I am missing Robert so much lately. Watching Aubrey and Jonathan fall in love with Charlie just gets me thinking about what it could have been like with Robert. I've been struggling with being happy and grateful for our amazing, healthy Charlie and missing his big brother Robert. I am so thankful that Charlie is healthy and here with us. The nine months waiting for him to join us was difficult. I was anxious all the time. In the beginning I went for labs to keep track of my hcg levels weekly, sometimes I would go twice a week just to make sure I was still pregnant and our baby was okay. I went to my OB for weekly appointments, and ultrasounds. The ultrasounds were rough. My heart would be in my stomach until I heard Charlie's heartbeat or saw it fluttering on the screen. Even then I would question the ultrasound tech to make sure everything looked good, and everything was okay. Even now with Charlie here with us it still doesn't feel real. I still feel anxious. I am so scared of something bad happening again. I am doing my best to stay present and enjoy every moment. To be grateful for the sleepless nights and constant exhaustion, the extra loads of laundry after a poopy explosion, all of the stuff that I took for granted before losing Robert. I am tired. I am happy. I am sad. I am grateful. I am survivng. I am still figuring out how to live with my grief. I am here 15 months after losing my third child, my second son, my sweet Robert Allison.
#ihadamiscarriage #robertallison #charliemichael #rainbowbaby #aubreycarmella #jonathanscott