I’ve been struggling to put into words how this week has me feeling. We never really know what someone else is struggling with and #depression and #mentalillness are very dark and isolating. Every time we hear of another person’s #suicide I have to revisit my own feelings and experiences as a #suicidesurvivor. I relive the day in my mind when my dad took his own life, even though I don’t want to. I have done ok in the 19 years since, but it wasn’t easy. I struggled between being ok and not wanting to be too ok — being happy but not too happy. Trying to live to the fullest but always being prepared to have the rug pulled out from under me and everything turned upside down. To be strong for everyone, including my dad. I didn’t want other people to blame my dad if I couldn’t cope. I knew if my dad had been in a healthy state of mind or knew how much pain he would be putting his family through that he wouldn’t have made the choice that he did. So I wanted to speak to anyone that might be thinking of taking their own life or struggling with depression, as a person that was left in the aftermath of suicide: all that pain you are feeling, all that hopelessness — it isn’t real. It is your disease. But if you end your life, it becomes real and your loved ones have to bear it. It is life-altering, shattering, horrific pain. You may think everyone is better off, but that is the disease talking. So please, PLEASE reach out to someone. You can get better. You are not alone. And if you think you don’t have anyone, talk to me.
And to anyone who has lost someone to suicide, but especially those who have lost a parent, my heart breaks with yours. You didn’t do anything wrong and you couldn’t have done anything differently. And you are allowed to feel however you want and need to feel about their suicide. There is no right way to grieve and deal with that kind of loss. I would also encourage you to talk to someone. It is something I wish I had done right away but I was afraid to say I needed it. And if you want to talk to someone who understands, I’m here.
I’m not ok, and that’s ok. I will be ok.
#suicideawareness #outofthedarkness #anthonybourdain #katespade