recovery.chii recovery.chii

2016 posts   16369 followers   243 followings

-Kara-  ๐Ÿ’œ25 || AN || Restoring ||๐Ÿ’œ|| hospital<real world๐ŸŒธ

http://ask.fm/karayoni

Stirfry lunch leftovers at work with the office dog (Kevin) staring on longingly. Not sharing, not sorry. Wednesdays are always a little weird with how I juggle around my meals, snacks, and calories because of girl guides. For a while the changes really shook me and left me feeling irrationally guilty over breaking certain 'rules' about what I'm 'allowed' to eat and when but I can honestly say I now barely think twice about it. I can feel the rules relaxing quite substantially lately and it's amazing. It's like suddenly being able to breath again. I'm not quite taking deep breaths yet, but I'm getting there. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Heading to bed with treats and an attitude of gratitude for the amazing community I've found here in insta. These m&ms were sent to me by a friend I met on here with whom I truly feel I'm journeying side-by-side with towards a full, ed-free life. There aren't many people in my real life who know what it's like to be in the throws of this process and it can sometimes feel very lonely. But how freaking blessed am I that when that loneliness starts to creep up in me I need only to turn on my insta to be reminded that I am anything but alone! While I've often ranted that parts of this online mental health community are harmful and counterproductive it's undeniable that there's also a lot of goodness to be found. Much like in the "real world", you just need to find your people and know who is true and genuine. You are my people ๐Ÿ’œ #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Sweats and smoothies, my favorite way to end the day. Today was good. Things are good. But they are also really challenging. I'm at a place where I'm no longer readily identified as sick and people don't necessarily know or care about my "story" of anorexia. It's a good thing but it's unusual. For so long I assumed it was the only thing that made me interesting or noteworthy in any way. The reality is that it made me noteworthy and interesting but only to a very small subsection of other people suffering the same mental illness and it kept me trapped in a competitive, self-destructive world. In the "real world" being sick and damaged isn't glamorous or attractive. People aren't enticed by my illness. People don't want to be my friend because I'm the best at being skinny. In the real world It's what I contribute and who I am that makes me ME and draws people into my life. And I am not an illness. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Throwback to this awkward public selfie in a restaurant mirror. Why? Because this was taken Saturday, the best day I've had in a long time. Most days lately are good with one or two "toughies" a week thrown in there, but Saturday was exceptional. Saturday tasted like freedom. Saturday felt like what life could be like once this eating disorder is just a part of my story and not a defining feature of my day-to-day life. I can't quite put my finger on what made it different but I just felt more relaxed; I went out for coffee with dad, I shopped for camping supplies, and I hung out with my friend. And, of course, I went out for delicious dinner. Everything just felt so right. From where I was to where I am today, I couldn't feel more satisfied. My life is going where it needs to go, I am surrounded by the best people, and for maybe the first time in my life I am genuinely hopeful about my future and confident in myself. How I got here is something of a blur, but I'm so glad I did. Glad and grateful. Grateful and glad. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

