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swaybenns swaybenns

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Casual LA pic

Hey ma

Hi guys!

On the losing end of a long argument with my lazy body

My peace lily is an unsympathetic teacher: I believe I am offering too much, always. When my peace lily asks for water, I fear my attempts to nourish will end her. I offer a trickle. She wilts, I worry. "No"—she is insistent—"I'll tell you when I've had enough. More. More until I overflow." I drown her, I worry. And then she opens up. She blooms.

Tfw you get to have Easter dinner with YOUR FAVORITE LITTLE SISTER

These past three months I've had five ekgs, a stress test, an echocardiogram, an MRI, worn a holter monitor, had electrical currents run through my heart, and been injected with adrenaline in an attempt to figure out how and why my heart beats irregularly. Today I know about as much about my heart as I did in December. But I do know that I feel just about every contraction in my chest because my heart pounds hard against my breast and rattles my rib cage. And I do know that sometimes my heart beats too fast—sometimes 233 beats per minute—and still it keeps going and that means it is strong. And, for now, maybe that’s enough to know to know this: I am grateful my heart beats at all, because—for all of us, always—that is a courtesy and not an obligation, and my body's generosity humbles me.

"I tend to shiver." Swimming in two hospital gowns pre-MRI self portrait.

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