recovery.chii recovery.chii

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-Kara-  💜25 || AN || Restoring ||💜|| hospital<real world🌸

Morning snack after a lovely coffee and wander around wholefoods with the momma bear. My mom has always been the person who I feel the most need for validation of my eating disorder from. When I'm with her I feel a constant, low, disordered mumble in my head, desperately wanting to ask for reassurance that I still look "sick" or that I'm still "thin enough" to justify gaining weight. But I know those questions are exactly that; disordered. I know the objective truths of my weight and where it needs to go, whether I LOOK to thin or not. I think the real meaning underlying that validation seeking is, "please still love me. Please still treat me gently. Please don't forget me." My mom never did anything to make me fear that she would leave me, she has stuck by me in the most difficult of times, but I have been abandoned in OTHER relationships, and I think that is the origin of that fear. I am learning slowly through recovery that I don't need an illness to communicate my pain or to receive compassion. Relationships are reciprocal: when I show care and compassion, I receive it. An eating disorder is the least effective method of forming genuine human connection, in fact, it has the opposite effect. My eating disorder lied to me and promised that the thinner I got, the more people would care but instead it just pushed them away. All the meaningful relationships I have were borne in times, and moments, of wellness. Tldr; put good out, get good in. (Ramble over. Sorry) #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Part of dinner. Not exciting, not aesthetic, and not particularly appetizing, but it's getting the job done. I don't know how this process would be different for someone who wasn't preoccupied with torturous thoughts about what is and isn't "healthy", but I can only assume it would be easier? People who don't know the eating disorder world innocently recommend lots of pudding and ice cream and popsicles without realizing how much more complicated my mind makes it. And that's okay! They don't need to understand, because even I don't understand myself half the time. It's not everyone else's responsibility to "understand" me and adapt around my mental illness, it's my responsibility to understand my illness and adapt around the real world! But it's hard. And because it's hard I've decided to take one more day off of work to relax, recover, and get the nutrition piece even more under control. I'm embarrassed to be taking more time, but I think it's the right thing to do for myself and my recovery. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

When life gives you gum surgery you get froyo! Went to menchies with some of my very most favourite people in the whole wide world to celebrate my one year anniversary of really, truly, genuinely choosing recovery and taking the ACTIONS to make it possible. It was one thing to want to live, and a whole 'nother to actually do the things to make it possible. My life is so much fuller, more meaningful, and beautiful than I ever could have even hoped for a year ago. I am forming an identity with every day and it has nothing to do with being sick OR with being "in recovery"- it is all about who I really am; a goofy, weird, dark humoured, Disney-loving, capable woman. I am becoming me. I am reborn into my true identity. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #menchies #froyo

I have a newfound respect for babies and their tolerance of puréed food. Part of lunch was this concoction of puréed broccoli, cauliflower, spinach and lentil, topped with a dollop of avocado and yogurt and chased down with a strawberry smoothie. This experience is helping me to be creative, if nothing else! #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #magicbullet #soup #pureedfood

Are you all getting as tired of seeing these little owls of mushy food on my ig feed? I know I am! Last night was pretty brutal in terms of the pain, but I've woken feeling a lot better and feeling lots of warm, fuzzy recovery vibes. I think chewing, and functioning more generally, is only going to get better from here on out. I'm getting through this. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

First attempt at something that looks like an actual meal for dinner. Puréed broccoli, cauliflower & avo, congee, sole, and a little more avocado. Not exactly something I would go serving any house guests, but a good transition towards somewhat normal meals. Followed this up with a smoothie (because obvi!) and I'm now left feeling full, slightly restless, and proud of myself. This process is indeed testing me, but I have not broken [just cried a lot..]#eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

