I was juggling different thoughts in my mind as a caption: quotes, intellectual remarks, sassy statements. Instead, I’ve decided I’ll write something more personal about my travels as a model. Let’s skip the cliche “I’m so grateful for this opportunity” etc., etc...The truth is I’ve created opportunities myself.
See, I never thought I’m organised. I’ve feared I’m not persistent enough. My dad used to scold me for my lack of consistency when I was younger.
I won’t be doing this forever. I might grow old gracefully like my beautiful mother, but one day I won’t be able to hold a handstand or effortlessly hang from mountain rocks.
Sometimes modelling makes me feel stupid. Nowadays I’m trying to catch up on reading instead as I miss the old bookworm I used to be.
I am not unhappy. No, there are moments when I fully appreciate my current lifestyle - today, for example, I took a deep breath while being high up in the air on a carousel in Liverpool watching the harsh sunset light break behind the clouds and illuminating in between the city’s buildings.
I do get lonely sometimes. This is why I enjoy staying with fellow artists. I’m lucky to have such wonderful hosts that often become friends. They invite me back to not only create more pictures, but also chat, like human to human, like creative to creative.
Sometimes I become numb. I don’t feel present, jailed in a nondescript surreal bubble. I struggle with communication. I find it incredibly hard to stay in touch with the friends I’ve made and people I care for. This saddens me very much. Sometimes I wish I had something consistent in my life - there’s hardly anything stable in it.
I often wonder what would happen if I stayed in one place for a longer time. Yet until now I’ve felt like I’m destined to leave. I’m always sad to leave - because something happened or didn’t happen enough. Perhaps I am numb because I got used to that, it’s a custom. Nothing is new, nothing is surprising. People and their personalities merge into one blur.
I am not unhappy. Deep down I know this is all part of a process that will eventually make my heart content. I am incredibly sure of this.
Ph: @jackrussell_photo 💛