Hello, my name is Nikki, and I have struggled with anxiety and depression.
This is a different kind of “Friday Introduction” than I’ve ever posted before, but in light of the suicides this week that have touched us on both a national and hometown level, I decided to speak for those who didn’t realize they were so, so worthy of the love they deserved. Something I read on social media yesterday said, “check on your strong friend.” YES. Anxiety doesn’t have a mold. Depression doesn’t have a prototype. It doesn’t discriminate, prey on the weak. You know that person whose “squares” seem to have it all together? Do you know the weight that “perfection” carries? The ability to well-curate does not correlate with someone being okay, it sometimes just makes them good at hiding. Kate Spade’s brand embodied light and joy, yet ultimately it was the darkness inside she would succumb to.
I want to tell you about this girl in the photo, and the victory this image represents. You would never know from my life-giving marriage, career success, and general joyful outlook that I struggled for a few years with debilitating anxiety. There were days when it was hard for me to leave my house. I chose to surrender to my fear too many times to count, and I missed out on a lot of things as a result. There came a season where I finally decided to believe that “perfect love casts out fear,” and stop believing the stigma about medicine, and I finally began to heal. In this image, standing on the west coast (somewhere I never thought I would get to see because fear told me I couldn’t), I finally began to feel free from the chains my anxiety placed around my feet, free to run on a mission towards what God had for my life.
Dear ones, I’m here as proof that you do not have to hold it all together. Take the medicine. Confide in a friend (even when fear tells you “you’re a burden,” or “they’ll think you’re crazy”). Your people love you and they NEED YOU to stick around through the hard things. And I’m also here if you ever want to talk about the promises I found in Jesus, and how they saved me from myself.