I have my whole life to be fit and active, but now is a time for rest and healing. Not just healing my gums, but healing my mind. Healing my wounded relationship with myself. Healing how I relate to the world. Healing. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Still living that smoothie lifestyle for lunch today. I spent the morning relaxing at my parents' RV and trying to feel like myself again, but I really don't [yet]. This is hard. Real hard. And my emotions are roller-coastering up, down and all around. It's exhausting and discouraging, but I'm working through it because it's all I can do. My biggest anxiety now is how I'm going to get back to work on Monday when I feel this mentally and physically exhausted and when nutrition is this hard. I can't exactly whip up a smoothie in the office and most of the foods I can eat aren't particularly portable or office friendly. But on top of those logistic concerns, I just don't feel like I'm going to be effective at work. I'm sore, my heads a mess, I'm not ME. I guess this is what adulthood is about though? Or is it about prioritizing? WHAT IS IT ABOUT?! I DONT EVEN KNOW! #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #smoothie

Soft, breakfasty things. I normally wake up hungry and excited for breakfast but right now things are hard because I'm not quite sure what I can have, what will go down comfortably, what I'll be able to actually taste. I just want to be normal again and have my normal breakfast. It's only been three days, but damnit I miss peanut butter toast! Fun story about the Starbucks drink (which I mixed with carbonated water 😍): mom brought it yesterday and my brain immediately freaked out. "HOW DARE SHE! Doesn't she know how sick I am? Doesn't she care?! I'm anorexic- I can't just spontaneously have a drink like that!" I was scared. I was scared that she had 'forgotten' how messed up I was in my head and how physically compromised I was. She had 'forgotten' I was anorexic. But of course she hadn't, no mother ever could, there was something under that fear. What was it? I think it's the fear of the unknown; who am I without my eating disorder? How will I communicate when I am hurt and sad without it? How will I ask for care and compassion while also being a healthy, independent adult? That drink represented so much more because of my eating disorder but the reality of it is that it was just a drink. It was my mom doing something nice for me. And it was another sign that I'm changing my identity away from the sick girl I've been, towards the person I really am. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Oh man are you guys going to be tired of seeing green smoothies- trust me, I'm already sick of drinking them! (Jk, this stuff is delicious). I thought I would grind up cheerios as a topping but was quickly filled with a sad sense of regret because I was not up to the chewing yet! Let them soak for a while and got it all down okay, because a girl has to do what a girl has to do. Is it strange that I'm actually kind of enjoying this challenge!? Finding foods I can eat and not giving myself any excuses is at least helping me occupy my mind while I'm otherwise "out of commission". #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Yet another super appetizing looking smoothie- this time with a spoon because I actually found it a little easier to get in my mouth that way. I'm not going to lie; today's intake hasn't been even half of what I usually have. Between having to fast before the surgery, discomfort after the surgery and napping most of the afternoon and evening there just wasn't a way I could get it all in. And I think that's okay! I think it's normal, given the circumstances, to have an off day! What isn't normal and isn't okay is the feeling that i need to match this reduced intake tomorrow. Eating less than usual scares me because it floods my mind with thoughts about having "slowed down my metabolism" and needing to "gradually work my calories back up". But one day doesn't slow metabolism and gradually working back up only serves to fuel this disordered, false belief. Tomorrow I will wake up, make myself a soft breakfast, and make sure I nourish my body as I know it needs and deserves. This experience isn't going to shake my recovery, I won't allow it to. It's going to strengthen it. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

"Dinner" because I'm hungry but putting anything in my mouth is the last thing I want to do right now. Today has been coloured with a LOT of rest and self care and I'm actually incredibly proud of it! I'm not a person who lets myself stop; just thinking about a nap sends my disordered thoughts screaming into over drive, but today that's exactly what my body needs and exactly what I'm giving it. After surgery I came home, made a smoothie, and slept off the sedative a bit. Then I relaxed and watched tv. Then I had this and now I'm back in bed. Resting after surgery is one of those little things that is just such a 'non-issue' for most people but for me it is so contrary to all the racing thoughts telling me I need to move and do things and "earn" my food. A year ago I wouldn't have been able to give myself a few days of down time (and I would have suffered the consequences because of it). It's another sign to myself that I'm no longer defined by my eating disorder. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #oralsurgery

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