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Orlando Soria  I'm a human man who lives inside your phone and speaks to you directly. All I like talking about is guys, shopping and the mall. Check my blog:


This is still one of my favorite holiday shots (shot in 2014 by the amazing @danielcollopy in my old apartment). Someone recently asked me why bloggers get so into Christmas decorating. My guess is that it’s a fun time to be creative with your space and reimagine the decor. It helps you see your house in a new way. Also, there’s lot of twinkle lights and sparkles. Speaking of sparkles, did you hear glitter is terrible for the environment? LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL OF US THAT EVERYTHING WE LOVE IS PROBABLY AWFUL AND BAD. Merry Christmas! #victim #hommemakerholiday #hohoholando

I recently spent a memorable Friendsgiving meal with @mandymooremm and @americanexpress where Mandy shared her love for her #BlueCashEveryday Card (it saves us both 3% cash back at our local US Supermarket - twinning!) along with her favorite #Friendsgiving hosting tips. I awkwardly yelled at her about how awesome she is on "This Is Us," and she was a pro at pretending I wasn't being a huge weirdo. If you’re looking holiday hacks to up your hosting game tomorrow, check out americanexpress.com/Friendsgiving now for some easy last minute inspiration. #AmexAmbassador #ad

A few weeks ago I bought a bunch of food props for this harvesty photoshoot. I won’t be doing any actual cooking for Thanksgiving this year as I won’t be meeting up with my family due to a series of obnoxious delays on the orMOMdo/orlanDAD kitchen (it won’t be done until February now). This year I’ll be Thanking with friends. Because my friends are actual lunatics (actors), we’re doing a themed Thanksgiving feast. The theme is “Teachers’ Lounge Thanksgiving.” As a teacher’s kid who was friends with mostly teachers’ kids, this theme is near and dear to my heart. I’ll be wearing a goatee and murder glasses while talking about how my AP students are so much better than my regular ones. However you’re celebrating, I hope you have a good one. I also hope you’re not reading this in gridlock traffic or at an airport where a baby is screaming directly into your human face. ALSO IT’S GOING TO BE 100 DEGREES IN LA ON THANKSGIVING AND @kellyoxford AND I ARE PISSED ABOUT IT. Okay bye. #chateaulando #thanksgiving #complainsgiving

The bedroom makeover I did with @jengotch and @parachutehome is finally up on Hommemaker (link-in-profile)! Get some behind-the-scenes sneak peaks and hear how it was to work with such a famous, entitled diva (preview: I had at least three scaldingly-hot lattes thrown directly into my eyeballs when I got her order wrong). I’m really proud of this makeover and the accompanying webseries I’m doing with @parachutehome. This is the best one yet, but I’m sure it’ll have some competition from the next one which we’re shooting in New York. I’m ready for that Mary-Kate and Ashley New York Minute but for now I’m still dreaming about this California Coolaid makeover. Hope your Monday is less psychotic than mine okay bye. Photo by @carleyscamera #myparachutehome #jengotch #bando #spon #marykateandashley

The bedroom I designed for @jengotch with the help of @parachutehome is filled with mysterious treasures that are nearly as unique and distinctive as the woman herself. I’m spending my weekend working on my own bedroom makeover for an upcoming shoot. WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT ALL I DO IS MAKEOVER STUFF ALL THE TIME. Also I hosted a dinner party last night and I drank too much wine and now I’m brain dead because I haven’t eaten and can’t figure out what to eat but I’m soooooooooooo hungry I might just die before I make it to Starbucks to buy a depressing breakfast sandwich because I’m so weak and feeble from being so hungry. It’s hard living inside this phone sometimes, guys. Help. Okay bye. #victim #myparachutehome #bedroommakeover ALSO SOURCES TAGGED K??? Photo @carleyscamera

