one_strong_mutha one_strong_mutha

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Rebecca  The confessions of a manic depressive Mutha. Navigating parenthood whilst battling the demons of birth trauma and bipolar affective disorder.

It’s Bell’s Palsy!! Yay! I can go home in a few hours after waiting for another blood result and get my meds and eye drops. Christmas jumper day for Roo! Wearing his gingerbread man jumper for the day. I had to ask hubby to match an outfit and send me pictures because I really didn’t want to miss today. I know I am going on about it but I have only ever left Roo once before in 3 years and that was for my hysterectomy 6 months ago. Otherwise I have done every bed time, every morning and every midnight waking for 1093 days of his life and I hate hate hate not being there for him. He looks super cute though and daddy did his hair all spiky. 😍

I miss you so much little man. So so so much. My heart is breaking being stuck here and unable to love you and cuddle you. I suspect you are really confused about where Mummy is and why she hasn’t come home, hope Daddy has tried to tell you Mummy is a little bit poorly at the moment but will be home today to love and celebrate you in time for your birthday. You are my guiding light, the sunshine on my cloudy day. Love Mumma xx

This is about as exciting as my pictures get. I am bored and lonely. I know I am in the right place, blah blah blah. Just tired of being poked and prodded and asked to “smile” about 10 times a day. It’s made me really self conscious about smiling or at least trying to. The nurse doesn’t think it’s any better but I am sure I see some improvement so that’s something I am clinging on to and the headache has changed. It’s less throbbing around my temples and just at the top of my head and in the middle now. My goal is to get results and get told I am ok and then go home and prepare for Roo’s Birthday tomorrow. I have to be home, there is absolutely no way that mentally I will cope if they think they are keeping me in another night. #onestrongmutha

Meet Marg the MRI machine. I just had to get up close and personal with Marg whilst my head was strapped to the bed to be scanned for a possible TIA (mini stroke) or blood clot. I woke up yesterday morning with no feeling or movement in the left lower side of my face and it’s still not returned at all, in fact it’s gotten worse. I went to work as normal and my colleagues became concerned that it was worsening, so I took their advice and went to see the GP. The GP I saw was amazing, she went through my medical history and quickly decided to call the Stroke team on call registrar. After taking their advice, they jointly decided to send an ambulance in order to admit me via the “stroke pathway”, which would have had a CT machine on standby and other interventional medics ready to diagnose or treat what was suspected as a mini stroke. After 3 hours and 4 calls chasing the supposedly urgent ambulance my GP was devastated they didn’t arrive but let me make my way to hospital with my mum. We were promised I would still be accepted on the pathway but apparently that wasn’t the case, we went into triage, did a stint in majors and then we were moved to minors unit for a CT and a proper review of my symptoms. So about 9 hours after seeing the GP I was admitted on to the Stroke Ward for further tests and possible interventions. I have only just (18 hours later) been given wrist bands and only at 7am this morning was I given medication for the headache I have been struggling with, but now the MRI is done it’s a waiting game for the results which will hopefully tell us something about what’s going on. The registrar today thinks this is an episode of Bell’s Palsy which is about to get worse as the week goes on (and it has gotten worse in 24 hours already) or a TIA and I will need anticoagulation treatment. If neither of those theories are correct I will be allowed home (providing its nothing worse of course) and will be in daily to outpatients in Neurology for further studies and testing. I am half hoping to go home and then half hoping to just get sorted once and for all. It’s really knocked my high level of confidence I felt on Monday. Feeling a little deflated and worried.

Hubby takes the best pictures. I had a response from Speech Therapy today, Ravi has now been put forward for 1-2-1 speech therapy and that will start in January. Hurrah!

You light up my world 🌍

Teaching Ravi that bodies are normal and that bigger bodies are just as beautiful as smaller bodies. That marks and scars are ok and they tell a story. Hair is also ok and we all have it somewhere. Colouring my hair has me feeling fierce today! Today I feel like I don’t HAVE to lose weight to fit in, I have had so many compliments on my hair and it’s made me feel so good about myself. Don’t get me wrong I have some body confidence work to do, I need to learn to love myself and if peach hair helps me do that then peach it will be. Perhaps because it took the attention away from my stomach and the pressure to conform was off for a few hours. I don’t know what helped the light switch in my head but the future to be positive about my body and confident of the skin I am in, is finally underway. I might lose weight, I might start exercising once I have this work/therapy/mum life figured out but for now this is me and I love me. And I love my son. This was all cute until he started asking for milk lol! I jumped up and got dressed 😂 #onestrongmutha #bodypositivity #bodyconfidence #curves #bipolaraffectivedisorder #mentalhealthawareness #loveyourself

Rocking the peach vibes. I expected to hate it but I love it.

Could sit and stare at his room all day every day. Best room in the house currently. Next year we have a whole to do list to get the house sorted once and for all. I can’t wait to document the journey but nothing can commence until Roo’s free nursery hours kick in next month 🥳🤑 the day the January bill comes in and is a third of what it currently is I think I will throw a party and open one of our wedding champagne bottles 🥂 🍾 it’s been a hard decision to work full time when most of my money goes on childcare but it’s soon to pay off and although we are skint on the run up to Christmas it will never be this way again. Phew. It’s nice to actually feel the benefit of the only positive thing to come out of the fucking Tories!!! #onestrongmutha #ourkidslivehere

Christmas in Roo’s room, whilst he naps 😂🙈🎄❄️ #ourkidslivehere #kids #toddlerroom #onestrongmutha #christmas

Anxiety is creeping back in today. Whenever Roo is poorly I get an overwhelming feeling of panic, just because I have seen how his coughs/colds and ear infections end sometimes. I am hoping the antibiotics get to work quickly but I am on edge, constantly watching his breathing, checking his temperature. My husband jibs at me that I am too protective or too worried but it’s only because I have seen it all worsen terribly quickly before. Roo nearly lost his life at 5 weeks old due to brocholitis and has had several hospital admissions for breathing difficulties since then. Every mother’s worst fear. I watched him stop breathing, I watched him have forced nebuliser treatments and medication, I have held his body close to mine when he struggled for a breath! It’s trauma, trauma doesn’t have to be sexual or physical assault, birth related or death... it can be triggered by anything significant to you. My little pickle is nearly 3, just 6 days to go until we can celebrate his birthday. ❤️ #onestrongmutha #trauma #birthtrauma #ptsd #anxiety #bipolar #panic #fear #depression #mania

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