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recovery.chii recovery.chii

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-Kara-  💜25 || AN || Restoring ||💜|| hospital<real world🌸

http://ask.fm/karayoni

I vividly remember in one of my relapses, when I was on a wait list to get into inpatient treatment, my mother desperately pleading with me; "why can't you just try to gain a little bit of weight before you get admitted?!" And my response "because if I can gain weight on my own then clearly I'm not actually sick!" Embarrassingly, it's an insecurity that still haunts me now. I know my truth, I know my suffering, and still I let insecurities creep into my mind telling me that I was never actually sick. If I was really sick then I wouldn't have been able to get this far and gain all this weight without intervention. Rationally I know those insecurities are just the disordered part of my brain clinging on and trying to convince me that I need to keep acting on disordered impulses to "prove" to myself and the world that I'm actually sick. I know it's irrational because multiple hospitalizations and all the acknowledgement of my disorder in the world never did a damn thing to get me any closer to real recovery- quite the opposite in fact. So why was I able to get this far and gain the weight this time, on my own? I stopped longing for treatment, I started longing for recovery. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

I am frustrated about dinner tonight. I'm not frustrated because it didn't taste good or because I was missing an ingredient, I'm frustrated because I wanted pho but I let fear get the best of me. I wanted to just be able to go out, get takeout, and enjoy some spicy, soupy goodness while watching the rain. I even went so far as to buy some of the ingredients with the intention of making my own noodle soup as a compromise but ultimately went with a safer choice. I gave myself a million excuses why this meal made more sense (mostly about financials and using up leftovers) but when I really am honest with myself, I know the truth. I want to be better now, but I'm not yet. Snack was a step forward but dinner was just treading water, and I guess sometimes that's just how things go. Patience and persistence. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

The lawyer downstairs offered me chocolate. Normally I would take this home and have it in privacy, at my own speed, at the "right time". Essentially, I would have it at the exact circumstance when it would cause me the very least amount of anxiety possible- when i could squeeze it into the tiny space my eating disorder would allow. It's a tendency that has dominated my recovery; taking on challenges just enough to gain weight and say I did them while still keeping myself tied into disordered compulsions. And it's not normal, and it's not okay. I don't want I life where I technically CAN have chocolate but only if criteria X, Y, and Z are met first- I want a life where I can have chocolate because I'm craving it and because it came free! I want a life where I can have cake because it's a birthday, or a lemonade because it's hot and sunny outside. So today I'm not waiting for the opportune moment, that tiny allotment of space where my eating disorder eases just enough to let me have this, today I'm having the chocolate bar right now. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Weathering the stormy weather with delicious dinner; but really, this weather is just silly. After all the struggles of last week, this week feels a lot better. I feel like I'm chipping away at the residual behaviours holding me back from a full recovery and slowly but surely progressing in the right direction. I feel not only more motivated but more capable too! And all it seemed to take was facing a couple of the fears that had me feeling so hopeless. I reduced my activity level, I had a few days of unbalanced macros, I went out for spontaneous dinner with a friend and I reminded myself that these things I told myself I couldn't do were actually completely within my power. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

(Yes I realize these are not perfect mirror images. I apologize for my ineptitude.) lately I've been receiving, and deleting, plenty of comments trying to micromanage and criticize my recovery. I get told I'm not eating the right things, I'm not gaining fast enough, I'm promoting an unhealthy body, etc. Etc. It's easy to get frustrated but at the same time I completely get it, because I get the urge to want to criticize and micromanage too! I think it speaks to the competitive nature of the illness. We're always comparing our own journeys to others and if they aren't doing something the way we are or if they are in a different place in their recovery it makes us insecure about ourselves. I can't deny that it upsets me to see someone thinner than me posting about how they're gaining "sooo much weight" or someone who is eating a meal that barely qualifies as a snack in my world talk about how unbearably full they are. It's hard. But the struggle is my own. I don't get to decide that they are recovering correctly or incorrectly. I don't get to accuse them of "triggering" their readership. When I see people doing things, posting things, I disagree with or that cause me to feel insecure about myself the only productive reaction is to step back and question why I react that way. Why does seeing someone thinner than me celebrate their "healthier body" make me angry? Because it triggers insecurities that I've already "gone too far" with my own weight restoration! Blaming others for your feelings may make them easier to deal with, but ultimately it is harmful and not particularly productive. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Monday's are always hard and weigh-in always brings a rush of feelings and thoughts. Today was no exception. As I get increasingly close to a healthy range my mind starts getting preoccupied with the "what ifs"; "what if I keep gaining forever?" "What if I can't stop eating like this even after weight restoration?" "What if I get to a healthy weight and STILL feel completely enslaved to disordered rituals?" Its overwhelming and scary and it makes me want to just retreat to the familiarity of being sick. I've never been good at handling uncertainty. But we can't let the "what ifs" control us. The fact is we don't know and we can never know for sure what's going to happen in the future. All we can do is what we know is the best thing for us today and have faith that whatever tomorrow brings, we will have the competency and strength to handle it. There will come a time when I hit that magical healthy range and weight gain stops being an integral part of my journey, but today isn't that day and so today I choose not to worry about it [or to try not to]. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

