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Milly Smith 💛🌻☀️👑  🌻BODY/SELF LOVIN BAD ASS MOMMA🌻 ☀️Mental/chronic illness awareness☀️ . #mybadassbody

TW- rape/suicide.
The night I was raped I laid in the bath until the water turned cold.
I scrubbed at my skin so hard and scraped it with my nails so deeply that I bled into the water, turning it pink and murky.
I dunked my head under the cold water to try and silence my thoughts, the screaming horrific thoughts that wouldn't quit.

I sat in the bath for 6 hours. I remember it being exactly six hours. I pulled the plug hoping that the shame and disgust would go down the drain with the water. It didn't.

When the water had fully drained it was silent. I remember the sound of my own breath and heartbeat being unbearable. I stared at my body, my skin; It no longer felt like mine, I felt estranged from it, repulsed by it.
My mind got the best of me and I started slashing at it with my razor, clawing and cutting at my skin hoping to find some relief, some kind of anything.

It was from there that my hatred of my body stuck and the hatred of my mind for playing memories that made me sick and hollow. I never knew how to cope and from there self sabotage set in and has been that way ever since.

I've tried to destroy myself from the inside out many times, attempts to take my life, anorexia, binge eating, staying in abusive relationships, never ever putting myself first.
I've realised that today im not as okay as I thought I was.
I never realised how much of my life is still affected by these memories, that night.
I have realised that I need help, I am not okay and I need help.
I'm not weak, I'm not horrible, I just need help.
If you need help, you're not alone. You're worthy of that help. Get it, it's not shameful. You deserve it.

I have the best news 😭
After some blood work has been completed I will finally be in the operating theatre to give me answers and ways forward.
Years of pain and I might have answers.
Night after night in hospital beds and I might get relief.
Confusion, agony and self hate and I might find comfort.
Keep pushing with medical professionals.
Listen to your body.
Don't take no for an answer when you know something is wrong.
You deserve a pain free life where possible.
You deserve as much freedom as possible.
I honestly can't say how happy I am about this
Ps I don't want medical advice or to discuss the treatment/procedure 😊 Fanx

To my darling Eli.
(My fave pic of him with @positivitypoppa )
Im not quite sure what I did to deserve you.
Thank you for coming into my life and turning it on it's head.
Thank you for being strong, through illness and Momma being in low moods.
Thank you for showing me endless smiles and happiness with hugs and kisses.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for allowing me to grow and learn with you.
The sun wouldn't shine the same without you.
The sweetest smells would be foul.
You're my air, my breath, my soul and my heart.
I fight everyday for you and I fight through a million more.
My best friend, I love you.

Sometimes smiling is more than I can stand.
Sometimes crying doesn't cleanse my soul.
Sometimes pain is relentless and cruel.
Sometimes my mind hates me and tortures me.
Sometimes I can't find the light.

Other times smiling comes easy and often.
Sometimes a soft cry cleanses my soul and pushes me on.
Sometimes pain takes a back seat and doesn't get an invite.
Sometimes light surrounds me.

Bad days may seem endless and permanent.
The good days may seem few and far but they will always come, it doesn't rain forever... it won't pour for the rest of your life.
The sun will rise, the sun will strengthen and feed you, look, wait and dance in those rays.
It's okay, it's okay not to be okay, you're never alone, you're always worthy of life, love and happiness.
The world needs you.

(@bloodynorapam < get yours here and follow this absolutely gorgeous family.. seriously)
❌Stop hating your cellulite.
✅Start loving your heart.
❌Stop hating your stretch marks.
✅Start loving your soul.
❌Stop hating your tummy.
✅Start loving your smile.
❌Stop hating your scars.
✅Start loving your journey.
❌Stop hating your mistakes.
✅Start loving your future.
Hate of any kind has no place in our lives, our souls or our hearts.
Eliminate hate.
Spread love.

