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Claire | 23 | vegan ๐ŸŒฑ๐Ÿ˜  On a journey to self love and acceptance๐Ÿ’ซ Taking it one day at a time' ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ Revive.me@outlook.com ๐Ÿ’Œ

http://reviveforever.com/recipe/vegan-banana-bread/

This was the last of the banana I had brought back from Madeira topped with madeiran passion fruit, golden kiwi, persimmon and berries ๐Ÿ’ซ. Wishing you all a beautiful day ๐Ÿ’›

Throw it all in a bowl๐Ÿ‘†๐Ÿ‘‰Mini banana, necatrine and two types of passion fruit that I brought back from Madeira, accompanied by mango, blueberries and raspberries. I also took a mango home but unfortunately it had gone bad๐Ÿ˜. I've been slipping back as some of you might of noticed, mentally and physically. I tend to then also withdraw and close up and therefore haven't been so active on here. Trying to get back to a better place in myself again, to find the strength to continue this journey to recovery. It's though, certainly no rainbows and butterfly's, but balancing on the edge is playing with fire. So I remind myself that set backs will happen but I must not let them drag me down to far. Every step is an achievement no matter how big or small and one day all those achievements will add up and become one big one. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It will take as long as it takes. I will get there.. ๐Ÿ’ฅ much love and gratefulness for you, your care and support ๐Ÿ’›

The trip is coming to it's end, flying back tomorrow evening ๐Ÿ›ซ I'm glad to go home but anxious at the same time because I'm not sure if things will be easier or get harder, if I'll feel more at ease or more thrown off and out of balance. The holiday has been real tough on me and I've struggled a lot. Being out of my comfort zone and routines, being stuck with myself,the eating disorder and depression it has been confronting and hard. But as my mom says it has been an over winning to come and to have faced the challenges that each day has brought, she says I've been very brave and she is glad i was here with her even though i feel as if ive ruined her holiday. Eating did not go very well and I felt to depressed to be able to enjoy my time here. I'm disappointed in myself that I 'failed', failed to go in against the eating disorder and depression, failed to enjoy the things around me, failed to just let myself go for a bit. And although the trip was extremely though I hope to be able to bring back something positive, to change routines and habits, to get my mind back to a more positive state so I can continue to make new steps towards recovery. I'm just going to have to take it day by day, step by step. I WILL GET THERE, I CAN DO THIS, I GOT TO.. ๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿ’ฅ Thanks for those of you who stick around even after giving a glimpse into the deeper dark thoughts and struggles. Thank you for your love, your support, for sharing your own expierences and for your encouraging words. You are all amazing I hope you know that. Much love to you ๐Ÿ’›

Fruit platter from when i was home๐Ÿ’ฅ Ive been struggling so much in myself and feeling so depressed, already before the trip but even more since being here and therefore have not been able to enjoy the holiday at all(so far). Its hard really fucking hard. I wish i could detach my head and throw it off a cliff, cause it's to tiring and hard to have to deal with the constant conflict going on inside my head. Getting pulled from side to side. Food, hungry, but not hungry, want to eat, but dont, but do, but cant, but want, but dont want, but not aloud, but should, but cant, but need, but dont deserve, but want, but cant, but should, but not aloud, not deserve, cant, and on and on, and the same for purging I want to, but don't, but should, but have to, but shouldn't, don't want to, but do etc etc. I'm stuck with people 24/7 here so that makes the struggle harder for me because I don't feel comfortable to eat or to buy food, or grab food from the kitchen, or to prepare food, to eat the food, to keep the food down, to purge the food. It's all more difficult. Yes I know it's all stuff I have to battle through, it's part of the recovery process and being out of your comfort zone is confronting and not easy. But I hope it doesn't make things worse, I hope I can push through, I hope things will get easier and not harder.. I want to go home, but I'm also scared too, because ive been scrambled up here and don't know if I'll feel more at ease again at home or that I will feel even worse than I do now. Well I think that's enough of my messed up head for now. I'm not sure if it's wise to share to much in depth on here- I don't think anybody will benefit from my negativity, don't want to drag you down, but do hope to lift others up if I manage to get through this rough patch and can be more positive again. I know I'm not the only one struggling and it's OK to not be OK all the time, it's good to speak up- the good and the bad, you don't have to suffer alone. That's still a hard thing for me. To speak up, share my thoughts, my feelings, my habits/behaviors, to show them what's behind the mask, to accept support, love, help. To all you out there- you are enough ๐Ÿ’›

Today is the day i leave for my Holiday to Madeira. In a little over an hour we will head to the airport as we are flying from Germany so we have a drive to get there. Spent all day cleaning my house yesterday so that its nice and tidy when i get home. At the end of the day i went to my moms place, felt terrible all Evening and slept bad, going away is a big stress factor for me (bc of eating disorder) and all I can do is hope that things will go alright once I'm there, I know there will be down moments I just hope they don't overrule the better ones. I would like to be able to enjoy my time there, at least for the most part, and to not ruin their holiday. See it as an opportunity to try to change some habits/routines though that might be to far fetched and I'm trying to not put to many expectations on myself because that will just set me up to fail. did not manage to eat at all yesterday, but I can't run on tea the whole holiday so I hope I won't have to much difficulty on the trip. Breathe, relax, take it one step at time... ๐Ÿค” Hope you're all well and I wish you a lovely day ahead ๐Ÿ’›

Have a Nice day ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’›

Potassium has dropped back down, to low. Have to give blood again on Friday. Hope I can make sure it doesn't drop further/bring it up at home cause I don't want to have to be put back on an iv in hospital. Espically not now.. Supposed to be going on holiday next week. Which is a stress factor of it's own. Wish you all a good day ๐Ÿ’›

Fruit platter from some time last week ๐Ÿ’ซ weekend did not go so well food wise, hope to do better this week. Got the day off so I will go give blood soon to check if my electro lights are still OK.. Hope they can get the blood out of me this time ๐Ÿ˜œ Wish you a nice day and be well lovely peeps ๐Ÿ’›

Fruit box & smoked tofu snack before getting packed up the other day๐Ÿ’ฅ. Ive been having a hard time mentally, not that that's anything new but it goes up and down.. And when you're in a more down state it makes everything in life harder and darker. Need to keep pushing through till things get easier over time. Have a very long weekend ahead working three days 12-14 hours so Ive packed myself a fruit salad and some smoked tofu again. Now the challenge to make sure i eat it, cause that's been a struggle. ๐Ÿ‘‰'reminder to self' There should be no reason to not allow myself the foods, espically on such long days. Everybody needs food, that includes me, you, the animals, nature and anything else living. Food is not the enemy, food is your fuel. Hope you have a joyful weekend xx ๐Ÿ’›

You matter ๐Ÿ’ซ

Yesterday's fruit platter ๐Ÿ’ซ

Went for a drive with my mom the other day to a small traditional village where we went for a walk and sat on a terras to spend some time away from the job together. On the way back we spotted a cow who had fallen into the water, we searched for a farmer to inform them about the cow, luckily they got him out using a tractor, poor cow was mooing his lungs out๐Ÿฎ I'm sorry for being a bit distant here, I've been feeling drawn back and generally down, just mentally struggling making my walls go up and shutting off and out. Ive not had a very successful week food wise either. Need to try to get my mind back into a more positive state, try to find back some motivation and determination, it's a bumpy road and setbacks will happen but I need to scrape myself together and continue, at least try to, unfortunately it's easier said than done. Hope you who are struggling in some way know you are not alone, hang in there, fight for yourself you are worthy of life, love, inner peace and joy. Wishing everyone a beautiful sunday ๐Ÿ’›

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