Instagram post by @kael.klassen teacher. healer. guide.

. . .
i hate motherhood today.
this whole week in fact.
it feels too constrictive,
too full of chaos.
the drone of near constant noise is chafing at my heart.
the nagging belief that i’m doing more harm than good, that i’ve damaged them, has her hands wrapped tight around my throat.
and i’m looking over my shoulder to see if anyone has caught on to the fact that i don’t know what i’m doing.
but i keep coming back to their faces; i love the exquisite landscape of their faces.
the way the hazel-eyed one has a perfect triangle of freckles on his right cheek and the blue-eyed one has thick straw coloured lashes that i swear belong on a lion.
the way their skin is like velvet, covered with soft downy hair, as it stretches over cheekbones and across the expanses of jawlines and foreheads.
i know the geography of their faces by heart.
i also know this feeling won’t last. it never does.
so for now, for now, i tuck myself away in my room.
i hide myself just as much as i find my self down at the river.
i demand that we go on walks together to the forest to see if the rain has woken up the mushrooms.
i remind myself that there are days where i can set my mothering standard to simply keeping them alive and that these are those days.
i remind myself that it’s hard because it is growth; that these tiny mirror humans are shining light onto the shit i still need to heal in myself.
i remind myself that even when i hate motherhood, i am so utterly in love with them as humans.


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