After a wobbly, insecure start to the day, and with quite a bit of help from friends who remind me exactly what is true and important, I pulled things together and put myself back where I like to be: positive and confident in the path I have chosen )"(for life and recovery). Life will always be filled with "what-ifs"; "what if I had done this instead of that?" "What if I had gone inpatient instead of trying to juggle a full time job with recovery?" "What if I hadn't said that?" But what kind of life would we be living if we second guessed every decision? The best thing we can do is point ourselves towards positivity, work to be the person we want to be, and be confident that we are doing our very best, even if it involves a misstep or two. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Work lunch is nothing new or exciting; avo and turkey sandwich. What IS new (or at least something I've not dealt with for a while) is a creeping feeling of invalidation for my experience. It's completely irrational because I know my experience and I know how hard this recovery is, but as I see other people going into hospitals and programs I begin to wonder "am I even sick?" Why have I been able to pull myself out of this? What makes me different from them? Why can I do it while they cannot? I have a lot of mixed feelings about the value of treatment programs and even more mixed feelings about how they are used&abused by those struggling with mental health, but I can't deny that having that constant external validation that your suffering is "real" is a comfort. Trying to recover while simultaneously maintaining /creating the life of a normal, functional adult involves releasing the need to be identified as sick, and that is incredibly scary when sickness has long been a cornerstone of my identity. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Messy hair, no makeup, crazy eyes- this is me and this is happy. This week is going to be great, next weekend is going to be even better, and everything is going to just keep evolving the way it was always supposed to before I got in my own way. I'm ending the weekend feeling peaceful and starting the work week with nothing but positive intentions. This life is mine and I still barely believe it. I'm becoming the girl I wanted to be but didn't think I could. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Was feeling very 'stuck' over what to have for lunch so I let my friend decide for me and she chose wisely because this was perfect ๐Ÿ‘Œ. I had a great morning running around getting various groceries and hanging with the pops and now I'm running out again to start gathering up the bits and bobs needed for camp next weekend. I'm somewhat overwhelmed at the thought of an entire weekend of not getting to control and count my food like I usually do and of having to adhere to a schedule that is not purely my own, but that anxiety is vastly overshadowed by the joy I feel to even be at a place in my life where I'm able to do this. For too long my life was a cycle of relapse and weight restoration; a revolving door of hospitalizations and inpatient stays. I kept telling myself it would get better and eventually I would be normal again, as if it was purely a waiting game. As if a program or doctor could "fix" me if I just stayed patient. Turns out you don't just eventually get better- you have to fight tooth and nail for it. It's harder that complacency, but it's so much more rewarding. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Falafel vegan tacos from @purekitchenottawa and I now don't want to eat anything else ever; ALL THE GARLIC AOLI! ๐Ÿ˜! Honestly, it was just an amazing time with an amazing human and I feel amazing. My eating disorder has long kept me convinced that unknown calories, preparation methods, and ingredients were an insurmountable "challenge" but in reality it was never about the food. The challenge is giving up control and trusting my body, trusting the people in my life, and trusting myself enough to know that I will be okay. I am good enough. Food is food and food is GOOD. Life is good. ๐Ÿ“Ž (only one complaint; make yo' damn tacos bigger, pure!) #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Some days I can't even be bothered to try to make my food aesthetic. Tuna mac for lunch on this way-too-busy Saturday! It's the best kind of business though; busy being a good friend, busy getting ready for camp, and busy having the best dinner date ever! Going out for dinner tonight and I refuse to let it be twisted into something big and scary by my disorder. The real life stuff- spending times with family and friends, contributing to the lives of my girl guides, being effective at my job- THOSE are the true "recovery wins". Dinner is just dinner. Dinner shouldn't be something scary. Food shouldn't be feared. Slowly but surely I'm retraining my silly, silly brain to realize this. Also; resisting any and all urges to restrict in anticipation of a restaurant meal because that would defeat the whole purpose. The goal is proving my fears wrong , not learning to appear and co-exist with them. It's going to be a good day. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Tried out something a little bit different for dinner tonight- basically cacciatore with an egg thrown in. I love being able to experiment with foods and find new combinations and flavours. Admittedly they don't always work out amazingly (case in point; tonight's dinner), but that's just part of the process of rebuilding a relationship with food. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I LOVE how I nourish my body. The foods I eat make me feel strong, healthy, and good from the inside out. #edfree #edfamily #edrecovery #edsurvivor #anorexia #anarecovery #anorexiarecovery #recover #realcovery #recoveryispossible #realrecovery #prorecovery #positiverecovery #edfighter #beatana #beatanorexia #recovery #eatingdisorder #foodisfuel #healthynotskinny #anorexianervosa #minniemaud #homeodynamictreatment

Feeling flowy and fresh in one of my favorite work outfits. This dress is a godsend on days when body image is shaky and I just was to throw on something loose and comfy and not think about my weight or shape for a bit. I'm pretty excited today because it's the last day to apply to be a brand ambassador for @wearyourlabel . I applied a few weeks ago and have been trying to play it cool, but I've got zero chill; I'm super hopeful about my chances of being selected. As I transition away from a place, both in my life and instagram, where I am constantly narrowly focused on the nitty-gritty depths of recovery I want to transition towards promoting positivity and living your best life. I want to show that mental illness is not a death sentence and lead by example to prove that it is possible to find self acceptance and to thrive despite and BECAUSE of adversity. I want my social media presence to be so much more meaningful than what I ate for breakfast. I feel like being a brand ambassador for a cause like #wearyourlabel would be an amazing opportunity and stepping stone on my journey but even if I don't get selected I am so excited to continue sharing my journey and expanding my focus to really LIVING [not just eating].

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