YOU GUYS!!! It’s me, the fully-grown adult human man that lives inside your phone and speaks to you directly. Guess what? A small (yet fully-grown) human woman decided to come live inside the phone with me! Her name is @jengotch and we just did the most important @parachutehome makeover in the history of time. This is really good #SponCon you guys. It involves a lot of dancing, impossibly long male screaming, and even a few fun/exciting design tips that will change the way you think about bedroom design and life in general. Head to the link-in-profile to see the incredible and hilarious video directed by America’s Sweetheart @brianhendo. I’ll be playing it on repeat at the dinner party I’m hosting tonight. GODSPEED EVERYONE!!! #jengotch @shopbando #myparachutehome photo @carleyscamera #sponsored

orMOMdo was all “I NEED A GIANT TURKEY PLATTER” so I bought her this one. Now I have to figure out how to ship it to Northern California. Also that pumpkin casserole baker is so cute I kinda wanna chop off my head and replace it with that. Also, I have a cold but I don’t seem sick so no one is paying attention to me. Complaining is fun! Please submit your #complainsgiving whining in the comments. Okay bye. #complainsgiving #chateaulando #hommealone

My family is a mess of new babies, under-construction kitchens, and obligatory visits to in-laws this year, so Thanksgiving with the Sorias is basically cancelled. But that didn’t stop me from hosting an imaginary Thanksgiving over the weekend and inviting all my imaginary friends. Check the link-in-profile to see all the drama that went down, including my picks for cooking and serving ware from @worldmarket. I’m most proud of this fun house shaped terrarium, but there’s lots of goodies to be thankful for. Plenty of tantalizing tips for your Thanksgiving celebration. Or, if you prefer, for your Complainsgiving fête. #complainsgiving #chateaulando #spon

Spent all yesterday inside styling a fall photo shoot at Chateaulando and finally found a place for my original paintings from @heysosi. People ask me all the time how I hang stuff on tile and the answer is simple: lightweight frames and foam tape. Use a generous amount of foam tape and your art will stay put (as long as you don’t use frames that weigh too much). It’s that easy! Also, I figured out my covfefe situation and am using a pour over from @schoolhouse now. It’s slightly more annoying than using an electric coffee maker but the result is a richer more full bodied flavor. IS THIS AN AD FOR COFFEE? Seriously not sure what I’m selling here. I guess the tip is drink coffee until you start freaking out then stick things on your wall using foam tape. That’s what I’m doing. Okay bye. #chateaulando #hommealone #tipsntricks 🙋🏼‍♂️sources tagged.

I like to create a Thanksgiving tablescape as layered and multifaceted as my personality. I use fabric as the base layer, adding woven circular placemats, vases filled with branches, festive gourds, and finish everything off with a recently-murdered bird I put in a piping hot oven for 12 hours! EVERYONE WINS! (Except the dead bird). Okay bye. #victim

Had a lovely productive week up north that concluded with yesterday’s trip into the city. I’ve lived in New York, London, and other giant cities but San Francisco will always be “the city” to me. Growing up in Yosemite, it was where we went to see plays, go to museums, shop around, and people watch. I’ve never lived there, but it feels like second home to me. In other news, I’m kind of tired of LA you guys. I have one genuinely exciting work prospect next year and if that doesn’t happen I think it’s time for a life adventure. So if you’re a handsome man living in a Spanish or French-speaking country and you’re looking to buy an American husband on the internet, please consider buying me so I can move to your county and improve my (terrible) Spanish or French skills. You’ll get to live out your dream of living in a perfectly styled home and I’ll get to live out my dream of being in the ‘Lizzie McGuire Movie’ (except not in Italy because I speak zero Italian). Okay bye. #victim

YOU GUYS!!! It’s Transformation Tuesday! Please take a few moments (or up to two hours) to flip back and forth between these two photos to remind yourself that sometimes GOOD CAN COME FROM EVIL. I’m still reeling from my kitchen Mega Makeover with @semihandmade. A few updates: I’m still in love with my @parkstudio_la hardware. The wooden countertops, not so much. I spend most of my waking hours trying to keep them dry and I oil them every week. But they’re still showing their age (which is currently about six months and they look like a raggedy 400 year old cocoon-mummy). I have heard some people have had good luck with (higher quality) wooden countertops but I def wouldn’t do it if I owned this place. NOW PLEASE RETURN TO FLIPPING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THESE TWO PICTURES TO REMIND YOURSELF THAT RADICAL TRANSFORMATION IS ACHIEVABLE. Okay bye. #victim #chateaulando #transformationtuesday *after* photo by my son/dad @zekeruelas before pic by my own moldy fingers.