Here's to realising who I am. My heart got Bieber slapped tonight. From his first appearance in a glass box writing messages to the outside world, to his humble, raw performance of Purpose, Justin's ongoing theme of being okay with falling short but still working so hard to live for something so much more left me with shivers up my spine and an almost silent drive home as I tried to process how much I needed his concert tonight.
It's weird to say, but I got it. It's 1% of the world he lives in but I get what it's like have a charisma and influence that you don't know how to use or even understand. I got that feeling of flying high achieving people's expectations of who you are, then being crushed under the weight of falling miserably short of what everyone wanted from you. Sometimes in that moment the very people you most needed to back you up, hold you up, stand you up run... and never return. I've felt life living inside a glass box with everyone expecting you to be something, for a while it's great, then you fall short.
Worst of all though is letting down the people that really matter - the ones that fight for you when you've got nothing to fight with. The ones who forgave you when you fell into the pit and truly hurt them. The ones who stood by you even when everyone else told them to run from you.
So I'll admit it, I'm still discovering who I am and what the gifts I have are for. I know I wasn't ready for the responsibility and political complexity of some of my previous roles. I need solid people calling me to the standard I set for myself all the time. I need to get better at saying no and not feeling guilty for not being able to be who people need me to be. I need to get better at being wise about my friendship circle, my previous role showed me I can get too easily swayed. I need to love and appreciate those friends who keep showing up even when I disappear.
All I can ask from the many people that have been hurt is to please give me grace and realise without the experiences I've lived and the gifts that I have you can't imagine what it's been like.
I'm ready now to drop the crap and live for the purpose I know I was designed for.