one_strong_mutha one_strong_mutha

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Rebecca  The confessions of a manic depressive Mutha.

I wanted to share some pictures from 2 years ago. This was as I was starting to medicate, starting to feel free from the crisis and psychosis and finally the pain had started to ease in relation to the birth trauma. I was healthy, exercising, so so content and happy. I knew having this recent surgery would make me wobble, it has made me question my existence (silly I know, but my mind can be irrational), question my worth, my abilities and I knew I had to do something for me, hence the job. I tried to craft but my mind gets distracted and I can’t concentrate for long. I find my mind wanders unless I am really busy. I find I work better under pressure, I am never going to be one of those who are freelance material. Anyway I digress, I wanted to say although things are very up and down at the moment I know there will be light. Since my meeting on Tuesday I have felt a little more together; probably with the help of lorazepam and propranolol but also perhaps the mood shift is happening and it’s very welcomed if it stays this way. I hate how unpredictable bipolar and mental illness is, I like control and order and lists. Bipolar doesn’t conform to any of those things. I hate the cycles it brings into my life, from an intense wave of deepest dark depression and anger/frustration to the delusional, racing thoughts and insomnia. Since having Roo I am convinced my “patterns” of bipolar episodes have changed. I seem to suffer more with mixed episodes; very up and down for a period of a few weeks, sometimes months and then a shorter period of stability. Pre motherhood I suffered with very prominent episodes of either mania or depression. Most episodes caused me or others serious harm and would last 2-3 weeks. There was no build up they were as quick as flicking a light on or off with no triggers or warning. The mania was mostly accompanied by memory loss and the depressive episodes sent me into suicidal crises several times. But the periods of stability were longer and that’s why I believe it went on undiagnosed for so long. I had at one time 18 months of stability. Other times it would be just a few weeks or months. GP is going to push my referral as urgent now.

I am smiling! It feels good. I had a great day at a managers meeting, made up a work related rap to “The fresh prince of bel air” and it was a hit. I won a bottle of prosecco for my hard work and the care I have for my new store and a box of malteasers (a huge box) for my rap 😂. The rap also got filmed with I may live to regret! It’s pretty well written and terribly rapped but I might reenact for Instagram on the weekend. I am working like crazy, I see Roo for about 3 hours a day at the moment sometimes 4.5 hours if I pick him up, I am exhausted and my mind hurts. I have started lorazepam and propranolol as those are the meds I have access to at home and they have lifted me a little. Enough to rap in front of a room of 45 people so that’s pretty good going. Anyway I don’t have any fun and fancy pictures to show but that’s my little update. I need sleep now as up again at 5:30am for another day of hard graft tomorrow. Oh and I have suffered with horrible pain today, bowel, vagina and deep in my side, it’s knocked me off my feet once or twice and even made me lose my breath! I have an ultrasound on Saturday though to see what’s going on with the ovary that’s left. #onestrongmutha

Grounded and free. Two feelings I currently don’t feel. I feel like I am spinning in a vortex and can’t get a breath of air. I can’t get out.

All booked again this year for our wedding anniversary. We haven’t had a holiday this year but we couldn’t miss out on our annual visit to Tortworth Court. Roo comes with us too, we explore the grounds, go for a swim, order room service and drink hot chocolate (or wine) whilst deer spotting. I might even get the chance to head off for a pedicure or massage 👍 #onestrongmutha #wedding #marriage #anniversary #october #hindu

One sleepy little babe. He headed to bed at 7:30pm tonight after a super fun day at nursery. He learnt how to use his weighted lap pad and fidget toys and sat through an entire circle time! So proud of him, not that I want him forced to conform but he struggles with groups of people and being in an environment he isn’t controlling. He is always on the move until something catches his eye and then he will sit for ages and concentrate on play but mostly on his own. I am broken tonight, my back is so sore, my shoulder hurts, my feet are throbbing and I think I have a chest infection brewing. Off to bed for me ready for two busy days at work coming up. #onestrongmutha

