On day two we invite the moms over to see our new place. They're so joyous to see it, yet within 5 minutes I'm triggered. I walk out of the bathroom and all of the sudden I'm overwhelmed with double reactions of "OH MY GAWD YOU LOOK SO SKINNY! LOOK AT YOU! OH HONEY!" I feel attacked. I feel judged. I feel ashamed. Ugly. Like I'm being looked at. This is a sore subject for me. Since being diagnosed with Crohns it takes a lot of effort for me to keep weight on and I've had my fair share of insecurities around it. The old me would laugh awkwardly and change the subject or defend myself. I instead took a deep breath and attempted to be courageous. I stood in my power and said, "I don't appreciate comments being made about my weight because it-" and immediately I'm cut off by the "gobbling turkey effect"- "OH HONEY WE DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT WE MEANT WE ARE JEALOUS WE WISH WE COULD BE THAT SKINNY OH OH DUWKCBAIEKEHXIJX!!" I'm cut off, shut down, unheard, they're in a freak reaction, and all the sudden I'm now in a position to have to remedy them. I'm watching a show unfold right before my eyes and I can't breathe. They continued to tell me I'd understand when I'm a mother. I told them I will never comment on my daughters weight in that way. Ever. They begged to differ. I fumed and the subject changed. Again, yesterday I brought this back up to my mom. I explained to her that we are so busy reacting and defending that none of us get heard. I began to cry. It's becoming so clear to me why so many of us don't feel truly understood in our pain. I wished for them to simply drop in and hear me when I expressed myself (which took every ounce of courage to do- maybe because I knew they would react that way and it never seemed worth it to express my true feelings in the past because the anticipated shutdown reaction was imminent). To instead slow down, be objective, and say, "we hear you- we understand why you are sensitive to that"... without taking the energy away and making it a dramatic show and turning the table.
Can you see my pain? Can you hear me without jumping down my throat? I want to hear you too. I want to hear what's underneath that⬇️⬇️