(CW: body image, self-indulgent whining)
For over a decade my body looked pretty much the same. And I loved my body. And it was easy to love. It looked like bodies I saw in magazines and in movies. Maybe my boobs weren't as big, but I was pretty confident in my body and what it could do for me. I never felt like my body had any limits, like it could do anything I asked it to. And I took thousands of photos of my body over the last 15 years. And I understood it. I knew how to make it work for me, I knew how to move it and hold it and touch it.
For the past two years I have felt extremely disconnected from my body. I gained weight, yeah, but I'm not sure that's all it is. I feel like, I don't know how to be in my body.
I spent 15 years putting my naked body on the internet, and then I stopped. And at the same time, my body became this thing that I was stuck in, but I didn't understand. And I think the two are related. I developed and matured with a constant audience. I discovered my sexuality and my sensuality in public, online, for and with others. And now I barely look in a mirror. I can't stand looking at my body. It doesn't do what I want. It can't move how I ask it to. I feel like no matter how much work I put in, it will never look how I want it to look. And I've never had these thoughts before. And I understand what a damn privilege that is. I really do. But I've spent so long being online, being body positive, telling people to love their bodies, and having people tell me I inspired them to love their bodies--to feel the way I do now feels like a betrayal. Of people's trust and belief in me. Like I've betrayed myself.
I just want to feel the way I used to. When nudity felt natural and strong and vulnerable. When my body was how I connected to the world around me. I feel fucking empty without it. And it's so dumb. Nothing happened to make me feel this way. I just feel useless and ugly and boring.
It's weird because I always wanted to have more confidence in my ideas and my brain than I had in my body. But, Jesus, it's gone the complete opposite way. Zero body confidence and a shit ton of brain confidence. Can't I have both?