Re edited Smitty, Made her a little sharper and the background a little brighter. It’s only using an app VSCO, which I really love but I think just helps ordinary photos pop a little. Gosh it’s 2am and I need to be up in 3 hours 😩

I am trying to learn how to take semi decent pictures on my phone (or even on my camera but I think I need someone to help with that), so many missed opportunities for beautiful snaps because of my lack of ability. So I will try harder to capture cute candid shots and edit them a little. I want to build a gallery in our hallway and I need the photos to do that with. I have some super special pictures from when Roo was smaller and our wedding etc but hubby and I are the least photogenic couple and Roo doesn’t sit still 😂😩

I have worked so hard for this and will continue to work hard to drive this business forward. My business plan is amazing and I know that this was the right move for me, this year. As some of you know I was supposed to start university last week but I had confirmation today that my place is deferred for a year. Which is incredible as they never defer these foundation degree courses. So I feel utterly privileged and proud that they think I am a worthy enough candidate to offer this to and indeed I may not even accept the place next year but the option is there. I love what I do right now but I have always dreamt of this degree course (or being a GP or paramedic but I am probably not smart enough to do that). So this is my shop, my store, my pharmacy, my branch. I am accountable for what happens within these walls and I am so proud of myself. I got my first “shop” to run at 19 years old... I have always been driven towards leadership, I think it suits me. I have managed phone shops, pharmacies, driven businesses forward and led an entire area for Sky tv at the age of 24. It’s what I am good at, people and processes. So here I stand (well behind the camera) so proud, so strong and so grateful for all I have in my life, everything I have worked for and everything I have created. #onestrongmutha #manager #pharmacy #strong #driven #workhard #workingmum #hysterectomy #bipolardisorder

Roo ended up so poorly, a temperature of 39.5 and vigorously shaking with the fever. After throwing up everywhere we headed to my bed for Calpol and cuddles, although after 10 minutes he was still struggling and I wondered if skin to skin was still a relevant way of regulating temperatures in little ones. I have no idea if it actually does work past a certain age, but it did help him calm, stop shaking and settle into a deep sleep! The beauty of bodies when they are worth so much more than just something to look at. The power of boobs even without being milk filled or sexual “fun bags”. #onestrongmutha #bodies #skintoskin #healing #toddler #mother #son #iweigh

Sweet baby pickle is still poorly. Breaking my heart, luckily between us we managed to make it through the day. Hubby took the morning run to collect him from nursery and I came home around 4:30pm so he could go back to work until they close. Team work makes the dream work and all. Just hope Roo feels better soon, he has a daddy day tomorrow so at least they can just rest at home and don’t have anywhere to go. #onestrongmutha #poorlyboy #toddler #workingmum #sickness

One poorly poorly sick pickle. Really breaks my heart when he suffers like this, I think we will break out the inhaler once he wakes as the wheeze has suddenly hit. He struggles terribly with his chest and ears throughout winter so trying to be proactive this year as we aren’t breastfeeding anymore. He started vitamins a few months a go, we have all the “stuff” at home but I am going to get his flu spray booked in ASAP and I have been researching chicken pox vaccines. I would rather pay than let him have to suffer through an illness unnecessarily. Particularly as there is a measles outbreak in Bristol, we maybe ushered to have his second dose MMR sooner than the 3-4 years old recommendation. #onestrongmutha #onestrongbubba #poorlysick #cough #cold #winterbugs #love #cuddles #toddlerlife

All you need is love and a good support system! I am lucky to have these people in my life (Roo is hiding under the table). We might not always be the closest family all of the time but we have each other’s back when we need it most. #family #love #gotmyback #cheerleaders #onestrongmutha #hysterectomy #endometriosis #adenomyosis #bipolar #bipolardisorder #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #infertility #anxiety #cancer #marriage #divorce #relationships #friends #siblings

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