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Alaina  22 • Michigan Mental Health Awareness Self Love • ED Recovery Isaiah 41:10 💌 👻Snapchat: xolaina

I never thought that I'd have a healthy relationship with the gym.
Two years ago I was killing myself in the gym
I was terrified of rest days.
But then something clicked and I realized that I wasn't living my life the way I needed to.
I stopped going to the gym and started resting.
I stopped going to the gym and starting eating much more.
I stopped going to the gym and quit tracking macros.
I did this for basically two years but I did have times where I went to the gym or cycled on outdoor bike trails.
During those two years I:
Gained freedom from food fears.
Gained my period back after three years of not having one.
Went out to dinner several times.
Spent time with family and friends.
Didn't obsess over how I looked or how much I weighed.
Found myself.
Found my happiness.
Learned to live life.
It wasn't easy.
Yes, I gained weight but that doesn't matter compared to everything else I've gained.
I am so happy and I'm ready for GAINS.
Give me all the muscle.
Ready to do ALL the deadlifts and squats 🙌

Someone posted on my Sarahah that I don't encourage healthy eating and all I have to say is I encourage balance I just don't post everything that I usually eat.
Ice cream is prettier than salads.
The end.
What is healthy?
Just wondering.

But tbh my diet is super "clean" whatever that means.
Okay bye. 👋

Super scary update post coming your way 😳

Okay, this is something I've been meaning to post for quite sometime now and I'm finally ready.
I don't know how to put it into words so I'm just going to say it:
I have downloaded MyFitnessPal and will be starting a cut.
Now, I know 100% that many will disagree with me doing this, but please hear me out.
This is my journey and I am to the point mentally where I trust myself with this. This is not necessarily about weight loss but more about the fact that I have not been taking care of my body properly lately.
Yes, I believe in intuitive eating but I know myself better than anyone and intuitive eating just isn't what I need right now.
I need more structure right now and I have goals.
I have a wedding next year and I have physical goals in mind for that day.
Again, why does looking a certain way matter?
You're right, but my wedding day is a day I have pictured for forever. I WANT to slay in my dress tbh.
It's a day that I'm going to remember forever.
With all that being said, I am going to truly focus on how I'm feeling mentally and emotionally. If this blows up in my face I am going to be honest with myself and you guys.
I promise to keep myself in check and do what I need to do to keep myself sane and in a good state of mind.
To be honest, I miss crushing it in the gym and lifting almost twice my weight. I miss having the motivation that I used to have.
PLEASE try to leave the hate to yourself. I understand the concerns that will come up but please know that this is not a spontaneous decision and required much thought.
I will NOT be weighing myself and if I do it will be very rare. My biggest problem is the scale and I recognize that so I will not be adding that into my lifestyle.
Please feel free to ask any questions.

The past three days were incredible. I was away at a work event and cannot even explain how amazing it was.
Situations that would once cause anxiety and panic attacks did cause any stress at all.
New people, spontaneous foods, riding in Ubers alone.
I ate pizza at 11pm two nights in a row and I engaged in conversations with people from all over. I didn't look at my phone most of the day. I separated myself from social media and focused on what I was doing. I made new friends. I laughed. I stayed up all night. I let my guard down.
There are a few things on my mind right now:
1. Recovery is amazing.
2. I have the best job in the world that has brought me out of my shell and taught me to B myself.

I'm so, so thankful.
I could cry with how thankful I am.

If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I'm sure you can guess mine 😏🍦

Went to grab coffee with the boy and right when he got to the register he said "Can we get two cookies?"
At first I was like NO COOKIE FOR ME and then I'm like yes, give me the biggest chocolate chip cookie you have. 🍪

My name is Alaina and I struggle with mental disorders but let's talk about how I'm #morethanmydisorder
I want to know about YOU. Your passions. Your hobbies. Who you are.

