This post & this caption are for me. Unedited thoughts. A public journal entry basically. I feel relief (for lack of a better word) in sharing the vulnerable and not always happy parts of my life. Even if it’s to a social media audience. Maybe if someone is dealing with any of the same feelings or experiences as I am, I can be here to help them thru it or to lend an ear. And even if that’s not the case, just typing this out has already helped me come out of my panic attack. •
• I have so many thoughts racing through my head constantly. Even more so the last couple weeks. I’m not going to school this semester, I’m not 100% sure what I’m doing. I’m not sure if I’m living the best version of my life I can live. I’ve been questioning so many things and having so many thoughts for only a split second. For someone who’s so good at helping others sit with and understand their emotions, I suck at doing it myself. From experiencing so much negative at such a young age and for such a long time, my brain instinctively helps me not dwell on my emotions as a defense mechanism. For those that don’t know, my dad took his own life in 2013. I still have two voicemail messages saved on my phone from him from that year. Something made me feel the need to listen to them tonight. I can’t sleep, I can’t stop crying. And I’m sitting with this flood of emotions. This sadness for missing my dad, this hurt for him leaving, this uncertainty that I’m being my authentic self and living my life with the right people, places, experiences, focus, etc. I feel lost and anxious and such an intense sadness. But I know everything happens for a reason. I know I need everything’s that’s happened and will happen in order to find my authentic self. To live a fulfilled, loving, happy life.