When did your ego become the deciding factor in your decisions?
When did you start doing things based on how it makes you look?
When did you construct this unbendable way you see yourself?
Can you pinpoint the event that made you decide you were done with being different?
When I was in grade 7, I moved to a new school and on the first day there were 7 girls wearing the same pink GAP sweater. I had a desire to be a part of the group but it wasn’t all that compelling. My teacher would keep me after class and tell me I was special and I was going to do something great with my creativity. I always wore pigtails with pompoms and striped pants of every colour. I liked fur and sequins and writing songs and practicing public speeches I wasn’t even going to do. I was so thrilled about my new fuzzy yellow cardigan until I was in the washroom and the Pink Sweater Gang was hosting the roast of me. I was crying at the end of the day and the teacher wanted to know what was wrong. I stayed in another room down the hall and I could hear her furiously screaming at the entire classroom. It was too late. No more pompoms, no more colours, no more fuzzies. All black everything.
When you deny your true self to fit in, you let your ego take the lead. The next 10 years, aside from teenage angst hitting me like a shovel, were a slippery slope of denying and the universe punishing me more and more violently.
It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I stopped. Everything you have within you is more than enough; you just need to embrace it. Forget how you want people to see you, your portrayed self, and shamelessly be you. Be the expert of your crafts and have a fucking great week. 💐