I realized last night that I've been using the phrase "fucking up" instead of "I'm still learning." Telling myself I've been fucking up and also believing that has been a constant in my life that I've never liked nor have done anything about.
So like, learning I've been wrong in the past I get really uncomfortable and feel guilty and think I'm that person forever and that other people know it and hold me there, like I'm forever an awful person. Then I begin to believe it, then I start judging myself for everything I do, which then tricks me into thinking other people are judging me for that same reason, so then whenever they do something kind to me or share love in any capacity, it feels to me like it's coming from pity (that's me projecting in many layers), and then I feel guilty for accepting their love, and then I beat myself up if I do accept it, but then my brain will turn that into like I need to apologize to them for dealing with my existence. It's both incredibly complicated and completely unnecessary.
It all seems to stem from moments of self-doubt and instead of just observing these thoughts and feelings like "hey, that's interesting I'm feeling sad/worthless, I wonder where that's coming from," I grab them and hold onto them like it's the ultimate truth, like because I'm thinking these things it means that it's true of me. I need to train myself how to step back from my head and outside influences.