niecewaidhofer niecewaidhofer

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Niece Waidhofer  Self-proclaimed mozzarella stick expert and accomplished napper 🥇 (See also: middle-shelf tequila connoisseur, semi-professional dog petter)

This dress came all the way from England 😱
We’ll start with the cons:
-Fookin tiny, won’t zip up over my boobs
-Shows everyone my vag when I walk
Pros:
-Fookin gorgeous
-I have fabricated an alternate reality in which the spice girls never broke up and they have adopted me as Slutty Spice despite my horrendous singing voice and crippling anxiety in front of crowds #IFYOUWANNABEMYLOVER #YouGottaGetWithMyDogBecauseIDoNotHaveAnyFriends

I spy with my little eye a hair tie, a safety pin, a prescription pill bottle, and a grown ass woman who ate ice cream with her fkkin fingers for breakfast because I ran out of clean spoons and self-control

Time for another FAQ! Here’s what I’ve been getting a lot of lately:
Q: Where do you get your lingerie?
A: @lasenza is my go-to. Also @victoriassecret when I want to spend $80 on a bra I’ll only wear in pictures.
Q: Can I buy a pair of your panties I will compensate generously
A: Sure! But they will be from dollar general, will have never touched my body, and I will jack up the price 3000%. I can soak them in tuna if that helps
Q: How do I book you for a photo shoot?
A: I quit doing shoots a while back, super sorry.
Q: Wait then who takes your pictures?
A: @niecewaidhofer
Anything else you want to know? Comment and I’ll answer as many as I can ❤️

Mama Waidhofer: “Niece, Grandma’s 90th birthday is going to be a beach thing. Please go buy a swimsuit that won’t kill her. And some church-appropriate jeans for that Sunday.”
Mission: failed. #RIPinpeaceGrandma

It’s the first day of summer, and you know what that means! I’mma dress in all black and sit in the A/C dicking around on the Internet just like any other day of the year. Happy solstice, everyone!

That one time I accidentally went to a vegan dinner party. #ThanksButThisCottonPolyesterBlendTastesBetterThanYourCheeselessLasagna,Gina

Probably waitin on yo girl to come over 😏

Sorry I can’t, my pants are already halfway off #TheInvisibleSprayStainsClothes

Fake-an-ass technique #672b:
You will need: three pillows, a spine-fracturing back arch, a Cajun voodoo curse, and a 5 gallon tub of Vaseline.
Step 1: Position pillows.
Step 2: Eat Vaseline. Lick tub clean.
Step 3: Enter swamp. Begin chant. Sacrifice goat (a tamagotchi will do if you are vegan).
Step 4: Return to good selfie lighting. Position ass on pillows.
Step 5 (optional): Arch back.
Step 6: Take selfie.
Please note this method ONLY works on the first day of your ovulation cycle coinciding with a full moon, or on Black Friday. Individual results may vary.

A true instahoe never takes a day off from disappointing her father ❤️
P.S.: A Patreon FAQ, because there seems to have been some confusion lately.
Q: What kind of content do you post on Patreon?
A: This is the kinda stuff that’s on Patreon daily; a little racier than what’s normally on Instagram, like sideboob, tiny tiny panties, etc.
Q: Will you ever post nudes?
A: Nah, sorry.
Q: Why would someone pay to see nevernudes?
A: Because there are amazing people out there who just want to support me doing what I love, out of the kindness of their hearts. Makes me tear up sometimes, tbh.
Q: Just do porn already
A: Nah, sorry.

Probably about time for a haircut. This happened because the last hairstylist I went to thought the measurement of an inch was as subjective as the average white male thinks it is

Date night 💅 no jk I’m drinkin straight tequila in my apartment with my dog #technicallynotdrinkingalone

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