reynabiddy reynabiddy

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  i love my love. a psalm for us. umi. mother of all ⚡️ Sunday Gems the Podcast on Beats1! link below💛

🙏🏽

does your heart feel any better today? is your capacity to love any larger? what all might it take? anything i can help you set yourself free from? if it makes a difference, i hope you know.. things will get better from here; but only if you want them to. ‘here’ meaning the place you can’t seem to get out of. you shouldn’t sit in your sadness—that’ll only manifest more. you shouldn’t hold on so tight—you might confuse your wants with your needs and forget to let go of all that no longer serves you any good. stop being stubborn, you don’t need it/them anymore. instead of cursing them, thank them for the experience then wish em well. the less karmic debt, the better. give yourself time to recover. maybe it’s best you sit alone for a while. let your thoughts run wild. now learn to still your mind. many things we have no control over, let’s try our best to guide our thoughts toward a happy place. one with more light n less darkness. all of this—as a start. then move accordingly. 💛

tomorrow we’re back! Join me and @kehlani this Sunday for Ep 2 of #SundayGems on @beats1official @AppleMusic.
Listen at 3PM PT / 6PM ET / 11PM GMT.
link in bio to listen. old episodes + playlists always available tooo.

happy baby

trying to see if Umi’s name was Amadeus Mozart in his last life

October 31, 2015.
Our first “official” date 💛

no make up flex.
skin isn’t perfect but i trrrry.

i wanna touch people in a dramatic way. 3 months PP. looking chubbbby. full interview at readpoetry.com 💛

am i even worthy? 😫

when i was pregnant with Umi i went through soo many different emotions. from being extremely excited, to extremely unsupported, then to extremely lonely & sad.. i, eventually, went numb. i couldn’t feel anything. this happened pretty early on so i wasn’t able to enjoy my pregnancy the way i wished, or hoped i could. i tried and tried and tried, but it seemed like the harder i was trying the harder it was becoming. in fact, til this day i’m traumatized at the thought of pregnancy because of how much i went through both physically and emotionally. i had the hardest time connecting. i couldn’t recognize myself. after what i thought was the most ‘spiritual’ year of my life, i was confused at how lost i was. i wasn’t sure what all was happening, i just knew i could not tap in.. no matter how much i tried. i wanted so badly to be able to talk to umi and feel what expecting moms swear they feel, but instead i stayed silent and felt nothing. i tried writing once, when i was about 5 months pregnant and this is all that came out:

i wish i had words right now
lost in every sense
feelings too foreign for me
love growing inside of me
but why don’t i feel love?
do i feel lost enough to search
for the meaning?
i'm not grateful enough.
i'm not vacant enough to let
someone move in while i'm
under construction.
while i'm still a work in progress..
while i'm still needing to
find myself.
while i’m still losing myself to everything else.
will you help me out?
will you run me off course?
when will i gather the courage
to connect with you?
i hope you don't hate me..
i hope you still need me
if i don't show up soon enough
after reading it, i hated it. still kinda do.. i’m just glad i was able to be honest with us. i just wanted to post this really to say.. for any pregnant mamas who feel lost and alone.. your baby is with you every step of the way. praying for you on the inside. hoping you’ll be ready to accept their love. as brutal, as forgiving, as testing as it may come. i hope you know that you are doing the very best that you can do. even if that means crying yourself to sleep all day. thank whichever god you pray to for allowing you the opportunity to feel. and deeply.

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