I’ve been trying to convince myself to cut off my hair for 3 years. The fact that I haven’t yet speaks to a few things: attachment to objects, association of hair with identity, association of hair with perceived attractiveness, insecurity, & dysphoria. .
This past year, I’ve grown more comfortable in my genderqueerness, cultivating my performance art & drag king identity, exploring my masculinity. Simultaneously, I’ve yearned, increasingly to cut it. I get a lot of compliments on my hair. I don’t value compliments on my physical appearance very highly, and oftentimes they make me uncomfortable. Yet I’ve noticed that my reluctance to cut it is partly a result of me internalizing these compliments as my hair = what makes me “attractive” or valuable to others. I’ve noticed that I associate parts of my femme identity, and my security in it, with my hair length / style. I know that most people do, too.
I yearn for my genderqueerness and my expression of queer masculinity to feel more validated, more seen. I want to feel comfortable & handsome & attractive—without the safety blanket of long hair. .
But then I tell myself: ‼️fuck that ‼️ aren’t you just reinforcing cisheteronormative gender norms??? 🧐 short hair= masculine; long hair = feminine always??🧐 ‼️We all know this is utter bullshit‼️Then I remind myself: I’ve performed in drag with short and long hair, and felt equally powerful as fuck.‼️I’ve presented with my hair down, or hidden in a hat, pulled back, & felt equally comfortable - depending on the day. ‼️I like versatility‼️hair is impermanent ‼️
So THEN I get stuck in this cycle of validating wanting to express myself certain ways, but simultaneously calling myself out, & then justifying myself again. I’m also a gemini moon AKA indecisive as fuck/often fear that i’ll regret my decisions (which happens often). 😅😫 So I DON’T KNOW. I’m rambling. I do know I’ll cut my hair, eventually.
But until then, I’ll keep reminding myself: genderqueerness has no parameters or stipulations on femininity, masculinity, or everything else outside & in between. 🍂My expression is mine. 🍂My performance is mine. 🍂My identity is mine.🍂