The night I was raped I laid in the bath until the water turned cold.
I scrubbed at my skin so hard and scraped it with my nails so deeply that I bled into the water, turning it pink and murky.
I dunked my head under the cold water to try and silence my thoughts, the screaming horrific thoughts that wouldn't quit.
I sat in the bath for 6 hours. I remember it being exactly six hours. I pulled the plug hoping that the shame and disgust would go down the drain with the water. It didn't.
When the water had fully drained it was silent. I remember the sound of my own breath and heartbeat being unbearable. I stared at my body, my skin; It no longer felt like mine, I felt estranged from it, repulsed by it.
My mind got the best of me and I started slashing at it with my razor, clawing and cutting at my skin hoping to find some relief, some kind of anything.
It was from there that my hatred of my body stuck and the hatred of my mind for playing memories that made me sick and hollow. I never knew how to cope and from there self sabotage set in and has been that way ever since.
I've tried to destroy myself from the inside out many times, attempts to take my life, anorexia, binge eating, staying in abusive relationships, never ever putting myself first.
I've realised that today im not as okay as I thought I was.
I never realised how much of my life is still affected by these memories, that night.
I have realised that I need help, I am not okay and I need help.
I'm not weak, I'm not horrible, I just need help.
If you need help, you're not alone. You're worthy of that help. Get it, it's not shameful. You deserve it.