smilebclarry smilebclarry

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You Are The Night Time Fear  praise makes me uncomfortable because it really clashes with the negative opinions I have about myself

i am a got damn fool for talking such fat nonsense in my last post because I am currently freAking my shit what in the god dang was I thinking and I’m already in Pennsylvania so I can’t turn back now and I’m reaaallllyyyy considering ending it all oh my god

What’s up guys! So update, I’m in Pennsylvania, and I’ll be in New York to move into my dorm by tomorrow! I’m honestly terrified. no one ever tells you about how hard getting into the car and leaving home is, especially when you know that you won’t be home for at least a couple of months. My life is at this massive precipice and it’s really scary because reality and my grip on the future feels sorta slippery(?). That probably doesn’t make a lot of sense but, I know I’m at a quintessential point in which I could change my life for the better, I can chase my dreams, or I can give into this overwhelming anxiety and give up after a week 🤷🏼‍♀️. It’s truly terrifying because for the first time I’m actually investing in myself and my ability to be brave and grow and live on my own. As someone who couldn’t stay the night places without having a massive panic attack from the ages 9-17, and hasn’t spent over 3 days from home since she was 7, this shit is scary. but that’s okay. I’m 14 hours from my home, I know no one in the city, I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen, but I know what I want to happen and it’s something I’m willing to fight even myself for. I guess what I’m trying to get across is- college is scary. It’s not all excitement and dorm shopping. College is money. It’s waking up and realizing your mom isn’t going to take you to the doctor when you get sick. It’s forging connections that your goals rely on. It’s a lot of self-trust, and as someone who has had mental illness since I was 8, it kinda seems like this impossible Herculean task. I’m not the girl I used to be though, and I’m going to do something I’ve never tried before. Whenever things get hard I’m going to keep going, because I already know what it’s like to give up. I’ve done it a million times. And just this once I’m going to find out what happens if i push forward. And I hope that you guys will try this with me too. Together we can all//just//not give up.

I leave for college in NYC tomorrow YEET


Life Update: I graduate high school in four days and than I’m going to college in New York

It’s been at least 2 minutes

Where I live is in the path of Irma and I'm just gonna sit and see what happens lmao

This is precious and I thought I'd share it

This is the kinda shit that gives me an existential crisis

Senior year is rough man

He's so beautiful I can't breathe

I'm so cold

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