I wrote a long post for pregnancy and infant loss awareness day on October 15th. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to post it that day, or anything relating to the topic for that matter. It’s not that I had forgotten my 3 previous losses at the time.....trust me, that’s not even remotely possible. My heart aches every day for each of those precious babies. My heart also aches for every woman and family who has had to go through this. .
While I didn’t participate that day to help bring awareness to pregnancy loss, I was VERY “aware” that day. You see, I was pregnant at the time, 8 weeks to be exact. After my third IUI failed, Pete and I decided to take a month off. My body needed a break before we took the next step of our journey (IVF) - no procedures, no injections, no meds - a month to rest. Who knows, maybe we would get pregnant on our own? And that is just what happened! We were shocked, excited, cautiously optimistic, but also completely scared to death because of our history. .
On Oct 15th, this is part of what I wrote but never posted, “Now we sit here facing the same fate once again. I’m 8 weeks today. What if this was supposed to be our rainbow? What if this was a healthy pregnancy? But we are not going to be able to see this pregnancy come to fruition and get to hold a baby in our arms. It’s a waiting game. Something is wrong. The baby isn’t growing like it should be, it’s heart isn’t beating strongly like it needs to be. The heartbeat was slow at our first ultrasound, got a little stronger at the second and gave us a little hope, to only have that taken away at the third when the heartbeat was weaker than the first time. We pray for a miracle, but also prepare ourselves for what is to come. We wait.....we wait for those dreaded words once again, “There is no heartbeat.” 💔💔” .
A week and a half ago at 11 weeks, we had to say goodbye once again as we lost our fourth baby. I honestly can’t even put into words the absolutely crushing devastation and heartbreak we feel. We don’t yet know where we will go from here. For now, we are just trying to heal the best we can.