It’s been three years, Elijah.
Amongst the blissful happy feelings on the day you were born I am ashamed to say I felt a pang of sadness.
I looked down at your innocent and perfect face and I knew there and then that I would never be able to shelter you from the world or protect you from the pain and heartbreak that you will inevitably feel.
You were there looking at me wanting comfort, love and nourishing and I knew that some day far too soon you will seek that comfort and love from somewhere else and I felt jealous, protective and afraid. Afraid for you to ever leave my arms.
You’d barely been in the world for longer than an hour when I cried. I wept. I remember an overwhelming feeling of sadness as I thought of your first loss, your first true heartfelt sob or the first time you’d feel anger towards me.
I felt like I would disappoint you, fail you, not be the mother you so very deserve.
Every doubt i had came rushing out and i felt myself slipping, I felt panic, dissociation and fear. I was hyper ventilating and shaking when you let out a little cry from your hospital cot and I stopped still, I walked to you and embraced you and in that moment you were the first person ever to pull me out of a spiral with just your presence and your voice. The first person to calm me in the midst of a storm. -
I knew in that perfect moment you and I were going to be ok. I knew in that second that you, Little Bear were going to give me purpose that I could only have dreamt of before. I knew from that day forward I not only became a Mother but I gained a friend, a soul mate, a piece of me I never knew was missing.
I may get sad, inconsolable with grief and I may not be the picture perfect mother but my sweet angel I will love you like no other, I will hold you like no one ever can and you will always be my lighthouse, you will always guide me home and I will fight everyday until the end for you.
You will grace lives in ways you might never understand. You are a gift to this world and anyone who thinks otherwise does not deserve you.
Happy third birthday, Elijah Edward.