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rivernaiad rivernaiad

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  AudraAuclair✦FullTimeArtist WaterWitch✦CatMom✦YouTuber...🌸🌿 MainAccount//@AudraAuclair NO.DMs

http://www.youtube.com/audraauclair

(cont'd) In conclusion, I'm not sure what's ahead. I might be moving again, I will be doing inktober but idk if I'll be recording it or not cuz I don't know if I can handle the pressure. The comic is delayed for now while I figure out what I'm doing with my life. I'll be honest the reason I had my anxiety attack is because of Patreon. I am constantly afraid I am letting people down or that I am not stable enough or consistent enough. After switching the Patreon over to be about the comic, getting Lopi to close down his Patreon to join mine, and promoting it...I had realized that it was a horrible decision. I realized I can't mentally handle it. I didn't know what to tell people (I still don't). Nothing feels worse than letting people down and I feel like I've let down my biggest supporters AND the most important person in my life. That combined with the decision to move into this overpriced place, and many other bad decisions I've made lately was the perfect storm for a very self destructive me. The usually thoughts of death and negativity surfaced, I convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me and all that nonsense. I want to make everyone happy, always have, not so sure if I've been all that good at it but I've always tried. And that's what I'll continue doing. For now I am going to focus on getting better. That's where I am right now, I'm trying to not feel bad about how fickle my mind is. I'm hoping if I fix myself I will be much more capable of making content for everyone. That's my goal. 💖💕

(cont'd) I've finally decided to see a therapist, I am highly critical as I don't really trust any form of doctor to do their job well. I'm on my second session, after the anxiety attack I was scared and had to seek some sort of external help. I couldn't breathe and was hyperventilating, my body became uncontrollable, I usually just feel pressure in my chest but it's not as immediate and frightening. It's the body pumping everything into your heart and lungs, telling you to run. The best thing to do is apparently to do jumping jacks... Idk why I didn't think of that while on the floor having a breakdown. After a lot of reflection and self studying I've found that I need these things:
1. To become more independent, to camp alone, travel alone, get over my phobia of driving.
2. Family, friends, and boyfriend can't have a full time job helping me with my career.
3. I need to have side work like commissions. Working on my art alone is too self involved and creates bad thinking habits allowing the ego to grow.
4. I need to force myself to take breaks, to go outside.
5. I need to unload as much baggage as possible. Material things and cost of living must go down.
6. Prioritize paying off debt so I can be free.
7. Spend more time with friends and family.
8. Always have something to look forward to and focus on it. Things like trips or visits with family.
...
I am very lucky and I am happy with everything I've accomplished but right now it is best for me to step back, that's why I've closed the shop, that's why I've been absent for small patches of time, that's why I've not been present on YouTube. I don't have to explain it to everyone but I want to because I want everyone to know what's been going on and I want everyone to know that I'm sorting things out as best as I can. A mind is a very complicated thing, in my case it requires a lot of attention and problem solving. Unfortunately my failures are often viewed by hundreds of thousands of people. At least you are the kindest crowd I could ask for. I know there are a lot of people who are feeling the after effects of what has been going on in the world today and I want you to please seek help if you are struggling.

Last week I had my first anxiety attack. This past year has been the longest I've been in a deep depression. I've tried various forms of self medicating and I've done loads of research. I've struggled with depression since I was 12 but I have usually been able to escape it. This time is different. It started when I accomplished my life goal to go to Japan. I didn't expect to feel so sad after returning, I had looked at my life and saw I had accomplish what I wanted to and I was tired, I was ready for my life to be over because I couldn't think of anything else that I wanted to do as much as go to Japan and succeed in my career. I didn't realize but I subconsciously bought things to try and make myself happy, thus making it worse. I gained back 15lbs, after a while I let it get so bad that I cried every day for a couple weeks, my period stopped coming from anxiety, summer didn't help as it made it difficult to make me want to go outside. I decided I needed to change my workflow...to work on something less self involved, to make a comic with my partner Lopi. It wasn't long after I hyped it up that I had the realization that I need distance from Lopi. Not because I don't love him, because all day almost everyday we work. When we go on dates, we work. When we drive somewhere, we talk about work. I don't have many friends here and my family is far away, so I work. My life has become so unbalanced that even my boyfriend was feeling more like a coworker. There was no escape. I love my art, but no one should be 100% work no matter what they do. With a career such as a fine art career, it is very mental and can breed a lot of self loathing, self examination, comparisons, and social media has the possibility to heighten any negativity with simply reading the news. There's also the fear of putting yourself out there. (Cont. on next post)

Thank you for all of your support yesterday. I've been so afraid but I feel much better now. I think I'm going to be moving soon, again because I think this apartment and it's cost is a huge stress inducing thing for me. It'll be okay, we are making this comic, it's going to be hard as f*ck but at least I'll be growing from it! And in the end I'll have a finished product that I'll be so glad to have finally completed. Also, the picture is some barnacles and the hard/smioth glue stuff they leave behind when they fall off.

It's hard to describe the worry I have right now about the changes that have been happening. I feel like it's a huge gamble to switch to focusing on making the comic. We can only hope for the best, if we fail we will be in a lot of debt but at least debt is something that can be paid off. My intuition is telling me that I need a change in my career at least for a while. So I'll follow a new path until it ends or my intuition tells me to return or lead me down another.

Here's my considerations for Halloween. I'm not as attached to D.va but she's cool, the other three are my favourite characters of all time. I want to actually invest in a good costume this year!

He has officially explored everywhere but the hot water tank closet.

Oil paint through my paper palette. I've been thinking about doing a simple but calming abstract piece for myself to put in my home. I don't think I've ever done abstract but I want it to feel like a pink sunset over the forest and ocean. The cheese is real.

It's too hot to do the things. Haaalp.

Living room in the new place. It's been too hot to keep the blinds open. So far I like it and am inspired by the space. 😊

The time hath come to finish packing, we move tomorrow. Packing/moving is the woooorst!!! I am getting some crazy anxiety over seeing how much stuff we have. I've gotten rid of 5 bags of clothes/blankets and a box of stuff. I want to get rid of more when we move into the new place but it seems that a majority of what I own is for my work. Which makes sense but it still feels like too much. I'll definitely be getting rid of more after the move. #selfie #moving

Loving my dye/cut from @lexicon713 💖💕 She's amaziiing! #audraauclair #hairinspiration #haircolor #haircut #babybangs

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