Instagram post by @talitha_and_jesus Talitha Koum

Today is national single parents day. Yesterday I saw a picture on Instagram that reminded me of a picture my children took with their father a few years back. Between today’s “celebration” for single parenting and that picture reminder yesterday I have to share.

When I saw that pic yesterday, all of a sudden my heart was back there. Back there to that point in time. Back there to all the pain and suffering I was going through. And the pain and suffering we were about to offend my children with. And I hated him.
I hated their father so bad, my then husband. I wanted him dead. I wanted him to writhe in physical pain. I was so hurt. And that night, after their last photo shoot with their dad we were going to take them for dinner and then break the news to them. We were about to break their tender hearts.

He was moving out. We were no longer going to be together. We were no longer going to be a family. I’ve been through a lot of painful moments in my life, but there was NEVER any worse than what was about to happen. I was about to shatter the dreams of my most beloved. The life they had grown to know. For my oldest his life and family he had known for at least 14 years. It was all ending. And there was nothing else I could do differently. Nothing to stop it.

I was so hurt. I was still in shock myself. I still could not fathom it and wandered through the muck like it was a bad dream. Even now looking back at it, I feel as if there was a cloud hanging over me, as if I was lost in a midst of....just all of it. Breaking the news to them was the worse day of my life.

It made no sense to them. We didn’t argue and yell. We didn’t sleep in separate beds. We were not mean and unkind to one another. We were completely broken though. There was nothing but an empty void. A detachment that left each of us on opposite ends of each other, on the opposite ends of life. And we we’re never coming back.

The pain back then was unfathomable. Even now my heart sinks to my gut just to recall where I once was. Just the slightest actual “feel” of what it was makes me sick. .
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Continued in comments

4 Comments

  • 4w ago talitha_and_jesus talitha_and_jesus

    My God is so good though. Through it all he has drawn me closer to him. Through it all the separation between Him and I is now practically non-existent. He never abandoned me. His love for me never ceased. He never gave up on me while I was in the trenches of divorce, anger, loneliness, sadness. He still hasn’t given up on me. I cried out. I cried out so many tears. I wailed. Literally, have I wailed because of the suffering. Heaped on top of that was physical pain. Physical pain as I did too much, as I stressed the F’ out of my body, sending my system into a practical failure. But he took care of me. Through it all. He drew me near.

    I still have pain, physical and otherwise. But wow, to know the difference from then to now. I am a new person. I am a new me. Who ever I was before doesn’t even compare to who I am now. I have been made new and shiny. I have lost TREMENDOUSLY, but I have loved and been loved just as much. So many people lifted me up. So many people loved on us. For me, my own kids loved me through it.

    My kids? Well, they are flipping amazing! To this day I cannot believe how blessed I am to have them. We are definitely scarred though from it all. We each carry a part of that ordeal with us now. Some of us more than others. But WE, we are amazing. And THEM, they are wondrous. And ME, well I’m still standing.

    And my God? He is the same. Then, now, and always.
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    I at first was going to share a pic of my boys from that last photo shoot. I thought though, where we are at now is so much better.
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  • 4w ago talitha_and_jesus talitha_and_jesus

    #talitha #Jesus #Mary #Joseph #fatherGod #christ #faith #christian #catholic #relationships #relationshipsmatter #loved #wellloved #family #mysonshines #pumpkinpumpkin #lovebug #singleparenting #divorce #coparenting #familymatters #familylife #allkinds #allheart

  • 4w ago successappeal successappeal

    What a post! 😄 Wising you a life full of success appeal!

  • 4w ago caldwell_family_lawyers caldwell_family_lawyers

    Great post 👍😊

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