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recovery.chii recovery.chii

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-Kara-  💜25 || AN || Restoring ||💜|| hospital<real world🌸

http://ask.fm/karayoni

Busy at work, busy at life, and busy desperately trying to hold it all together and not let the routines and rules take over (or encroach any further than they already have). Trying to hold on to the memories of how empowering it can feel to fight and win those little day-to-day battles. It feels GOOD to do well even though my head is screaming that doing the hard thing and making the scary choices is going to harm me. My rational mind knows the opposite is true. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Breakfast and evening snack are my favourite times of the day. They're the calm moments before the chaos that sometimes clouds my thoughts start. They prepare me for what's to come and let me reflect on what has been. Grateful for those moments- each and every day. When nothing else is, I know they will still be okay. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

I found a level of freedom from my routines in the summer after gum surgery kind of forced me out of them but lately I feel like they've been creeping back in. They are trying to suffocate me again. It's scary and it's discouraging. It's not that I can't fight back, I can and I will, but it makes me wonder if things will always be like this. Will I forever have to be hyper vigilant just to keep my head above water? I believe in full recovery. I believe I will reach a point of peace where I function and think just like a person never afflicted with this. But I believe all that solely based on hope and faith, because the evidence isn't giving me a lot to work with lately. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Using up the very last of some of my favourites for #nightsnack. I have a bad habit of holding on to the foods I love but have no way of replacing (cupcake m&m's, cheesecake Oreos) because I want to save them for a special moment / occasion, but then ultimately waiting so long that they go bad before that magical, special moment ever happens.
Today I met up with one of my oldest and dearest friends. She's one of those friends that I knew before this whole eating disorder happened and one of the friends that has loved me and been by my side despite all the hardships. Couldn't feel more blessed. Seeing her today reminded me of why I'm doing all this- why I'm fighting so hard for recovery. It's because I WANT those meaningful relationships in my life! I want to have the energy and freedom to give to the people I love. The eating disorder doesn't leave room for meaningful connections- it thrives on isolation, and for that reason I refuse to leave room for the eating disorder. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Sooooop. Couldn't have been a better day for it: cloudy and drizzly from morning to night. This meal still gives me a tingle of anxiety because I always feel like the portion of noodles is too much. Rationally I know it's completely appropriate and equal to the rice I have almost every dinner, but it just FEELS like more. Luckily I know better than to completely trust my FEELINGS when it comes to judging portions sizes or estimating calories right now. I'll get there, but I'm not there yet. Right now I'm still figuring out the balance between measuring to make sure I eat enough while simultaneously allowing myself to become slightly more intuitive with my eating. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Just finished my first shift for my weekend retail job and I'm feeling overloaded with training videos. Anyone who has worked for a reasonably big company probably knows exactly what I'm talking about; 30 minute tutorials on how to safely lift a box and climb a ladder, how to engage your customer, what to do in case of emergency, etc. Boring but survivable. Despite working a desk job Monday through Friday, I still had a lot of anxiety over being completely sedentary all afternoon for training but it's over now and I'm reflecting back now and wondering what I was so worried about? I was sedentary and it didn't kill me. My weight won't skyrocket. I won't suddenly lose control. Sometimes when you stop running from your fears and instead force yourself to face them you realize that they were never all that scary to begin with. I'm also reflecting with pride on the fact that not once but THRICE I accepted candy from the communal candy corn bowl when it was offered. This job is a new beginning with new people and I'm not going to establish myself as the person who doesn't eat. I want to engage with my coworkers and I want to engage with life. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Lunching on one of my favs before starting my first shift- and thinking. There was a time, more than a year ago now, when I would never have dared to have an egg yolk. Then I made a decision; I didn't want to be the type of person who spent her whole life eating plain egg whites from a carton. I didn't want to pass up brunch with my girlfriends or breakfast in bed with my partner just because they used the whole egg. And that decision can be applied to every other area of my life too. I don't want to be the mom (should I be lucky enough to have kids one day) who can't eat ice cream with her kids. I don't want to be the daughter who misses her parent's birthday party because she's scared of the expectation of having cake. I knew then, and I know now, the person I want to be. The person I CAN be. And the person I am, slowly, becoming. I'm not there yet, but every day I choose recovery I get closer. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Hadn't had strawberry ensure in at least a year so I figured I would give it a shot again. Not my favourite, not terrible.
I'm not really sure what direction to go with this account any more. What kind of content do people want to see? do you want fewer food pictures and more life pictures? Do you want more talk about early recovery and less rambling about my daily functioning? Let me know! This account used to be mostly about having a place to hold myself accountable but I no longer really feel like in need it for that purpose and so I want to use it more as a platform to help and inspire. Feedback wanted! #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Fri-freaking-day! It's been a week coloured with interpersonal dramas and confusion and I'm feeling pretty drained. That being said, I'm still looking forward to the first shift of my part-time weekend gig tomorrow. This week I've seen my name and reputation dragged through the muck both in real life and online and it has reminded me, yet again, the importance of knowing your own truth. People can say whatever they want about you but as long as you know that you're conducting yourself in line with your beliefs and that your conduct is good and right, you are untouchable. People can talk and claim untrue things about you but you know who you are. You get to decide, not them. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

When I committed to trying something new at @popeyeslouisianakitchen every time my coworkers sent me to pick them up lunch was I expecting I'd be going this often? Not really. Does it scare me to be eating fast food multiple times a week? Absolutely. But it doesn't scare me nearly as much as the thought of living a life trapped with the eating disorder does. I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it. Plus, my friend recommended the mac and cheese and I told her I would try it; not bad! Needs more [any] spice! #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

Sneaking in dinner in the car before girl guides tonight and feeling incredibly blessed to be in a place where I can honestly say I'm having a positive influence on the next generation. It's #internationaldayofthegirl and I can't imagine a better way to celebrate than hanging out with my guides. Their energy, spunk, carefree spirits and unique personalities inspire me every week. They make me want to be better and they remind me what it is to be human. I see so much potential in these girls and it fills me with nothing but good feels about the future- mine, theirs and the world's. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

It's #worldmentalhealthday and rather than making a post about me, my disorder, and the physical extremes to which my body was pushed, I want to use this moment to talk about mental health as it applies to ALL people. Mental health isn't just the absence of a diagnostic label, mental health belongs to everyone. The mental health of those without mental illness is just as valid as those with one. The pain and sadness is just as real. And the need to prioritize self-care is just as important! Long after I've escaped the label of "anorexic" i know I will still have times where my mental health will be shaky and I'll need a little extra support from those around me and I certainly hope my feelings will be treated as equally valid then as they are now. You don't have to be sick to take care of your body and you don't need to be mentally ill to take care of your mental health. Mental health is for everyone. #eatingdisorderrecover #anorexiarecovery #recovery #mentalhealth #edrecovery #health #wellness #prorecovery

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