noranbakrie noranbakrie

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🌚  i know nothing. manusia gua in bliss @lumahmomot

In order to cope with my major depression back then in 2013, I shutdown almost all of my memories circa 2011 - 2016. It was 5 years of dots and blanks. I remember those years as a long dark tunnel and that’s all. Ironically it was actually the years when I traveled the most. I forget that I have visited the places that I have been, like this place over here. I stopped listening to music. All I wanted to think about is just The Now. The Now and The Future.

Anyway, two days ago, I started to listen to things again. Let myself feel the old feels again.
I feel really brave.
I visited this mountaineous area in China, it was beautiful but back then, all that I remembered when hiking was the tragic death of Bikini, my tortoise cat. Back then a lot of people would think that I have the best job, traveling and get paid. If only they know, I really didn’t want to leave my animals. I really didn’t want to go. I developed an obsessive strong bond towards my animals, I was absurdly dependent on them. I was absurdly devastated knowing that I can only afford to save 20 something animals, while millions of them are still suffering.
Now, everytime I remember this trip, I also want to remember that the earth is beautiful, with all its unfairness and sadness.
I have to be brave.

Wasior. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to hug you goodbye.
22 December 2010 - 21 August 2018.
The last sibling of Merapi, Mentawai & Wasior.
Mother of George, Lennox & Sophie.
The one who always stare at me to the cold core of my soul and tell me, “I’m with you. I trust you. Don’t hold me around, but I’ll never leave you.”
Mrs. Anxiety Attack sometimes.
I’ll see you again in another lifetime.

Taking them with me through all of this journey. Mama, Yoga, we’re here. I’m done.

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