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recovery.chii recovery.chii

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-Kara-  💜26 || AN || Restoring ||💜|| Stumbling through recovery

[jasmine rice & grilled tempeh] Meal timings seem to have gone right out the window- I don’t know if this is brunch or lunch, a meal or a snack, the same macros as yesterday or completely different. I don’t know. What I DO know is that I was craving white rice fiercely and my brain started screaming about it, so I needed to eat it WITHOUT DELAY before I talked myself out of it. And if eating it without delay, exactly when my body (and rational mind) tell me to means that my normal ‘meal schedule’ ends up looking a little wonky, well, so be it. I’m done with being hungry and relying on external cues to give me ‘permission’ to eat. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #food #tempeh #veganfood

Today when a coworker brought in freshly baked cookie bars I didn’t have to be that person who said no, made an excuse, or lied about having had one. Today I just had the damn cookie bar...and a second one too. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #dessert #cookie #cookies #baking #treat

Nine years ago, seventeen years old, fresh out of ‘day program’ at my local children’s hospital and as close to ‘recovered’ as I’ve ever been. I thought I was fixed. I thought I had things all figured out. But life never quite goes the way we think it will. I’m not sure what I ever thought weight loss would give me, because all my happiest, fullest experiences were also when I was my highest weight. I can’t take back the years I’ve lost to the revolving door of illness and relapse, but I can refuse to give up any more. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

I had my second appointment with my psychiatrist today and worked on some tangible goals and challenges as I move forward. I find it incredibly difficult to be honest in these appointments; I want to get better but at the same time letting my guard down feels so unnatural when the past ten years has been all about protecting my eating disorder. But I know that honesty is the only way forward and without it I’m wasting her time and mine.
In the name of honesty, I’ll also disclose that after 3 1/2 weeks since last “weigh in”, I have gained. Realistically, though it’s a bigger jump than last time, i know it needs to go quicker. Gaining the weight at an excruciatingly slow pace is just going to prolong the inevitable and keep me locked in an unhealthy place. It feels “comfortable” in the moment, but leads to a very uncomfortably empty life. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #weightgain #progress #weigtrestoration

[mini eggs for a mini snack!] I was feeling lucky so I went to buy a lottery ticket this afternoon [which I did not win]. The real luck though? The clerk gave me three bags of Halloween themed mini-eggs FOR FREE because “we gotta make room for the Easter ones”. Sometimes fate just smiles. Deliciously. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #miniegg #snack #yummy #chocolate #peanutbutter

New foods are hard. Unknowns are hard. As scared as I am by calories, they’re actually the least of my disordered worries right now. Right now my mind screams loudest about sameness and macros; what are my macros and are they the same as yesterday? Am I perfectly balanced? Are my fats coming from the ‘right’ sources? So many rules- and so many contradictions. So rather than having one of my usual, easily calculated lunches, I tried something new. I used last night’s leftovers (the tiny bit left after I THOUGHT I had made enough for three nights!), tortillas taken from my parents’ place (so I didn’t pick them myself or have a chance to deliberate the ‘best’ tortillas in the store) and my lonely half-of-an-avocado going brown in the fridge and made myself proper fajitas. Nothing measured, weighed, or calculated, but all enough to satisfy me and meet my meal plan (once dessert was added, of course.) and somehow, though I thought I would be consumed by guilt and uncertainty, I feel so much stronger and more motivated than when I have my safe foods. It’s energizing. It’s surprising [kind of]. And it’s a sign that I’m not doomed - I never was. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #food #mexicanfood #fajitas #lunch

[eggs&cous, because sometimes lunch has to be the brightest part of the work day] I’ve been rapid cycling between feeling incredible, powerful, motivated and on track then feeling like utter poo. This seems always to happen when I AM making progress (be it physical or mental, and right now it feels pretty purely physical) so for now I’ll try to grit my teeth and bear the roller coaster (and try to stop taking the pain out on the people around me. It may shock you to know that I actually dislike being the grumpy bitch.) #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #food #lunch

Go ahead and ask me how much I love peanut butter toast! Not nearly as much as I love the fact that I can now freely make myself some in the middle of the day, at work, without measuring spoons or food scales. I trust myself to know if I’ve taken enough and I have the insight to know the main person to suffer if I don’t is me- not only because I’ll have sad, dry toast, but because at the end of the day when I reflect on how I’m doing I don’t want to be struck with pangs of regret. No matter how hard it is to do the right thing in the moment, I can honestly say I feel better in the long run when I do. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #peanutbutter #pb #pbtoast #peanutbuttertoast #toast

Not nearly as aesthetically appealing as a donut- but the jelly-to-cake ratio of a strawberry timbit is vastly preferable to that of a strawberry donut imo. This is my fourth free donut prize and it just gets easier and easier every time. A few weeks ago a donut was a big, momentous thing, but now I feel like it’s something I could go out and have with a friend on a Sunday afternoon, easy-peasy(ish), which is exactly the kind of person I want to be; relaxed around foods. I’ve got the ‘eating donuts’ part down, now I just need to work on the ‘socializing with other humans and having multiple friends’ part... #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #donut #timbit @timhortons

Today was kind of a big deal. After two years refusing to get any type of medical or psychological help for my eating disorder for fear of falling back into the role of being a ‘patient’, I finally went back. I finally accepted that the place I’m at now is vastly different from the place I’ve been before when I’ve been a patient. I finally asked for help. And I received it. Going forward I’m going to be working on an outpatient basis with a psychiatrist at my local hospital who specializes in eating disorders; one who I’ve worked with in the past and whom I respect and trust deeply. I’m scared. Im excited. And I’m ready to really work! I made a lot of progress on my own, I pulled myself up thirty pounds from my lowest weight on my own, but I need help to finish this recovery and take it all the way. A part of me feels weak- I thought I could do this alone- but a bigger part of me knows that acknowledging my own limitations is the most powerful thing I can do in this fight. I’m scared. I’m excited. But above all I am grateful even to have this resource. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

It’s “pink shirt day” where I live- a day to wear pink to raise awareness about bullying and to promote kindness. I’ve got a lot of [controversial] opinions about the overuse, and cheapening, of the word “bullying”, but I’m all for anything that encourages us to be gentler to our fellow humans and to ourselves. So here you have it; all my pink ruffles this February 28th. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Off all the “food wins” I’ve had in my renewed push for recovery, this has to be the biggest. I used to dream of pint parties, back when they- and Minniemaud- were a big ‘thing’ in the instagram recovery community. I never actually had one, but I did look up the macros of every single flavour of Ben & Jerry’s while fantasizing about it. I looked them up and felt crushingly disappointed knowing I could NEVER allow myself to have them. Well, the nutritional label of this pint, another one selected for me, without my input, by my dad, was more terrifying than any of those flavours I looked up. But once I actually ate it I discovered it wasn’t so scary. I didn’t feel guilty or out of control- I felt excited and motivated. I AM A PERSON WHO CAN EAT CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM WITH RIBBONS OF THICK, THIIIICK PEANUT BUTTER! And that’s pretty damn cool. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery #icecream #hagendazs #dessert #foodporn

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