I wanted to share some pictures from 2 years ago. This was as I was starting to medicate, starting to feel free from the crisis and psychosis and finally the pain had started to ease in relation to the birth trauma. I was healthy, exercising, so so content and happy. I knew having this recent surgery would make me wobble, it has made me question my existence (silly I know, but my mind can be irrational), question my worth, my abilities and I knew I had to do something for me, hence the job. I tried to craft but my mind gets distracted and I can’t concentrate for long. I find my mind wanders unless I am really busy. I find I work better under pressure, I am never going to be one of those who are freelance material. Anyway I digress, I wanted to say although things are very up and down at the moment I know there will be light. Since my meeting on Tuesday I have felt a little more together; probably with the help of lorazepam and propranolol but also perhaps the mood shift is happening and it’s very welcomed if it stays this way. I hate how unpredictable bipolar and mental illness is, I like control and order and lists. Bipolar doesn’t conform to any of those things. I hate the cycles it brings into my life, from an intense wave of deepest dark depression and anger/frustration to the delusional, racing thoughts and insomnia. Since having Roo I am convinced my “patterns” of bipolar episodes have changed. I seem to suffer more with mixed episodes; very up and down for a period of a few weeks, sometimes months and then a shorter period of stability. Pre motherhood I suffered with very prominent episodes of either mania or depression. Most episodes caused me or others serious harm and would last 2-3 weeks. There was no build up they were as quick as flicking a light on or off with no triggers or warning. The mania was mostly accompanied by memory loss and the depressive episodes sent me into suicidal crises several times. But the periods of stability were longer and that’s why I believe it went on undiagnosed for so long. I had at one time 18 months of stability. Other times it would be just a few weeks or months. GP is going to push my referral as urgent now.