Some of you ask me about anxiety and addiction. You ask me how to handle anxiety without numbing it out.
Well. It goes like this.
When I am at peace I am so good on advising people what to do. I know exactly how to handle pain and anxiety and in my imagination all is doable.
Am I at peace now? Absolutely not!
Can I sit with pain?
Tonight I've been zapping all the apps on my phone, I've looked at apartments, googled documentaries, watched half a documentary, made pancakes for dinner, been to an AA meeting, unclogged the pipes from the bathtub and checked my email 67 times.
There's a hole inside of me and I can almost measure it. It has the size of a 1.73 cm tall woman and a 58 cm tall baby girl. The hole is actually bigger than me so I'm a walking hole right now. To try to fill this hole with pancakes and email is pretty silly and still, this is what anxiety does to me. To just sit in this hole and look into the wall like a psycho is impossible.
So what would a good option be I ask myself? The anxious me is asking the serene version of me right now, what is a good option right now?
Honestly I don't know as this version of me is much less wise and much more fidgety. But I did two good things. I sent a text to my daughter telling how much I miss them and that I try to fill the space inside with silliness. And then I wrote this post putting it down in words, this is how I walk the talk. And it actually helps. Being honest with myself saying out loud that here right now the addict in me is taking over. Right now my addictive nature wants me to do drugs, any drug possible, like unclogging pipes...! Just do it, fill the hole!!!
Baby girls. I miss you and there's a hole in me bigger than me and it's silhouette looks just like this. And I know that it's only feelings and that feelings pass and that this feeling inside is as big as my love for you. And I know that right now I have an opportunity to sit with it and to heal something even if I don't know what I'm healing. If it hurts it heals and love hurts, that's for sure.💗#sitwithpain #orunclogsomething #healing #babygirls