On Mother's Day, two years ago to the day of writing this, I was at my youngest sister's apartment, babysitting her daughter, while she ran some errands. It was also her birthday. When she came home, she told me of the plans that had been made to celebrate her birthday and Mother's Day, with a bonfire and barbecue, along with various members of our family, including our mom and my daughter. I hadn't previously known of these plans, so immediately I became excited and was preparing to join and ride out with my sister. As we were leaving her apartment, she seemed to hesitate, and then said she wanted to make sure with our mom that it was okay that I joined, before we left. It was one of the most bizarre moments in my life, for my sister to have to ask permission from her mother, my mother, to have me join and be with those who were supposedly also my family. The people I grew up with. Some of the people I loved most in this life. Especially my child. My only child.
And she said no.
At first, I was bewildered and confused. It crushed and devastated me. I couldn't understand why this was happening. Why she would do this to me, or treat me this way. How can someone not want to love or be around their own child? She said that it wasn't a good idea, and, on some other day, I could visit with my daughter, despite my begging and pleading to be there on Mother's Day, and not just "some other day". .
My sister left with her daughter to go see our mom and my daughter. And I was left alone, empty and hurting in my soul. I walked downstairs to the apartment that my partner, Billy, and I were temporarily staying in with his son, and asked him to come outside with me.
I felt completely broken, hurt, and confused as I told Billy everything that had happened. I cried. I got angry. I became sad. In the midst of all of the hurt and anguish I was feeling, becoming very angry with my mother in reliving the story to Billy, I couldn't help but thinking that my pain wasn't special. It wasn’t unique. It wasn't any different than the pain experienced by so many around me in this world, but I didn't want them to feel this pain, either. They didn't deserve it. (Continued in comments)