nichvsana nichvsana

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I’m Nicholas  My journey to acceptance 🌵 Slowly going from pescatarian to vegan🐮🐷 Now inpatient 🏥 I am honest and mention triggers as numbers etc 💀 🇩🇰

Today I took a step forward and challenged myself!✨
I have not eaten ice cream this year beside the time I was inpatient at a eating disorder ward, so I thought it was time to challenge myself with that. Last time I ate ice cream it was basically a obligation and it was a boring ice cream as it was one just made to make you gain weight so it wasn’t really enjoyable. But today I got so happy when I went to the supermarket and saw they had my favorite flavor in a pint: caramel! 🧡🙆🏼‍♂️ So I didn’t think about it twice and enjoyed some good ice cream. 🤟🏻

Here goes a positive update for you guys~ 💕
My aunts from Brazil has been visiting me and I have been eating many meals out. I thought it would be hard but it’s actually being easier than I expected! The food tasting good actually helps hehe
I have been purging free in such long time now, maybe even months... I am trying to not count and just go on as a normal person and letting the food stay in my tummy, where it belongs.
And I’m gaining weight! I lost a bit after I got discharged from the last clinic, but I’m going back on track now. 🧡

Yesterday I went out to eat with my aunts, whom came from another country only to visit me. We went to Hard Rock Cafe and I had a vegan burger with some fries... but then, anxiety came. Not only for the food but for eating there, in public, with other people that, supposedly, could look at me and judge me. But then i tried to put myself in their place: why would they judge? Why would they even bother with me eating while they are also there for that: to eat.
To eat is something a person -and any animal- needs to survive, just like drinking water. If they were going to judge me for eating, it’s the same as them judging me for drinking a cup of water, and THAT doesn’t. Make. Sense. At. All. Right? I think that, when we are scared of judgment, we should try to put ourself in their place; would you judge someone eating? Surely not. Because eating is normal, and it should be normal for you too.

This Saturday I was out with a friend and we went out to visit his mother’s horse in a farm near his house. There I got to cuddle many horses and give them water, and after that we went out to buy some food and we spent the day at his place watching some bojack horseman. This day I allowed myself to do things my mind would never allow me, and it all was very challenging. But it was so good to be out of the ward for one day and have a day with a friend as a normal person would; because that’s what I am, a normal person. Doesn’t matter how many diagnoses I have in my journal, it will never take away my human side. I hope you guys always remember that 💓💓

Today I got sent to a open ward in another city. They drove until here and here I have been the whole day. I’m having a mix of feelings about this but I’m happy that I’m out of the closed ward, as being there could sometimes even make me feel worse because of the triggers.

Some nights ago my doctor sent me to a closed ward duo to how my schizophrenia has been harsh the last days and because of self-harming. Getting here, I had to change my clothes because it needs to be a special kind of clothes when you are in a closed ward, but I told the nurses I would prefer to change my clothes alone duo to my PTSD and sexual trauma. They decided to not listen and pressed me against the bed, and changed my clothes even tho I kept fighting hard against them because when I get flashbacks, I get violent. (You can see some bruises at my legs at the last picture) they didn’t listen a bit to me and didn’t care about my violent reaction; obviously something they were doing was wrong. I have never gotten so triggered in my life, because I was always the one taking my clothes off, even if I had a sexual relationship with someone. They didn’t respect me and now, 3 days after, I’m still having trouble to go through my day without self-harming and getting violent, where the nurses end up coming inside my room and pressing me against the bed, giving me even more flashbacks.
I feel in a endless circle.

Hey there, here I am again!
Today I got sent to the emergency psychiatric ward in another hospital so I could finally be out the closed ward. Here I have to wait some 1-2 days to get sent to a open ward, where I will be while I wait in the waiting list for a residencial care!
Voice wise, and psicose wise, has been black or white. Somedays my day goes amazing but others days they just really put me mentally down, and that end up getting me frustrated and angry. But the nurses has been handling it in a good way, and try to teach me to handle it too. So that’s the major focus right here around me. ☺️

Today was a very good day.
I sang with a patient karaoke songs and we danced just dance. I’m starting to believe that the closed ward it’s the best place for me, even tho I’m the only one with eating disorder here. Here I still get my meals from my meal plan but also get help to my other diagnoses, including my daily psicose crises. But everything still feels without a solution, so I feel kinda hopeless and end up letting my ED act with many behaviors, which are not good.
But as bad days come, good ones also come. At least, that’s what I am hoping. 🦁

My week haven’t been the best. Everyday I end up having some flashbacks from my PTSD and some psicose episodes. Because of that, after trying to survive one week, I end up self-harming and being sent to a closed ward until I get better.
I hope that soon I will be coming back to the Eating Disorder ward because here they really can’t help me with my eating habits, even tho they try their best.
But it’s good to get to rest with some staff that understand better my psicose and flashbacks, so I’m positive about feeling better soon. 🧡
I hope you bunnies are taking good care of yourself. 🐰💕

Hello, my name is Ace but you can call me Nicholas, Nich or anything that comes to your mind. I’m 20 years old and I have just watched some mental illness take away from me almost everything that I had fought for. Have been inpatient for anorexia nervosa in 6 months now and, some months ago my therapist, which is specialized in eating disorders, sent me to have some appointments with another therapist because she noticed that I had something else going on, other than anorexia. After some appointments, he comes in my room with 4 names in the papers; Obsessive compulsive disorder , Post traumatic stress disorder, Borderline personality disorder and Schizophrenia. He guide me about a treatment I will need to follow in a clinic for these diagnoses when I’m discharged from my eating disorder treatment and leaves my room for the last time, saying: “that’s it Ace, it was good to get to know you.” Know me? Or know my diagnoses? I find myself wondering...and then I realize that I just got 4 more labels to society act like they know how I am. But they don’t, because I’m more than this. I’m more than these disorders and diagnoses.
I’m still on my way to accept these labels and myself, but now at a healthy weight and bmi 20, I decided to create this account to share my way to acceptance, my way to know myself again, victories, challenges regarding all my diagnoses, feelings and thoughts, and my struggles.
Because things must be a little messy now, but if it was easy to deal with all this, I would not need help.
But just because I need help, doesn’t mean I’m my diagnoses. I’m more than labels. I’m a person. I’m Ace. Nicholas. Nich. Or as I said: whatever comes to your mind. 🌻

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