To start it off, here are 10 random facts about me:
1. I'm extremely shy and introverted when I first meet people but once I get comfortable I do not stop talking.
2. I've always been the funny one in my friend group (or maybe I just think I'm funny?)
3. I'm half Lebanese which is something I'm extremely proud of 🇱🇧
4. I was homeschooled for most of high school and had like two friends.
5. I'm a Christian! I was saved 4 years ago and baptized on Easter 3 years ago!
6. I'm super excited to get married next year and then all I want is BABIES 👶 (lol poor fiancé)
7. I'm happiest when I'm traveling and exploring new places. I looove road trips and vacations more than anything.
8. I was never that into sports in school but I loved band and played the clarinet.
9. I have a spending problem. I legit cannot trust myself at Marshalls, TJ Maxx, or Homegoods. The three of them kill my wallet.
10. I have little scars on my forehead from having super bad chickenpox when I was a kiddo. My dad used to call me crater because my face was holey like the moon??
11. BONUS - My arm is wrapped because I got a tattoo two hours ago 🙈
12. OKAY ONE MORE - I really want you meet all of you 😭

TELL ME ABOUT YOU. Like, who you really are. This isn't about your disorder because that does not define you. That doesn't tell me who you are. #morethanmydisorder

Yesterday I ate lunch with my coworkers for the first time ever.
To clarify, I usually bring my lunch to work everyday but yesterday my department decided to do a Pho day.
I ACTUALLY PARTICIPATED and was VERY happy (also because pho is my favorite food)
Three things that usually make me uncomfortable:
1. Eating out.
2. Eating big lunches.
3. Eating around people.
Guess what? I did all three.
Another recovery win, friends. ❤
I'm proud.
Do something that makes you uncomfortable today.
You will not be comfortable with it until you continue to challenge it.

Tonight I got home from work, exhausted and dealing with a migraine. Donnie (fiancé) asked me to go grab food with him real quick. Though I wanted to go right to sleep, had no appetite, and had already eaten out today, I said yes.

On the way home he said "Thanks for going out with me. Remember when I used to have to beg you to eat?"
It really hit me in the feels.

This man is the first person I ever told about my eating disorder.
This man was next to me at my heaviest weight, lowest weight, and now.
This man has watched me cry while eating breakfast because I didn't want to eat it.
He has talked me through panic attacks.
He ate several pints of ice cream with me during my first couple months of recovery even though he hates ice cream.
He hasn't given up on me.
He makes sure I eat.
He calls me beautiful when I feel everything but.
He is my rock. He has never left my side, even when I told him he's stupid for putting up with me.

I realize not everyone is as lucky as I am to have this support. I'm forever grateful. I can't wait to call this man my husband ❤

When you accidentally sync your Facebook so suddenly all of these real life people are following you?
Hi hometown people 👋

Let's talk body image, shall we?
At the beginning of 2016 I was leaner and weighed less. I was also very unhappy and remember taking the photo on the left and thinking about how I hated my body and wanted to lose weight. I was so full of negativity towards myself. This was also over a year into my recovery and I was still very far away from being recovered.
It wasn't until I truly allowed myself to just be.
I stopped the worrying. I started living for myself and not for my eating disorder. I realized that starving myself was not the answer.
I now know that it's okay to not always have control. It's okay to have balance and to live an overall flexible lifestyle.

I have SUCH a healthier mindset now and I am so happy.
I struggle still and not everyday is easy but I acknowledge these feelings.

With all of this being said, I have goals. I truly believe I'm in a good space to begin focusing on these goals and I think it's okay. I do not think weight loss should be totally frowned upon just like weight gain should not be frowned upon.
I can speak more on this topic but I understand it's extremely controversial.
LONG STORY SHORT IS weight does not define happiness.

2 1/2 years ago I started recovery and one of my goals was to be able to eat with everyone and to go out to eat without freaking out.
2 1/2 years later here I am, doing just that.
It's possible.
I promise.
Food is fuel. Food is fun. Food is enjoyable. Food is delicious.

Also, this was a gyro bowl from a Greek chipotle style restaurant and those fries were delicious. 🥙

Today I tried my wedding dress on for the first time in months.
It fit almost perfectly but was just a little snug,
it's okay though.
The dress is beautiful and my wedding is 10 months away.
Yes, I plan on losing weight for my wedding but that's a post for another time. (If y'all are interested in my personal thoughts and goals let me know)
I didn't beat myself up. I just shrugged it off, reminded myself of the time that I have between now and then, and grabbed dinner and ice cream.
Be kind to yourself.
Do not practice extremes.
Practice balance.
I'm thankful that I can afford the dress I want.
I'm thankful that I had my mother and two incredible friends there with me.
I'm thankful for the man I'm marrying.
Focus on the positive.

Also, when you're in Ann Arbor you obviously have to get Ben & Jerry's because it's the only scoop shop around (bonus points if you get it in a dipped cone)

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