sometimes it feels like I can't breath..."
It's official, I need to get another open heart surgery, and will happen next week. and coincidentally, my birthday's also next week, so THAT'S GREAT. The best present, really. Everything I didn't want happen is now happening hahahaha.
The next thing I don't want to happen is a heart transplant, and at this rate, I can see it happening. the mortality rate statistically....57% survival after 10 years..?..that number...."orz
Understandably, a lot of people seem to think my anxiety is due to the actual surgery, but i'll be honest, it's the pain post-surgery that triggers my trauma more than death.
So I shared my experience with post-surgery in detail on twitter, but cause of the word limit, I'm only going to share a part of it here:
For the first 24 hours, you're in the ICU. You wake up a little bit, and there's a bit of pain but mostly you're high on morphine.The pain slowly sets in as the hours go on tho, and you're connected to all sorts of tubes to help you breath better, but it feels extremely uncomfortable. You can't move. You're connected to a urinary catheter. If you're unlucky, they might've given you too much antibiotics during the surgery and you'll get diarrhea, but you won't be able to get up, and the shame and pain of everything just overcomes you. While in the ICU, you'll be constantly thirsty; the nurse on shift will feed to you tiny ice cubes when you finally manage to make a sound at them. You wish that you can just pass out as pain sets in, but you can't.
Afterwards, you get moved upstairs into a cardiac ward. If you're lucky, you'll share a room with people who won't snore. Everything hurts. You're given a pillow to hold your chest at all times when you move, like holding your organs in lol. Essentially, every single movement that involves your upper body will hurt for the next month or so, making it hard to do anything, like sleeping well... You're essentially invalid for that time, and will need a caretaker to help you out of bed, out of a steep chair, etc.
Thanks for reading and for all your messages and support. Srsly I'm mostly alone in the hospital so they really help.