If you offered me a million dollars to hurt every single person who ever cared about me and give up my chance at having a meaningful relationship ever again, I would turn it down so fast your head would spin. So why was I so willing to do it for the sake of an eating disorder? Sunday thoughts. Important thoughts. Luckily for me relationships can be healed and hurt can be forgiven. I'm endeavouring to do just that with every step in recovery. It doesn't always go perfectly, but I'm working on it. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

I say it a lot because it's true; I love (for the most part) how I nourish my body! I eat whole, hearty, healthy foods with a couple treats thrown in and, whether it's placebo or not, I think I feel better in my body because of it. People like to ask me what they "should" eat to recover but frankly food is such a personal thing; what works for me might not work for you. What makes me feel good might make you feel bad. It's a complex relationship between gut microbes, the food you grew up eating, allergies, etc. Don't judge what you're eating against what's "trendy" in recovery today because trends come and go. Know your truth, know what you enjoy, and ENJOY IT! #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Vegan bibimbap at my favorite restaurant for dinner. I don't even begin to know how to begin estimating the calories or macros of this but I'm sure that they were all wrong, and I really don't care [or I'm thoroughly pretending not to!]. Honestly, what is my life if I can't go out with a friend, laugh my ass off, and enjoy a new meal that I've been wanting to try for ages? Most of the time challenging myself just feels miserable and uncomfortable but tonight it actually felt GOOD! It felt liberating. I ate dinner and I did not die and tomorrow I will wake up and nothing will be different except that I will be one tiny fraction less fearful of going out to eat next time. I'm making changes in my life and I'm leaning in to recovery. I've got so many new strategies swirling around my noggin and enough frustration at the mental chains that still bind me to follow through with them. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Damn that's some not-very-aesthetic looking lunch. Delicious but not entirely beautiful. I think with all this frustration and sadness I've been feeling about life and recovery and my progress lately I've just kind of reached a "well fuck it!" point. Fuck the controls, fuck the counting, fuck the rituals. It's not a life. I've gained weight, I'll continue to gain weight, I've committed to getting a healthy body so why shouldn't I also commit to getting a healthy mind?! What benefit do I get from torturing myself? I don't get the validation of a malnourished body or the concern of strangers any more (yes, it's validating, whether people choose to explicitly acknowledge it or not.) so where is the damn benefit? NOWHERE. There is none. Sorry for the disjointed rambling lately, I'm just angry. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

(Last night's snack, this morning's thoughts). I'm getting ready to go out, mood and motivation still painfully low, and I started getting upset looking at my arms and shoulders in the mirror. They aren't twigs with bones jutting out like they once were. There is flesh there now, and fat and muscle and skin. They don't look frail. They don't scream my suffering to the world. And it's scary. But then I pulled my mind back to reality; these are beautiful arms, healthy arms, arms that help me with the every day things. And most importantly; these are my arms now. This is my reality now. Why spend so much energy being terrified of what my healthy body "means" or how different it looks when I can instead channel that energy into learning to love and accept myself? This is me. I'm starting to look how I'm supposed to look. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Somehow or another I got through this week. It was a hard one. I'm really feeling the physical changes and they're scary but not because I'm scared of getting healthy but rather because I'm scared that I've gained this much while remaining so stuck in my head with rules and rituals. I know those fears aren't rational and I know that physical healing almost necessarily needs to precede mental healing, but it doesn't make the fear any less uncomfortable to sit with. But I am. I'm sitting with it and I'm using it to get angry and keep fighting. It's not enough to just be frustrated with my lack of mental progress, I have to actually do something about it. I have to refuse to be complacent because this life, bound by rituals and rules, is a life I'm not willing to tolerate. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

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