shallowsandmiseries shallowsandmiseries

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Flood  Photographing myself and other babes since 2001. Feminist. Socialist. If you don't want to see my butt, don't follow me!

(CW: body image, self-indulgent whining)
For over a decade my body looked pretty much the same. And I loved my body. And it was easy to love. It looked like bodies I saw in magazines and in movies. Maybe my boobs weren't as big, but I was pretty confident in my body and what it could do for me. I never felt like my body had any limits, like it could do anything I asked it to. And I took thousands of photos of my body over the last 15 years. And I understood it. I knew how to make it work for me, I knew how to move it and hold it and touch it.
For the past two years I have felt extremely disconnected from my body. I gained weight, yeah, but I'm not sure that's all it is. I feel like, I don't know how to be in my body.
I spent 15 years putting my naked body on the internet, and then I stopped. And at the same time, my body became this thing that I was stuck in, but I didn't understand. And I think the two are related. I developed and matured with a constant audience. I discovered my sexuality and my sensuality in public, online, for and with others. And now I barely look in a mirror. I can't stand looking at my body. It doesn't do what I want. It can't move how I ask it to. I feel like no matter how much work I put in, it will never look how I want it to look. And I've never had these thoughts before. And I understand what a damn privilege that is. I really do. But I've spent so long being online, being body positive, telling people to love their bodies, and having people tell me I inspired them to love their bodies--to feel the way I do now feels like a betrayal. Of people's trust and belief in me. Like I've betrayed myself.
I just want to feel the way I used to. When nudity felt natural and strong and vulnerable. When my body was how I connected to the world around me. I feel fucking empty without it. And it's so dumb. Nothing happened to make me feel this way. I just feel useless and ugly and boring.
It's weird because I always wanted to have more confidence in my ideas and my brain than I had in my body. But, Jesus, it's gone the complete opposite way. Zero body confidence and a shit ton of brain confidence. Can't I have both?

If you want to see booty, follow my pole dancing account @katarinachampagneflood. (CW: talk of body image, sexuality, exercise)

This picture is from 2013. And with it I wrote, "What up? My tumblr has been lacking in naked pictures of me lately. I didn’t want you to think I’d given up. #nakedontheinternet4ever" I don't want to give up! I want to be naked on the internet 4ever!

"January 11, 2014.

I CARRY REGRET FOR EACH TIME YOU PRESSED YOUR LIPS TO MINE IN THAT WAY YOU DO THAT IS SO NONCHALANT LIKE “THERE’S NOTHING GOOD ON.” I KNOW YOU USED MAGICS ON ME I KNOW YOU CAST SPELLS IN OUR BED I KNOW YOU PUSHED SIGILS INTO MY MOUTH WITH EVERY SHIT KISS. THAT’S WHY MY BODY CAN’T SAY NO TO LETTING YOU IN. BUT I HAVE AN OCEAN OF POWER INSIDE ME THAT IS DEEP AND STILL AND COLD. I WILL BREAK YOU. BREAK YOUR SPELLS WITH A NEW POWER A VAST, SILENT POWER THAT WON’T BE MOVED BY STEEL OR IRON OR EXCUSES OR TEXTED PICTURES OF YOUR COCK." (Lol)

I was so sassy. "February 22, 2014

Sometimes I struggle with wanting to create images that show how much I love my body and how amazing it is and the longing I have to repel men who think I do that for them. I’m not being vulnerable or brave by posting my body on the internet: I’m being a boss. When I spend two hours getting ready, I’m not doing it so some dude will think I’m hot and send me messages that tell me so: I’m showing dudes that I already spent the time I had for them today on something much more satisfying and rewarding."

I have been looking through my old Tumblr posts, seeing what has been flagged. This one was. But I liked what I'd written to go along with the photos. I feel so far away from the person who wrote these words and took this pictures. It was...2014 I think? As much as I miss creating this world for myself, I more honestly apply myself now. "All these pictures were taken on the same day in the same room. Don’t let anyone judge you for your shit.
You be beautiful and ugly and coy and scary
you open your mouth and your legs wide and
you do your make up for you and
you cry about things you can’t control and
you wait 40 minutes for the best burgers in town and you eat it by yourself and
you group sext with all your exes and
you do you.
Fuck everyone who says, “No! You can’t do that.” Because all those people are
wrong.

All these half-assed almosts.

"oh yeah, my girlfriend takes photos in lingerie wearing a lace front wig as a cape."

My hair has faded into this lovely pastel purple and just today I figured out what makes it look good. The day before I go and get it coloured again. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (reposting with one where you can actually see the colour!)

Happy birthday @fayedaniels! This is where and how I always picture you in my head. 💚💙💚

Mustard yellow.

You already know.

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