all over the bathroom stall. So, I cleaned it up and went about my morning; then I had a nice long cry in my car when I was alone and it was time to head home.
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That’s the thing with invisible illnesses, after living with one for so long you learn to hold in the pain and tears just long enough so that to the rest of the world you appear fine. I can post pictures on social media where I am smiling and happy, and while yes there are many moments where this is the reality, there are also moments where I don’t even want to leave my house. I don’t even remember the last time I went more than a day without crying at least a little bit - whether it be about a mishap with my bag or just the fact that I have one. But, this makes the happy moments so much sweeter. Living with this illness has completely changed my way of viewing even the simplest parts of the day. Any moment that I can smile and not think about my health issues (even if it is just for a few minutes) is worth everything to me.