When I think back to that day, the thing that stands out most for me is how beautiful and clear the sky was, it completely contrasted the words he was saying.
I never really knew how powerful a few simple words could be.
I remember feeling as though all the air had escaped my lungs, almost like I’d fallen a long distance directly onto my back.
My legs stopped moving and my mind became filled with a nauseating static, I was only able to stand and stare as they both carried on walking ahead of me.
Through that static I could just make out Anna’s frantic questions as she tried to verbally wrestle some understanding out of the situation, “What do you mean? But what do you mean? Please tell me you’re not serious?”. He repeated the same few answers with the same cold monotonic voice which made it painfully obvious he didn’t have the answers she wanted.
I always thought that’s why he didn’t tell his family for so long… But looking at it now, I can tell it wasn’t about him having to put up with them being a pain in the ass about this situation, It was about him not wanting to hurt them.
I understand why he eventually told us though… He had enough of lying, and more than anything…. He had enough of being alone.
Anna’s words soon turned from worry to Anger, Anger to him, anger to herself and anger to God … I guess she just wanted someone, or something to blame.
Eventually she directed her anger at me, the fact that Lucas had told her and I at the same time seemed to particularly hurt her…. She was his sister after all.
We were told before their parents, I guess he was just testing the water with us.
The words “It’ll be ok, Doctors get this kind of stuff wrong all the time” kept swirling around my mind… I wanted to say something so bad… I wanted to make him know I was there for him… But In the end, I supressed that hopeless comment… I didn’t want to lie to him…
Two weeks later, as I stood over his open casket, I wondered, if I had found the perfect words in that moment, would they have even made a difference?. Sometimes I still regret saying nothing.