Sat in hospital so used my time wisely looking for inspiring babes.💜
#Repost @thefriendineverwanted ・・・
7.15.2017 | Crazy HUGE #recoverywin today!!! 🏅🤗 You all remember the bathing suit I bought last month? Well today I finally found a pool party to wear it to!
I packed it this morning pretending I would wear it but knowing very well I wouldn't. But when I got there the kids there were bugging me to go swimming. And it was 105 degrees so I did really want to swim! 😓 So I changed and sat on the edge of the pool wearing my swim suit with clothes over it, watching everyone else having fun as I sat there. They kept bugging me to get in. So finally I said "Fuck you" to my ED voice and took off my tshirt and shorts and dove in 😳 And you know what? It was the most fun I've had in a pool in YEARS! We all swam and splashed and laughed for over an hour ☺️ It was amazing! I'm so happy right now 😁 It took me back to being a kid and just having fun in a pool. I was overly cautious about my boobs popping out 😂 but I didn't let that stop me from having fun 🤗
Today was something I would not have been able to do without recovery from my eating disorder 💕 6 months ago I wouldn't have even changed into my bathing suit. Let alone a 2 piece showing my stomach in front of a group of strangers 😳 I would have acted like I didn't want to swim at all even as it was over 100 degrees. I would not have laughed or smiled. I would have been frozen by fear and anxiety and disgust of my body. But not today 🙃
We are all so capable and worthy of happiness and smiles. We are capable of that "Fuck You" to the voices in our heads 🖕🏾If I can do it, you can too 💕

What a beautiful queen ❤️
#Repost @sophiemayanne ・・・
#behindthescars Isabella "In the summer of '15 I was in a house fire. My clothes and way of life up in flames. I spent my summer in a burns unit on Fulham Road. My scars and scar tissue continue to change, but I have never felt more beautiful." @fauxnandes photographed in London, UK.

Endo flare up kicking my ass so a trip to the hospital was necessary for strong pain relief.
@bloodynorapam 'S 'Too Tired' T-shirt couldn't be more perfect for the current mood ha!✅
(Go check them out, they're bomb)
Chronic illness/pain is a huge source of stress/desperation for me at the moment.
It's exhausting.
Physically and mentally exhausting and draining, I can't even put into words how tired I am- I'm fatigued beyond belief.
I think its often overlooked just how much chronic illness affects...
❌I can't go on a weekend away without fear.
❌I can't get out of bed in the morning without immense fatigue.
❌I can't leave the house without a huge bag of pills.
❌I can't live without fear/pain.
❌I can't always look after eli.
❌I can't always attend uni/placement.
✅I CAN strive, fight and push.
✅I CAN accept help and love.
✅I CAN stop blaming myself.
✅I CAN keep a smile on my face and appreciate every waking second.
✅I CAN live.
Here's to my chronically I'll babes, we are strong, valid and BAD ASS. ❤️

I used to think my posed body made me more...
Worthy of love.
Worthy of happiness.
Worthy of a good life.
Worthy of friends.
Worthy of self love.
I hoped and wished for my body to look forever 'posed' my glorious stomach sucked in, my boobs forever perky, my back forever arched, booty forever popping.
I've slowly come to acknowledge that HEY my body is damn beautiful at all angles, unflexed, unposed, unfiltered, just raw and natural me is enough and JUST AS WORTHY!!!
We get an 'idealistic' image of what we 'should' look like forced onto us daily.
Images of slim, white, 'healthy', able bodied, toned, blemish/scar free etc etc etc and we desire and wish to look that way because... well, why?!?
You are perfect.
You're perfect if you never looked toned.
You are perfect if your body doesn't change in different angles.
You're perfect if it does.
Your perfect regardless of ANY aesthetic differences...
You're just BOMB AF and NOONE can change that!
Jeez for those speculating my tattoo is diff because I was facing the other damn way so I flipped the pic... Lordy! ITS A MIRRORED PHOTO LOOK AT THE TEXT ON THE TOP

All my skin-picking peeps where you at?
HELLO, you're not alone.
I pick my skin when I'm anxious.
I pick at my hair when I'm depressed.
I pick at my chest when overwhelmed
I have scars on my face as chest... I try and dig out moles, I tweeze hairs... it's a painful and distressing habit that my body uses as a way to cope with what I'm feeling.
(I also pick at @positivitypoppa... sorry)
Whatever you're doing to hell yourself through isn't weird or shameful... I want to try and stop picking and I'm looking for alternatives to help but right now I will bear no shame in my skin picking.
Just like a soft cry helps others.
A pick helps me.

When was the last time you were FEEELING YO SELF?
Like really just LOVING and embracing who you are?
If you even have to think about it then it's too damn long. Its too much of a damn waste to not appreciate and embrace your glorious body every second!
I know I know... it's not always possible to see past the demons but know that every waking second there is a Sassy beautiful queen inside of you begging to be let out and embraced!!!

If hating yourself was at all beneficial it would have helped by now.
Try loving yourself instead.

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