I've kept it really close-to-the-chest, but I want to share my experience with mental illness.
I've been suffering from Anxiety and Panic Disorder for about 20 years now. But just over the past year, it's finally come to a head that it's been debilitating. I've been on benzodiazepines and every SSRI/SSNRI under the Sun, but I'm still struggling to come to grips with my mental illness.
I've had so many issues with it that I don't know where to begin. I've lost so many opportunities, relationships, and amazing friendships because of my fears. But, I always blamed the illness, and never looked inward. I've been hiding behind my anxiety to always reconcile with all the mistakes I made, and the terrible decisions that hurt others I care about most. I felt an incredible amount of shame and despair; I ended up hurting and cutting myself.
I'm terribly ashamed of the life I lived upto now, but at the very least, I need to have a better mindset that it is ME that makes these decisions, and not hide behind my Panic Disorder. It may be a part of me and who I am, but at the end of the day, I make the decisions that I choose: I can at least own up to them.
I'm sorry to all those that I've hurt and ignored, the indifference that I showed, and just not being a good friend, especially to the ones who have cared so much for me and ask how I'm doing.
I'm trying to do better, but I know that trying just sometimes isn't good enough. I know I need to BE better, but I'm not sure how or when I'll be. But for starters, I need to accept who I am, and be more compassionate to myself and others.
Someone very near and dear to me said this to me, "How can you learn to love someone else if you can't even love yourself?" Ain't that the truth.
To everyone going through their own personal struggles and self-hate, please remember:
Be kind to yourself 💐 --- Art Credit: #galactibun
#mentalillness #panicdisorder #anxiety #selfharm