Recently I’ve been thinking back on where I was 4 years ago, 6 years ago, how many times I’ve felt lost and how many more times I’ve picked myself up again.
Becoming a #NEDAambassador reminds me of those things.
I think about the girl I was before my eating disorder took root. How I never felt at home in my body, how out of place, unworthy and unwanted I felt, and how I never realized there was another way to feel. I think about how I could have been if I’d had influences in my life like ones I have now.
I think about who I became when I was buried deep in my anorexia - trying to ignore it, push it down, how what I thought was the light was only the glint of my disorder’s teeth. I think about the damage done to my body and my mind, and I remember to forgive myself. I remember that I am worthy of forgiveness. •
I think about the night I chose recovery. I think about the brightness of my computer screen in the dark, taking NEDA’s online quiz about my risk, knowing full well the answer. I think about the email I wrote to the therapist I found on that website, and how my hands were shaking after I hit ‘send.’ I think about how I wished I’d known someone who’d been through it, who could tell me things were about to get better. That I didn’t have to live like this.
Being named a NEDA Ambassador is more than just a title to me. It’s more than having my photo on a website. Being a NEDA Ambassador is the hug I needed as that little girl. It’s the lantern and the shovel and the ladder. It’s the voice telling me that everything is going to be okay. It’s throwing out the rulers and the scales and the expectations and the judgements and comparisons.
That’s what matters to me. Recovery isn’t about perfection. It’s not linear. It’s not a race. It’s not about the shape size color of your body. And you should never, ever be alone.
If you’re struggling right now, reach out. Even if you feel like no one else knows, or no one else cares, I promise you that I do. I care. And I want you to get help because you deserve it.
If this hits you, please know: you are worthy of help. Txt NEDA to 741741 for anonymous crisis support & start talking with someone who gets it. 💚💙