I relapsed in November, 2016. I never believed that I was capable of coming back into recovery for a second time. Somehow I made it.
The second half of 2016 was the toughest period of time in my life in sobriety. After 3 years of successful & happy growth in a new life afforded to me by adopting a program of recovery & living a life free of mood & mind altering substances I began to slip back into my old ways & succumbed to many of the internal & external stressors that led me into active addiction to begin with.
I stopped calling my sponsor. I stopped attending meetings. I stopped doing service work. I stopped praying & meditating. I stopped holding myself accountable & taking personal inventory. I stopped being proud of how far I'd come. I stopped loving myself.
I started lying. I started being dishonest & manipulative. I started isolating. I started hurting people. I became ashamed of what I hadn't accomplished yet. I started medicating my anxiety & stress instead of working through it. Eventually I got comfortable being dishonest again.
I slipped and I fell. I fell hard. I reverted back to taking between 15-20 Xanax bars a day and "leveling out" with Adderall so I wouldn't be completely blacked out.
I had adopted a plan of thinking that I was preparing to live with for the rest of my life: I would get sober again without telling anyone & for the rest of my life I would live knowing that I had 4 years less sobriety time than I was leading people to believe.
I was preparing myself to live a lie. For the rest of my life.
On February 8, 2017 I gave up & asked for help. Again.
Through the help of my loved ones I admitted myself to a 5 day medical detox & a 3 month outpatient program. I found a new home group, a new sponsor & a renewed love for life. I have been sober for almost 6 months now.
I came clean & started doing the things I knew had worked for me before. But most importantly ... I got over my own pride, shame & embarrassment & I asked for help.
I encourage you to do the same. A 5 minute phone call or 30 second conversation could save your life. It saved mine. Twice. Ask for help.