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Alaina  22 • Michigan Mental Health Awareness ED Recovery & Self Love Isaiah 41:10 personal @alainablackwell 💌

I choose recovery because I can do things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I chose my eating disorder.
One of those things is eating a bomb brunch with my boyfriend on a rainy Saturday afternoon. ❤️
Choose recovery, even if it’s the hardest thing you have to do.

Body dysmorphia sucks.
It’s also really hard to explain to people who have never struggled with it.
I don’t know how I actually look to other people but I worry about my appearance constantly.
Like, I see myself much bigger than I am.
It’s frustrating.
Not entirely the same, but yesterday I went shopping and grabbed a bigger size than I usually wear because I “feel” as if I have gained 15 pounds.
Everything I tried on was too big and I haven’t gained 15 pounds.
Even if I did size up, gained weight, or whatever…Who cares?
I’m going to talk more about weight gain in another post though because I have made A LOT of realizations lately.
Moral of the story is what the first sentence says – body dysmorphia sucks. The end. Carry on.

I told myself multiple times today that I wasn’t good enough.
I told myself that I wasn’t pretty enough, thin enough, or smart enough.
I continuously tried convincing myself to skip meals today.
I didn’t think I would even make it through the work day without breaking down.
But, I did make it through.
And guess what?
I am enough.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am a daughter of the King.
I may not know what my plan is but I know that there is a plan.
I’m not weak for having emotions and uncertainties.
Today started out with me feeling defeated but I pushed through work, came home and took a bath, listened to worship music, and spent time reading the Bible.
He is with me, at all times, even when I feel alone. God’s presence is powerful and constant.
I may not be 100% or even 70% right now but I am confident that I will be okay.

There’s something so freeing about actually eating with your coworkers when they want to grab lunch.
The past month I have ordered food with my coworkers twice.
That may not seem like a big deal but even after years of recovery, the thought of 1. Ordering out for lunch and 2. Eating around people terrified me.
I NEVER allowed myself to join in on things like this.
It became normal for me to immediately say “no” without a second thought when someone asked me if I wanted to grab lunch.
Now, I allow myself to think about it and decide if I do want to order out.
Food freedom is fun.

Pretty sure any weight I gain goes straight to the booty? #recovery

You know what’s super cool?
Having a good relationship with the gym, food, and your body.
Does the thought of that sound impossible to you right now?
It used to sound impossible to me too.
You know, all or nothing.
You either kill yourself in the gym or not go at all.
You either starve or binge.
You love your reflection or hate it.
Extremes are all we start to know.
It doesn’t have to be that way and you can overcome ALL of those things, I promise you.
This week I’ve gone to the gym 3 times after not going at all for a loooong time but I went because I wanted to and not because I have to.
Today I was on the way to the gym and was like “okay, stay there for like 1 1/2 hours” 😅 and after 30 minutes I’m like okay I’m good bye.
Before I would’ve totally beat myself up about it and felt terrible for the rest of the day but recovery has taught me that 30 minutes is better than 0 minutes so I should focus on that.
I feel gooooood.

A few weeks ago I went to Detroit with my parents and boyfriend to celebrate my mother’s birthday.
One of my favorite places to spend time, shop, and eat is Dearborn. (Mostly because I’m Lebanese and Lebanese food is the best 🇱🇧)
When I was at the worst with my eating disorder, I remember going to Dearborn about once a month and using it as my “cheat” day.
Like, I literally would plan these days for the purpose of eating everything in sight.
By that I mean, I starved myself for weeks and then would go to Dearborn and eat upwards of 8,000 calories a day until I was absolutely sick to the point where I felt like my stomach was going to explode.
Then I would go to sleep, wake up, and start the cycle back over by restricting.
I was miserable – if you swipe all the way you can see a picture of me from one of those trips.
Now, I look forward to going, eating good food, exploring, and spending time with the people are around me.
It has taken a lot of time for me to get to where I am with food and eating – it did NOT happen overnight.
I started recovery in November 2014. Between then and now there have been tons of tears, relapses, and breakthroughs.
I’m not perfect with eating though, at all. No one is.
I still overeat or emotionally eat sometimes. Rarely I will binge, but I know my triggers. For me, loneliness is my biggest trigger.
Recovery isn’t the same for everyone, which I have definitely come to realize.
I’m thankful that I am able to visit Detroit freely and truly enjoy my time there.
Recovery is the best thing ever. 🙌

Guys, my life is so busy that I have to write down in my daily planner reminders to wash my hair.
but I love everything happening in my life so it’s 100% worth it and I just hope that no one notices my greasy hair 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hanging out in front of my dirty mirror in my favorite one piece because I’m REALLY over winter and enjoy turning the heat in my apartment up to 76 and pretending it’s summer.
How are you feeling about yourself tonight?
Are you worrying about warmer weather?
It’s going to be okay.
Your body is incredible how it is right now.
You’re more than the number on the scale, your stretch marks are beautiful, and you are allowed to wear whatever makes you comfortable AND confident.
Remember that a beach day can mean a bikini, one piece, shirts and a t shirt, a dress, or whatever you want.
I think it’s important to recognize that there’s not one way to be.
If you had a bad day, give yourself a break and do something you enjoy. Take care of yourself. Watch Netflix, put a face mask on, dance around in a robe.
You’re a warrior, honey.

Craving real food after this past weekend but haven’t gone grocery shopping SO zucchini, broccoli, and peppers with eggs and salsa it is.
No restriction.
No “back on track”.
Just back to routine.

Feeling better in my natural, makeup-less skin more and more every single day.
Every time I scroll through Instagram, I see people with flawless skin, perfect hair, and the cutest outfits.
I find myself feeling extremely self-conscious and wondering why I don’t look like they do.
I automatically assume that people always walk around looking like they have everything together and that they’re wearing makeup 24/7.
Realistically, this is not the case.
People don’t always look like their photos. Sure, some people have flawless skin, bomb natural eyebrows, and gorgeous hair but there’s usually a difference from what someone posts on social media to how someone looks when they first wake up.
I wear makeup. A lot of makeup.
Why? Well, because I truly love it.
I love putting time and effort into how I look. For me, it’s a form of self-love.
It makes me feel good and it honestly relieves stress for me.
It’s time for myself, which is extremely important to have.
It is extremely easy to post the picture on the left. Full face of make up and a nice filter. It’s not as easy to post of embrace my natural, raw face but I’m getting more and more comfortable with it lately.
Last week I had a conversation with a good friend of mine about how we both struggle with going out in public without at least foundation on. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable AT ALL being around anyone without makeup on, even just hanging out at home all day.
Well, literally 2 days after that conversation, I was in the car with my boyfriend on the way to Minneapolis and was wearing zero makeup and my hair was up in a messy bun.
Sure, I didn’t feel my best or prettiest but I did feel good knowing that I had the courage to do the thing that makes me the more uncomfortable than anything else.

Thankful for this human.
He makes me smile and feel so good about myself.
Seriously, swipe to see an actual representation of how much I laughed during our mini vacation this weekend.
goodnight. 💤

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