melissabhawks melissabhawks

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Melissa Hawks  love you, mean it💙 📍Ocean Beach🌊

s’wonderful, s’marvelous

Chilly weather makes me want to snuggle up with all the old movies so their music and dancing can heat up my soul. Tonight is Audrey and Astaire in Paris — Funny Face😍

thankful for friendships healthy enough to balance closeness and space

Last night I had the privilege of hosting Friendsgiving for the first time. My house was full to the brim with an excessive amount of food and all the humans — laughing and conversating. Today my inner introvert has taken over like, “okay, yes, so now you know I love you, imma just hibernate for a week or four, k? K.”✌🏼

hurray for the mail truck🎄🚐

Only two weeks until the Christmas parade where we will cheer on every person (including our mailman) on this very street. It’s that time of year when sunrises compete with sunsets, I stop shaving my legs and start wearing my fingerless gloves, and (tiny violin for the sad of sads) I have to close my windows at night🌬🌊🤧

why we stay home on the couch

there will be sunsets so beautiful, they cannot be captured — soak it in, drink it up, it’s all yours

work-from-couch day

wish you were here but only if “you” are actually a bowl of chicken pho🍲 cc: @obnoodlehouse_bar1502

i hope you find yourself

At some point in your life, I hope the sun warms your skin to golden or new moon black or terracotta. I hope you know the comfort of sitting on the deck in your boy shorts and old man socks ignoring the next door AirBnB visitor tucked up in a full winter coat, befouling the air with cigarette smoke. I hope you watch the waves throw themselves against the rocks with abandon, only to return home with a gentle sweetness which reminds all your parts, wild and graceful, that they belong.

Or maybe your good life is another story, a great beauty I can’t imagine. Wherever you go, whatever you do, whoever you are, I hope you find your magic (and yourself) there.

watering sister

On Saturdays, we self-care the entire household.

that kind of blue

I’m a total creeper when it comes to taking pics of surfers at the beach. Especially if they’re staring at sister ocean. I try to imagine what they’re thinking and why. I wonder about the cosmic events which have led them to this exact place at this exact time exactly right in front of me. Humans will always be my favorite love stories.

emo & bereft AF this morning

Winter and I have never worked well together. It’s a season where everything goes dormant and dies. The cold infiltrates your soul and it feels like nothing will ever grow again. Every part of my fire rebels against these things.

In the past, I haven't been great about letting things go so they can die. Even knowing it gives them the chance to rest before being rebirthed into something more beautiful doesn't feel like enough. I've always believed when something is dead, it stays dead. That's not a fact. It's just a feeling. And this is the whole point of winter which shows up every year whether I want it to or not.

When I woke up this morning and November greeted me with chilly hands and a cold heart, a visceral darkness took hold of my insides. It won't last. It never does. I always end up giving in to the beauty that comes with this season. Eventually. BUT NOT TODAY.

Today I put on my fingerless gloves, dressed in all black (including some seriously heavy eyeliner), and am curled up in my cube with a space heater and vintage @noahgundersen . Yeah. It's a Noah Gundersen singing "Cigarettes" and "First Defeat" kind of bad and I'm embracing it. I plan on sitting in my goth-ness, contemplating how cold the sunrise was and these feelings for awhile. When the inevitable heat returns, I'll be ready to move into it.

Feel what you feel when you feel it. Sometimes it's okay not to fight. Sometimes allowing the room for a darker feeling to exist helps you understand it better. It makes moving forward easier. Whatever we're feeling today is momentary. Shortly, we’ll find some fresh beauty has landed on our doorstep.

We're doing great. Love you. Mean it. (Especially you, Noah Gundersen -- thanks for providing a soundtrack for my feels)

unexpected endings

Four and a half years ago at my first therapy session, my therapist told me, “I’ll only work as hard as you do in this process.” I responded with, “put on your work boots. We’re going in.” And we did. I think we’ve worn out more than a couple pairs of boots during that time.

Today was my last day of regular therapy. We didn’t plan it. Both of us just knew it was time. There’s not another appointment on the books. I never imagined I would be able to say that. But here I am.

I cried as I thanked my therapist for helping me learn the tools I need to both deal with my past when it shows up again and to walk into my future with security and confidence. “I wouldn’t be here,” I said through tears, “not just in California but still ALIVE, if you hadn’t stuck with it too.”

It’s true. Healing is messy and painful but it doesn’t have to kill you. I’m proud of me — that I didn’t quit. I made it. You can too. Show up. Keep fighting. Keep getting back up. Do the hard work. Find joy.

Thanks for walking this road with me. Love you. Mean it💙

due (do-ā) • two • 2

Softly, I whisper some of the Italian words I‘ve been learning as the dark surrounds me. The wildness of the waves outside my window compete with the sound of my voice. I’m curled up under a giant pile of heavy blankets tonight. I need to feel enveloped.

“Due,” I recite to myself. I like how it sounds in my ears, flowing off my tongue as though the first syllable is leaning forward into the second. I‘ve gone through my numbers and move on to practicing bits and pieces. “Certo, cara,” I speak to the crack of hallway light. Certainly, darling.

I smile into my pillow as I try the next one, “Porca miseria!” My first Italian curse. Loosely translated, it means “damn” or “oh hell.” But the literal translation is pig misery and I like that. Italian is a language that paints a story with every mouthful.

I message my friend, @cosimoattanasi. He lives in Turino and kindly lets me practice my terrible Italian on him. I can only guess it is made worse as I parse sentences from Google Translate for all the words I don’t know. I tell him I have fallen in love with grappa and send a picture of the three bottles available at BevMo. “Io credo che tu puoi trovare di meglio,” he tells me. I think you can do better. Probably. I find that sentence resonating, bouncing around in my head, going deeper than grappa.

These thoughts and words meld together in a lovely, poetic chaos. My mind has stilled far deeper than the peace that comes from weighted blankets. Due (two). Giovedì (that’s tomorrow). Ottobre (this month). Bello, bello, bello — that’s you.

Cuore mio, buona notte. Ti amo. Voglio dire che.

v up in my feelings today, mostly the hangry ones

please comment with your Tuesday feelings

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